


Water Lily

by meiqis



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: M/M, kind of historical but not correct, maybe eventual smut it depends on my mood, royal au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 06:54:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 47,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14847887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meiqis/pseuds/meiqis
Summary: Royalty AU where zhengting is chosen to be prince yanjun's concubine due to his ethereal beauty. prince xukun fell in love with zhengting and yanjun became furious when he found out that his cousin was flirting with his only and personal concubine.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As based on [this prompt](https://twitter.com/zztpearls/status/1002185472037142529) but slightly altered and because Roch made me do this

Flowing silk and fleeting skirts, perfectly woven white shining gold within the reflection of light, jewels heavy on his skin, worked into garments, sewn into fabrics, crafted into beautiful jewelry now adorning his head and his arms, rings heavy on his fingers, it was as fascinating as it was irksome, it was too much and all at once, a moment anyone else within this country might have celebrated was just a dreadful task to him. Because he had heard the stories, a king so cold, it was a well-known tale, the story of princes within this kingdom and for sure everyone’s eyes had always been on the two in the lead, the crown prince and his half-brother, one born from the King’s loyal and beloved queen who passed away in child bed, the other from his second wife, outstanding beauty and never supposed to take such role, they were apart a few years and their characters couldn’t be more different.  
And Zhengting knew. Because he had seen it all too often, or maybe just once, the younger prince, he was like a regular, stepping by the brothel of titled concubines, women and men more beautiful than gods depicted, faces shining and skin glowing, eyes sparkling and hair flowing, they were ethereal beings walking human grounds and no one ever denied them anything - just as much as they didn’t deny those who could afford to be with them. It was something the younger prince knew way too well and maybe for that reason he had never abused it, had never taken advantage of these people that were merely birds trapped in a beautiful cage, a cage so grande it wasn’t seen as such, dancing and jumping, chirping and singing, and anyone would fall for them but this one prince. He made them interested in anything but playing, talked to them about poems and science and literature and they all were hooked to the gentle and soft voice, quizzical looks directed at the guard always dressed in black behind, the little flash shaven into his hair at times making Zhengting smile because it nearly was too cute for someone following a profession that included killing more people than one liked since the second in line surely wasn’t a person not favored to be killed.  
He was a fascinating person, the young prince, and any of the concubines within their own little castle would be more than just willing to spend even just a few hours in private with such pleasing persona but in the end he always went home on his own, with his friends still sitting and talking or long since gone with these immorally expensive whores of noble descent, sometimes he’d even offer one to his bodyguard, asking who it was he had taken interest in but to Zhengting who only ever could watch from aside it was all too obvious how that man never looked at anyone but his prince, not in interest or intrigue but merely with soft and gentle eyes as if his only wish was to make sure that such person stayed safe and wasn’t ever harmed. So it came to no surprise when this guard of unknown name never accepted the offer and turned him down with such gentle voice, saying it wasn’t necessary and he’d rather escort him home and maybe it was all that obvious to the prince as well for he never showed a hint of surprise but only smiled gently as if he had known before he turned on his heel and did as his sentry preferred.  
But the older prince, the first in line, maybe he was all that more fascinating, showing up ever so seldomly Zhengting could count it on his one hand and it seemed like the entire opposite, a cold face, an icy stare, they didn’t call him a frozen king for no reason, but opening his mouth, it seemed all the more dreadful, because this man knew of his power and all the influence he held when his fingers lingered on an arm a second too long or when he acted helpful, tucking a strand of hair behind flushed ears as if it were merely a gesture of gentle helpfulness, saying gentle words and lines that would have been too much if only it weren’t for his straight face. It had always made the tension grow in intensity because everyone wanted to be the one chosen, wanted to be the one taken into a private room by the man who would become king in but a few year’s time and all of them ended up being turned down, ignored, because he knew how to play and how to make people weak only to then leave them hanging and all on their own because he had no interest in those that were shallow and bought, because those people would be the ones to betray him in exchange for money even if it meant betraying their own country and he knew or maybe he was just too afraid of exactly that to happen.  
Zhengting had never been able to find out exactly that, whether his assumptions were right or not, because this man was too unreadable as compared to his younger brother, never predictable so he had still been busy analyzing such thing when serving drinks, placing glasses and cups, bottles of sweet liquor that was unique to this establishment, on the table, the tray tucked against his chest, his movements all that controlled when his thoughts had gone astray, but amidst all the years of analyzing people and being able to read them all that well, predicting actions and choices, never would he have expected a gentle caress of warm digits that suddenly grabbed his chin and yanked it upwards, his big brown eyes met with icy cold black orbs, penetrating and direct, making him hold his breath and his lip part when a stranger thumb so gently caressed his rosy petals and as if a whole lifespan had happened within a single second it seemed to be going on for too long until suddenly decisive words broke the silence not only between them but in all of the room, “I’ll take him. Dress him up and send him to the palace tomorrow. He’ll be mine.”  
It was all he had been able to heard, looking as bright red and sparkling gold and black hair disappeared from right in front of his eyes and left the hall, seeming empty without the presence of a future king and all too intimidating with dozens of eyes directed into his direction now, low whispers arousing because what did a simple servant own that no titled concubine would ever be able to, because all of them had been ditched for someone like him who was but a bastard from an aristocratic woman who hadn’t dared throw him away entirely, because he was someone working in such place because it was the best he could ever get, because all of that seemed all too evident with his face known too well and his name recognized too easily when considering he had right now been turned into the most important toy within high-born hands.

It still felt too heavy on his body, the burden of white and cream and beige and gold. Gold, maybe it was the worst, a metal reserved to the royals, the king and his descents, it was too far off what he was used to be to be considered an honor, it was burdening, because from now on his every step was to be watched and it had already been, before the most attention he would have received was when serving drinks, always with his head kept low, only watching people from behind his messy bangs as he stood on the side, always around to get drinks and refreshments and snacks whenever it was asked of him, never one to be noticed, the whores had started to ignore him after telling him to grow out his hair because he was attracting attention, the owner had told him to not go out anymore after he had been sent on errands and came back with bruises one time, making it hard to send him to work and all because some drunkards early in the morning had mistaken him for a woman in their delirious state and dragged him into a dim small street where it ended up in a fight he was dominating due strength but not enough to not have a fist colliding with his face at least once or punches thrown against his ribs and sides and kicks against his legs because he wasn’t weak but neither was he a fighter.  
So it felt odd now, seeing the sultry gazes of the maids that weren’t supposed to dress up a waiter of semi-noble birth, smelling the sickeningly sweet scent of water lilies because that was the scent the prince supposedly liked most, feeling the many fabrics of layers that felt suffocating and light at one because it were too many but each of them accumulated was still lighter than his daily wear, because his ears felt heavy and his head weighty with jewels covering up the metal in his ear that was but a reminder of his mistakes, markings of punishment, and golden crowns on his hair that they had brushed back, partly piercing into his skin as if to remind him that every coronet had its own weight, bore its own burden and all he could do was silently carry it from this day on.  
Surprise after surprise, he really wasn’t ought to feel startled at this point anymore, or maybe because there were too many surprises in too little time, he wanted to name this the biggest after being chosen by the future king himself, hearing the doors slide open but unable to turn around with hands still busied on his frame, adjusting the last little detail, there was only a gentle voice greeting him, “I came to pick you up, brother.”  
No need to turn around, no need to recognize a voice he hadn’t heard in years, no need to look at a face he knew vaguely would look like his even though he hadn’t looked into a mirror since years, out of shame, out of denial, because this life of a servant in the corner was pitiful and trying to dream of other things was but self-torture to someone who knew it wouldn’t ever change. What irony it was, that exactly that had happened, that he was able to turn around now in clothes he hadn’t dared touch even when he had had the chance to and it was all the more painful when looking at the girl that had been born from the same mother but experienced such different fate. Although that too seemed to be proven wrong, none of the exquisite silk he had expected, no flowery weavings in expensive fabric and no crystals and jewels adorning her features, it was the entire opposite, it was an armor and leather, was weapons strapped to toned thighs and a sword down her back, it was what he had been supposed to turn into if his mother hadn’t been down on her knees and begging to get her screaming baby a life in which he wouldn’t need to run into death despite times of peace because the life of a noble servant was still better than the life of a too soon dying soldier.  
He was still taking it in, the sight of a sister he had never been allowed to call such, seeing her only on rare occasions when the brothel had celebrated events and all he had received was an inspecting gaze as if the girl would wonder whether this was truly her brother, someone so entirely different to her, but he had just silently taken it because silently bearing with everything that was his life had been all he had been able to do while releasing his anguish in physical pain of stretching limbs too far and blaming the tears in his eyes on the pain that was stretching his legs until they were flat on the ground and the day he had been able to do it, he had looked for something new that was an excuse to have a grimace in pain on those days that were bad.

“I didn’t know you had entered the royal guard…”  
It was the first thing he said after a time too long in which he had been guided out of the aristocratic brothel the size of a small palace and to horses, some helpful hands lifting him up and the silent assertion that he wouldn’t need to do anything, it would just follow the black beauty that was his younger sister’s horse. He couldn’t assess how far they had already come as they rode down the forest that was the wall parting the brothel from the city and the city from the palace because in the midst of trees and leaves maybe assassins had it easier to jump around and approach but there was no army that would be able to run down greens like these and no single person that wouldn’t be noticed by the royal guards trained since youth. Which made it all the more startling, seeing his sister dressed in the deep purple of high ranks, the color that was exclusive to the tiers of the female fighters more deadly than the best skilled assassin.  
“There is not much you can know in this little cage of yours,” she answered calmly, with hands reaching forward to pat her horse’s neck while ever so controlled guiding it through the paths beneath tree crowns that seemed to tell stories of freedom that a crown of golden flowers and leaves would never be able to tell. “My father sent me there. Said I should serve the country if I can’t serve the family. They found out I…” Now there was a small bitter smile on her beautiful features and for the first time Zhengting felt as if he might actually be close to Chengxiao in an odd and twisted way, in all the craze fate sometimes united people that weren’t supposed to be together by humane decision. “I can’t bear children so I’m useless to him the way you were after he found out what mother had done. And now I am here and assigned to be the guard of the prince’s only concubine. Isn’t it ironic?”  
A family trait is what he should call it, the way they both saw the irony in it but privily he noted this as one more of the surprises these days, the fact that his sister, someone who had always been so far away from him, way out of reach, someone he could only look at a handful of times and wonder what it would be like to stand next to her, what if his mother’s husband had accepted him into the family and not been petty enough to kick out a baby just because it was from another man, what if he had been allowed to stay in that house, what if they had been closer, what ifs and what ifs and an eternal chain of them that he now pushed aside because fate had funny ways to work it out by making him the prince’s concubine after seconds of looking at each other and with his sister now closer to him than ever before because having her assigned as his guard was something he would never have imagined even in his most delirious and feverish states. “It is…” And this time it was him to wear a bitter smile, trying to look bright despite knowing he wasn’t able to and his sister must have seen but she also must be that much more gentle than he ever thought because she only gave him a little smile that showed her empathy before telling him to hold on and go with the rhythm as she hied on the horses to shorten the trip to their destination.  
In the middle of the horse trotting and making his body jolt up and down until he learned to match the movements well, raise his hips in sync with the strong body beneath him, well knowing that at the end of the day it would leave his legs sore and that maybe it was the next activity he should pick up to cover up his bad days because sore legs were such a welcome excuse to wear a dark face, he came to the realization that this was like a dream and a fairy tale, that this was nothing that happened to a normal person and just for once he wanted to feel special while seeing the palace walls emerge from behind trees, but a little bridge crossing the river that was circling the royal grounds and the closer they came the more he wanted to drown in the thought of that maybe he was special after all, that maybe he was lucky after all these years, that maybe fate wanted to repay him after all these years. It must have been that or a prince that had gone mad in odd preferences and thus seeming just all the more intriguing to Zhengting who still hadn’t figured out this man entirely.

The palace, as he had to see that day, was way more grand than he had ever before expected it to be, past the gates it was still a bit of a ride to get to the areal that apparently was the prince’s living and now his too, fascinating in its own way as it was like a small town surrounded by mountains and woods on one side and forests and the capitol on the other side, truly fascinating in its own way but it was to be expected no other way considering how many noble families lived within these walls, those that were high enough in blood and rank to be close to the royal family like this, or those who had been ordered to live in the capital of the capital to become guards like Chengxiao, to become personal concubines like Zhengting, to become servants and toys for families who only wanted the best of the best, the most beautiful of the beautiful, most expensive of the expensive, most exquisite of the exquisite, and it was just another thing that was so utterly fascinating as he looked around, watched his surroundings, it seemed all too refined as compared to the peasants’ city, all too intimidating now that he was right in the middle of it and knowing he had to live within such area.  
So it was all the more calming when they arrived at yet another building, spreading out flat meters and meters ahead, a small wall to declare the border of the housing, a pond with beautiful flowers blooming and the scent of water lilies surrounding him yet again, gentle and sweet, carried by the breeze, seeing the pond and the spring, it was as if the bit of water would be able to part him from all the other people, a way to sanctuarize a place that wasn’t his to be at and a thought he kept to himself as he followed his little sister still, needing help to get off the horse and, just the way he had expected, his legs felt sore, weak for a moment even as he steadied himself on the shoulder of a servant, smiling gently when there was no word of protest and way too soon he parted his hands from a stranger body to follow someone he would say was the secretary of some sort to this house, clothing too fine to be but a servant, yet it was unlike Zhengting to ask so he just wondered in his mind as he followed after the man, explanation after explanation and it was too soon that his head shut down and he just blindly followed, nodding his head at times and catching only the most important words.  
_Washing room_. It was more like a hall as he judged when looking inside, a hot spring in the middle with water steaming up into the open air, no roof to keep the weather out as if it was a thrill on its own, basins at the sides with buckets as if to invite whoever entered to wash themselves quickly too and assumption was that only the prince himself was the one entering the spring, that guards and those servants granted permission just washed themselves off quickly. In a way it was as soothing as it was laughable how even there he could see water lilies blooming, as if the prince himself had an obsession with such flowers.  
_Kitchen_. A place he hadn’t been allowed to enter but the smell alone… It made him willing to eat not because he needed it but just to be able to taste all these things he never had before, more than bland rice and vegetables and some fish or meat if it was an especially good day, more than just a serving big enough to not let him starve but never enough to entirely seem satisfactory until he had turned one of the servants in the brothel into his own little supplier who always snuck out things like apples or persimmons, always something he could quickly and sneakily eat before they were caught but enough to give him more energy before he’d turn any more scrawny.  
_Garden_. And it was a beautiful garden, located more in the center of the whole area, a swing on a tree and beautiful flowers, the little spring that still had its water flowing near the edges of the building, inviting to jump over the little distance, wanting to run close to the nearest small bridge that was the stepping stone to little paths of pebbles and shards to run around as freely as one wanted, with lampignons on branches and grounds, surely illuminating the greens in beautiful sultry red when lighted and creating a mood on their own, the little pavilion whose pillars were overgrown with ivy and looking all too cozy, he wanted to just stare at it if not his little sister had gently placed her hand on his back and ushered him forward to where the secretary had already continued walking, surely more attentive, surely more used to it, surely reprimanding him even in the future to all the rules he had ignored right now as the elder kept talking and talking but it was just a flow of words entering one ear and leaving the other without ever staying stuck to his mind.  
“...and this will be your room,” the old man finally ended his tour of showing around when having a servant slide open the door to a room that might be taller than any of the whore’s bedrooms he had seen before, sometimes needing to tidy up with the scent of sex and lust still within the room so he had needed to light candles to eradicate it all, make it look welcome and warm for the next customer to come because a servant with a bruise on his face was not a servant to be shown around. “You’ll see you have a bell around to ring if you need anything from any of the servants. In the morning the teacher will come to you to talk to you about formalities and rules of behavior and mannerism within the palace. You always will need to look presentable for the prince and thus you may not deny the maids when they tell you about your clothing or looks. You must always be within your room at night for the prince to know you are available because this is what you will need to do. Food and drinks will be served to you in the morning and evening, anything else you want to eat, to drink, or to do, you’ll need to forward to one of the servants around. If there is anything else you need my help with, you’ll know where to find me.”  
A bow, ending the polite words, leaving Zhengting confused because no, he didn’t know where to find this man but as based on his half-sister’s expression he figured it must have been mentioned at least once, it just was that he had not been paying attention to such words. So all he could do was wait until the man had vanished around a corner before he turned to enter his rooms, eyes big as he looked around, looking in fascination at the biggest part, a small table and seats, for when he awaited visitors, when he needed to talk to people, with all the luxury one could expect, another area merely parted by a curtain, curtains everywhere, made of fabric that looked heavy to the eye but easily moved with the wind when it passed through, leading to a room, boxes and jewels and jewelry on gold, all placed on shelves, all too familiar, because he knew it was clothes, because he knew it would be his future everyday garment, because he wondered just when it all had been bought or whether it had been there since the beginning. Sultry red curtains parted again, a bed, so big, so grande, it must be four times or more the size of what he was used to, bigger than the brothel’s furniture, pillars of dark wood and adorned by rich burgundy to shut out any unwelcome gazes that no one needed for those times he knew the prince would come into his bed at night and leave before the sun had come up, so he quickly left, turning on his heels, leaving behind the exploration of his room that must have taken more time than he thought, too much time, and his escape was blocked when he slid open the door, not paying attention, not hearing Chengxiao’s warning beginning of cautionary words when he crashed into something, someone, as firm as stone and unmoving. Or it was unmoving until he felt an arm around his waist and a hand lifting his chin, making him show off his confused and startled expression to dark orbs that looked at him all too warm and all too cold, with a thumb caressing his lower lip, well knowing he would part it from its upper match by instinct and have roughened skin meet his hot breath, while words of amusement but oh so low greeted him, “If I had known you were that eager to meet me, I would have come around sooner, my beautiful pearl.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... and he had to wonder once again whether this man wasn’t as much of a devil as he was supposed to be god, because right now he wondered whether it wasn’t intentionally, making him wait, only talking, making his heart flutter, occupying his thoughts, always in joy when he saw his royal lover arrive, breaking his self chosen solitude in a building so grand, whether it wasn’t a scheme and a plan, because he felt nothing but greed as he replied to this kiss, ...

“..., my beautiful pearl.”  
Zhengting was honestly tempted to rearrange the line-up of all the daily surprises he had experienced already, suddenly his mind everywhere, focusing on everything, how the sun had set, dying the sky in bloody red and warm orange, the same red that seemed to dominate his room, made him wonder whether it was intentional, he head learned this at the brothel before, that the color of the room would affect the mood, at times even how the clients reacted, the light blue room that supposedly made people feel cold, made them appreciate the warmth of the body embraced, how the purple room made them more snobbish, because purple meant luxury, sensuality, how the pink room made them more gentle, soft, as if they were actually in love, and red, the red room, so dangerous, he had learned it soon, red, the color of aggression, love, passion, sexuality, supposedly it was one of the more favored colors amongst visitors, based on how often they needed to clean messes, how often the whores had asked for red sheets in their rooms, as if it would help them all that much, now making him wonder whether it had been intentionally, painting so many parts of his new room red, the bed, the curtains, the sheets, the-  
“I didn’t know you’d be a mute,” a sultry voice called him out of his revery, brown orbs big as he finally looked up and at the prince, taking in his beauty, sharp features, perfectly chiseled as if someone had tried to create a perfect human, realizing with a shock how he was the slightest bit taller, boots not making up for this, how strong this arm around his waist felt, supporting the low of his back as if it was made to land exactly there, a thumb that pushed past his lips, gliding over his teeth, making him choke on air and hold his breath, not nearly as graceful as those trained in the art of seduction who might have been able to tempt him with just the right kind of blinking their eyes, a wink, with teasing tongues and playful lips. Meanwhile he was there, standing frozen while those cold eyes seemed to make fun of him, a hand that shushed Cheng Xiao away and he didn’t need to look to feel her presence disappear, knew that she must have disappeared through another door he hadn’t seen yet while his own feet took him backwards, suddenly all alone with a man he didn’t know but who had the power to make a whole country kneel at his feet.  
A man who had the power, strength and authority to just push him back until he found his spine colliding with one of the wooden pillars that had created this house and held the roof up high, gasping in surprise, fighting the urge to look at his prince again because he still didn’t know whether he was allowed to, all life he had been taught not to look at them, the nobles and aristocrats and royals, had glimpsed at them from behind his fringe, had looked at them without being caught, was somehow sure he wasn’t supposed to be looking directly at his future king with his widened eyes as he did right this moment but he couldn’t help it, couldn’t even feel fear about possibly getting punished by this, maybe he wouldn’t even, hearing the little snicker from this beautiful man right in front of him, “You’re not mute after all. So why aren’t you talking to me? Aren’t you supposed to greet me, my pearl?”  
Just what was this, it wasn’t something Zhengting could find and answer to, the flirty tone of this man, the kind of voice he’d only hear from those men and women who had chosen their prey of the night, from the whores who knew they wanted to get a certain noble into their bed that specific night but it wasn’t something he’d ever have expected to come from the prince, didn’t expect it to be used on him who had been but a servant all life long, who had been but a forsaken bastard, who had been nowhere close to a position that involved feeling a royal body pressed tightly against his and making him whisper, “Greet… greet you?” He hated it, feeling his voice break because he had never thought he’d be someone to be subdued easily, because even despite his lousy life he liked to keep his head up high when he was allowed to, didn’t want to succumb to a low self-esteem just because he lead a low life, remembering a second too late to quickly add, “Your majesty?”  
“Aren’t you my concubine?” It was a question that hit hard, as if the harshness of reality had punched him right into the face, would have made his jaw hurt with an uppercut if only it was a person, instead all he could do was inhale air sharply as he looked at the man surely older than him, not yet used to this title, had no idea of how to come to peace with this new turn his life had taken just yet. His confusion, the way he felt so utterly startled, not knowing how to react, how to behave, as if their difference in standing was all that obvious, a servant who was used to staying quiet, a prince who was used to control everyone, everything, maybe it was a bit amusing to now see this newly promoted boy feeling startled with a new setting but not giving him these usual looks, disdain for being situated lower, jealousy, admiration, the utter wish to crawl up his ass to gain something from it, it was such a refreshing reaction, this utter confusion of not knowing how to react, what to do, so there was but one way, “This time I’ll show you how to do it. And next time you’ll greet me like this, alright?”  
And all Zhengting could do was nod his head because he wasn’t supposed to deny any of the prince’s wishes and he knew that much but nothing in this world and in humane realms could have prepared him for what came next, the finger that disappeared from his lips only to gather with its companions, the whole of a callused hand placed at his neck as he was pulled close with lips meeting his own, a surprised gasp from his side giving room to attack to a person who probably was trained to take advantage of situations whenever he was able to, a slick tongue sliding past his lips and making him moan involuntarily, brushing against his oral muscle and slowly but surely the world around them came crumbling apart because all he could feel were those strong arms and hands that held him so gently and those lips that were rough after being worried with teeth moving against his own while he could taste the heavy scent of fruits on a tongue that wasn’t his own but that was driving him crazy bit by bit and made him lose his mind and his breath and there was fire burning in his lungs because he wasn’t able to breathe anymore with those dominating petals abusing his own and feeling his oral cavern ravished like a treasure cave by bandits and… and within the blink of an eye it seemed to be over already, he himself feeling breathless with his legs wobbly and leaning against the pillar at his back while this prince in front of him had the audacity to look smug, playing with his hair and licking swollen and dry lips and right this moment Zhengting wasn’t sure he had been claimed by a royal supposedly connected to the gods above or a devil in human skin whose wish was to make people go mad.  
“Now you know how to greet me next time, right?” A sultry and amused voice that hit his ears way too late and only provoked a slow nod and startled hum in response because as embarrassing as it was, counting more than twenty years on his life now, this might have been his first kiss, something maybe ironic, comical in cosmic ways, considering he had basically grown up in a brothel, and while there was nothing that still might faze him, because he had seen it all and all too much already, receiving a kiss from someone else was still a thing that was so utterly new to him and more so, for some reason he was sure he wasn’t supposed to lose his first kiss to an audacious tongue harbored in a mouth of malice and amusement and all the sultry temptation…

Contrary to his belief and expectations, the prince hadn’t taken it any further, not that night, not any of the coming nights, it seemed like a game to him, maybe it was a welcome change, showing up in the evening and making Zhengting kiss him, shyly at first, slowly, and after a few weeks had passed he became more daring, their kisses growing in greed, desire, as if they were the last thing to do before the world went down and under, a striking contrast to how only a little while later they would be seated down, some cups of steaming tea on the table plate as they talked. It was always just that, always just talking, and maybe it was more than he could take because this man who was cursed as frozen prince, this man with the reputation of an icicle, this man who nobody dared to cross, this man - had an utterly horrible sense of humor.  
“Did someone ever tell you trees can’t be trusted?”  
Maybe it was a horrible sense of humor but to Zhengting, with his arms crossed on the table plate and his head resting on top, looking at his prince with attentive eyes, going against all he had been taught, to sit straight, keeps his head up, his eyes down, to not look at the royal descent directly, to not show his emotions, to always to what he was told, to about fifty other things, they were all disregarded at night, just sitting opposite each other, telling and talking, interrupted by these cold jokes that made him doubt the prince’s sanity, to him it was still kind of endearing, seeing how Yanjun told them with so much enthusiasm, how his eyes sparkled when waiting for a reply to his questions, how his dimples were in the making, and when Zhengting did nothing but raise his eyebrows quizzically, he already knew about what would be coming next.  
“Because they’re shady,” the prince called out, clapping his hands together in an utterly adorable manner, throwing his head back, showing off his perfectly sculpted jawline, surely as perfectly drawn as his sword was sharp, and it was moments like these when Zhengting wasn’t sure whether he should be smiling softly, because these moments were charming, seeing his supposed owner letting down his guard entirely, looking at him with so much joy in his eyes, an expression of happiness worn, with those sweet dimples shown that made him all giddy to swear that hardly anyone but him had ever seen them, or whether he should be angry with these lame jokes that gave him the urge to roll his eyes and just move on to bed, wanting to evade these lousy remarks that were anything but entertaining. In the end it was always his enchanted side that got the better of him, just smiling softly at the man who had claimed him in such decisive ways but never actually done anything afterwards, who allowed him to take it slow while they still warmed up to each other, who became the highlight of his dull days that offered too little excitement.  
Because getting up in the morning, still dressed in nothing but a single layer of silk, settled down at this very desk, greeted by a scholar while he was still focused on taking in his breakfast, always perfect textures and perfectly cooked and all that satisfying, learning about palace mannerisms and how was supposed to behave and how not, learning poetry and literature and writing and reading and always needing to act as if he actually understood what was happening when he didn’t at all, cursing early mornings of walking on spiky stones while not being allowed to lose face, to look gentle and soft with harsh edges burying into his feet, because it wasn’t even that he was keen on leaving his little cage, feeling content with the pond of a water lily, as if he was that flower confined within the barriers of water, but he didn’t mind, because within this house at least he was alone and could do what he wanted until the sun set and the prince came by.  
Because not every day he was able to go out and do what he wanted, would find times to ask Cheng Xiao about whether or not they could have riding class, teach him how to control the horse, because sitting around all idly all day was too unlike him, would ask her to help him with things, and then there was days when his little sister was gone for some time and came back to find him on on the ground with his legs flat in a perfect split, his arms resting on the table or the bed or just anything, with his face contorted in boredom as he just gazed into thin air while probably being hung up on thoughts, and then there also were days when they fooled around together, finding it was quite easy to play with his half-sibling, having her teach him how to tumble through the air, always too careful, always to worried, as if he were a porcelain doll that needed to be looked out for and it just had happened to have been hours ago that something actually had happened, not landing properly, twisting his ankle, the limp so perfectly hidden from the prince because even if pain shot up his leg whenever he had put weight onto it, for once the scholar’s teachings seemed to have been for good because he had still been wearing this gentle expression all throughout their little walks.  
“But you know what else is shady?”  
There it was again, this little caring smile that would usually make his heart flutter, it held all the warmth that no one else within this kingdom might be able to see because he didn’t need to go out to know this, just needed to watch how the prince left in the mornings, all stoic expressions and harsh commands, ever so elegantly climbing his horse to then ride off to wherever he was needed, coming back in the evening with this icy glare, making sure doors would be closed in Zhengting’s room so no one did see, always putting on that mask again when the servants entered with tea and fruits, the kind he had gotten used to gently feed his prince once in a while, sometimes each of them just picking them on their own, but sometimes he still felt obliged to show respect and affection in such simple gestures, never missing the little startle when it happened, how Yanjun seemed all the more careful when eating the sweet treat from between his fingers, how he had looked the first time it had happened, with a peach nudging his lips and surprise widening his eyes, a sight carefully imprinted into his mind.  
Now he could only raise his eyebrows, the same quizzical way he did when one of those cold jokes came up, because he didn’t want to interrupt the prince in his gentle speech and that sultry tone and just drown within such sound and his bliss, and always again it was enough to motivate the royal to go on talking, considering it enough of a cue, “That you hurt your foot and didn’t tell me about it. Am I not supposed to care for my concubine? Or is it that you don’t trust me enough to tell me about it on your own?”  
It seemed like surprises never ended with this one man, making Zhengting wonder, whether it was that he hadn’t been able to cover up well enough, whether it simply was that this man could look through him so well, but there was a considerably low blow in these words too, being called a concubine again, after weeks of getting closer to the prince he had nearly forgotten about it, that in the end he was supposed to be a plaything, but instead of playing around, they got closer, the prince made his heart beat, with real feelings or just this new sensation of getting attention, wooing him with expensive jewelry the maids made him wear at night, always luring this little smile out of a cold face, gentle caresses as he reached for them, small compliments that made him feel more content with himself, now it was hidden between words of care, making him bite his tongue for a moment before he shuffled up, parting his arms from the table so he could move around it, too lazy to stand up all he did was move over on his fours until he was closer to the prince, a sneaky hand moving out to caress his beautiful sunkissed skin, the lightest shade of gold as if that color had been created only for him, “I didn’t tell my prince because I didn’t want to burden you just because it had been me who was clumsy. I also didn’t want to lose face by telling you it was my own stupidity that lead me to getting hurt. My prince shouldn’t be worried about me when it doesn’t even hurt that much.”  
The whole of his act, his gentle behavior, his little smile, it seemed to be falling apart slowly when feeling a hand caress his thigh, his calf, distracting him entirely, the touch feeling hot through layers of silk, the garments that had become lighter and lighter, he could only assume it was because with Yanjun’s nightly visits they wanted to take the hassle of taking off too many layers off the prince’s hands, but now he regretted the decision of the servants and the head of the house management, making him feel it all too well, his eyes falling close as he couldn’t focus for a moment, but it wasn’t the kind of noise he wanted to release, his little squeal and nearly losing balance despite sitting when feeling a thumb gently press against his overstretched tendon, the swollen of his foot, a strong arm keeping him in place and lips that were too close to his ear to even be able to hear what they were saying when all he could focus on was hot breath against his sensitive skin, “Don’t lie to me again, my pearl. The next days you’ll rest and tomorrow in the morning I’ll send the doctor to you.”  
“Why… not today?” A question of curiosity and a question that forced him to focus, to not drown out in the sensation of heated air against his ear and neck, hitting those piercings that were markings of his mistakes, he could still remember the owner’s words, the warning of better not getting into a fight a third time, to not look at customers oddly a third time, because one time was a mistake and two times were bearable, but three times would have meant the end of his pretty much comfortable life.  
“Today, my pearl,” this darned sultry voice started again, arms tightening around his frame and next thing he knew, he was lifted off the ground, his legs instinctively hooking around slender hips, eyes grand as he looked at the prince carrying him with such ease as if he were the weight of a feather when he knew he wasn’t, because he had seen friends stumble with the collision of his body against theirs, because he had seen people thrown back when he landed a punch, only to then dash off with the highest speed possible because even his immature and childish self had known to better not get caught up in a brawl again, but Yanjun wasn’t just anyone after all so it shouldn’t really come as surprise, he had already seen proof, heard tales, glorious stories of that specific man’s strength, “I want to spend the night with you.”  
Without control over his features, his eyes widened and lips parted in surprise, hadn’t expected this specific man to be as open, as forward, as direct about his desires, had seen him too often, turning down any advances, anyone flirting with him, trying to tempt him, they were all manipulated, turned down, never treated as forwardly as he did right now with his personal lover in his arms, carried past curtains and into the depth of his rooms, lain down on the bed. It wasn’t too long Zhengting felt a strong body looming over his own, felt lips against his with greed and desire and yet so soft and caring, as if this kiss meant the world just as any of their kisses did, their kisses that had been shy at first, with him needing to get used to it, to slide his hands to that warm neck and pull him close, to press his lips against their match, a moment of hesitation at first, breath mingling and hot air mixing, a shy caress at first that turned into a manner of the prince claiming what was his, supposed to be his, and day by day it was him who got more daring until their roles had reversed, remembering their first evening together, that slick tongue pushing into his mouth, it had been just days ago when he had done the same, taken the prince by surprise, taken his sweet time exploring his oral cavern that had tasted of honey and fruits, too sweet, too tempting, it had been making him drunk on desire and he had to wonder once again whether this man wasn’t as much of a devil as he was supposed to be god, because right now he wondered whether it wasn’t intentionally, making him wait, only talking, making his heart flutter, occupying his thoughts, always in joy when he saw his royal lover arrive, breaking his self chosen solitude in a building so grand, whether it wasn’t a scheme and a plan, because he felt nothing but greed as he replied to this kiss, tasted the lingering taste of jasmine on a tongue too familiar, as his breath was stolen until his lungs and his body were burning in blazing fire alike.  
Surprised gasp when he suddenly cooled down with his clothes undone, hadn’t even noticed how hands had worked on strings and belts and hooks and buttons, he had no idea what these clothes consisted off, just got dressed into them after his daily bath at noon and yanked them off at night, he didn’t know, didn’t care, but now it fell apart altogether, revealed his chest and his abs, felt those dark eyes travelling his body in the dim light of his room with but candles illuminating the space, candles in glass to prevent fire and burns, dispensed around the room, making red look luxurious and gold sparkle, looking all too expensive, all too crazy, because he knew that red was a color chosen intentionally for it drove people mad and had them go crazy.  
Now that he thought of it, maybe it was a color perfectly fit for the effect this sultry man had onto him, making his breath hatch and muscles tense with the night sky transformed into dark orbs taking in his sight, fingertips grazing his skin, leaving burning marks on his flesh, lips following the line of his jaw, making him tilt back his head and close his eyes, lock out anything but the sensations he received from his lover’s touch, gaze, kiss, forcing his brain into shut down as all he could do was melt into this moment, drown in his feelings, entirely lost within a man’s embrace whose words made his heart flutter and his ears flush, a man that was his daily highlight and now his nightly obsession, a royal that was too good for him, too mighty, too powerful, too strong, a prince that was too cunning to know how to sway someone like him off his feet and make him a weak mess obedient on his whims and like a little puppy that was but following orders.  
But he wasn’t, he wasn’t just a toy, wasn’t just a plaything, all his thoughts erased, because he knew when he looked up, knew when his eyes met their match, when he saw those perfectly pink lips tugging into a small grin, dimples forming on his cheeks, when he saw the expression of utter adoration, an expression he knew couldn’t be faked because he had seen their despicable mirrorings on the faces of whores that were the best of the best and always succeeded in manipulation, better trained than spies and killers, but this expression, it was so real, made his heart stop for a moment, made him lose his breath, and it was a lost game ended by just a few words, “You look so beautiful like this, my pearl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You hoped I'd write the spicy stuff? You thought  
> This is a series of ugly cliffhangers - part 2
> 
> as usual, reach me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zhengjunist) (note: I added my twt @ so between this and the last, all are old links, I'm lazy) or send me stuff on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, I wrote this in the middle of the night because I felt like it and didn't want to leave you all waiting for too long  
> Hope you enjoy

Yanjun, as Zhengting had learned that specific night, was entirely unlike what he had expected, nothing of a frozen prince, an icy expression, eyes that would freeze over deserts, it was the entire opposite, and it was all that obvious when seeing him still asleep, laying on his stomach, face buried in the pillows and he was sure the prince would have suffocated if it wasn’t for the little space created by resting his forehead against the lower end of his arm, angled and hugging the pillow. It was only at times that he’d turn his head entirely to take a deep breath, those moments that Zhengting appreciated the most, seeing those full eyebrows not furrowed, rosy lips not scowling, dark lashes throwing tiny shadows on his cheeks, he was sure it was a sight people might have died for, those who yearned for his attention and recognition, wanting to see such heartwarming sight, as if this man in the end was nothing but a big baby after all, and those who strived after his life, wanted to see him as defenseless, misuse the situation, claim his head, it truly was frightening in it’s own way. If he weren’t born a royal like this, weren’t to become the future king, maybe a moment like this wouldn’t have a bitter aftertaste, would be easier to enjoy, to admire, and still hung up on his own ideas and thoughts, he hadn’t even realized his hand moving forth, brushing back silky strands of hair, gently, wanting to see more of this beautiful face, not intending to wake up the prince already.  
“You’re still beautiful…” The words startled him, eyes widening as he looked at the older one right next to him, his eyes sleepy and only halfway open, a gentle smile on his lips, all he could see before there was an arm wrapping around his waist, tiny it was, that had been something he had heard a few times last night, a waist ratio women would be jealous off, that he better stayed hidden in this house, away from prying eyes, from jealous gazes, from all the scorn for currently being the most important person to the second most important person of this country, all the strength used early in the morning surprising him as he found himself flush against an equally toned body, bare skin on bare skin, it made his ears flush red as he looked at these sleepily teasing eyes. “Were beautiful all night long…”  
“Are you even human?” The question burst out before he could control it, Zhengting quickly bit down onto his lower lip, embarrassed by his own words, but if someone had to ask him, they were so utterly justified, remembering all their heated moments in the secrecy of the dark, those lips that had ghosted nearly all of his body, dominating hands that had roamed his skin, setting his flesh on fire, and never giving him what he wanted it, never touching him where he needed it most, all too often he had needed to call his titled lover a devil in his mind, leaving marks, sucking porcelain heat, purple spots all over his body, digging his teeth into harsher spots, could feel these bites still, aching on his hips, the skin sore on top of his bones. There had also been teasing words, playful hands, never had he been allowed to touch himself, his wrists always grabbed in time and pulled aside, orders to use them to hold onto Yanjun, explore a body that was still so foreign to him too, and he had done so, remembering it all too well, embracing it all so clearly, until it had been enough and he wasn’t sure whether he had cursed the prince or begged him, pleaded for a touch where he needed it most.   
Sweet bliss, with fingers wrapped around his maybe most treasured body part, harsh kisses, his lips still swollen from all the claiming abuse, but he didn’t regret any of it, didn’t regret a moment of all the time he had needed to wait then, had wondered how came he was all that tired at the end of it, but now it made sense, feeling the whole of his body aching and sore, tired eyes darting down, widening when he even saw marks down his arms, those patches of still he could see before he wrapped it tighter around his prince, rolling around with him until the royal was on his back and he was on top, legs a tangled mess, his face buried at the crook of a neck as he inhaled the sweet scent of water lily on such perfectly even skin. It seemed like only now he could hear the little laughter emitted from those lips that had been glued to his body for the greater of the night, such endearing sound, making him want to just drown in it, with eyes falling close, prolonging the moment for the slightest bit possible right there.  
“I’ll be anything my beautiful pearl wants me to be,” a gentle promise came, with fingers brushing through his dark curls, a satisfied little purr, as if this concubine was but an oversized pet, asking for attention and caresses and love, it was endearing, charming, and right there Zhengting knew that if it went on like this, if they spent mornings like these, nights like these, then his heart would be at loss, given away, but a present to the prince who had claimed him weeks ago, claimed in the very same way as his body had been, claimed with simple actions, little deeds, all too much to not be like an enchantment, a spell cast upon him, made him wonder just when they had progressed this much, just when this devil of a god of a human had managed to snatch him all too fast.

A morning like this, he decided later when it was already noon, passed by way too fast, not too long after there had been someone calling for the prince, resulting in them parting, his bed looking vast and empty once he was alone, a doctor showing up, treating his foot, all wrapped up, the positive thing about it at least seemed to be his teaching hours were halted for the time being, no bothersome scholar waking him up in the morning, but along with that, no riding, no acrobatics, as if with the burdens his fun was taken from him too, it was all too tiring, too boring, resulting in him sitting outside his room, healthy foot hanging down the wooden panels of the small terrace-like paths surrounding the whole of the building, sun on his knees, toes kissing the surface of the little creek circling the whole of the building’s outside. He wanted to listen well, had tried to pay attention, keep track of his sister’s words next to him, minutes of talking her into sitting down too, him, with his shoulder against a pillar, picking on persimmons, tearing them apart, bit by bit disappearing behind his lips, her, with the back against another wooden column, eyes ever so attentively on him, darting around, observing their surroundings, looking for any threat that wasn’t likely to reach this deep into the palace’s giant areal, too many aristocrats to pass on the way, a fool must be the one to attack beneath the sun’s watch.  
So it was unlikely it was a killed that made Cheng Xiao tense up all of a sudden, drawing Zhengting’s confused face as he first looked at her, then at the piece of fruit he had nearly dropped, the one that was submerged by the water seconds later, making him pout in the slightest way, before he actually turned his head around, tried to look at where his sister looked, the girl that had scrambled up all too quickly, never losing her balance, it seemed like magic. The first thing he saw was a tall black body, the sight of shaved hair becoming familiar when he approached, the sight of the little flash in the shorts making him grin in recognition, only for it to die down the very next second, spotting another figure in the shadow of the first, and maybe he was bad at math but even 1+1 was a calculation he could make, because if the second prince’s guard was around, for sure the other person would be none but the second prince himself, a moment of familiarity, the usual sight, the prince with his guard and his friends in tow, slamming open the doors of the brothel in an elegant way as it was dramatic, something that didn’t seem to entirely sit with a character he had recognized as quite calm and collected more often than not, but now was not the brothel and he wasn’t a servant who could only bow at the side, making him falter in confusion as he didn’t know what to do.  
No one before had told him how to greet a royal in his home, as much as Yanjun’s home could be considered his home, he could only assume it was his, considering how he was the prince’s property as much as this house was, except maybe he meant more to the prince than a simple building, something he could only judge as based on the many presents received, the gold in his dressing room, the expensive silk that never seemed to show up twice, the kind he lacked right now, dressed merely in a nightly gown and a robe, why would he dress up, no one had told him to dress up for a prince-  
A prince that was way too close, taking him by surprise when he suddenly felt a set of fingers around his chin, a touch that seemed vaguely familiar to someone else but was all the different, more of a caress than to dominate, a gentle plea and not an order, yet all that effective as he raised his face to look into a visage that might belong to a doll instead, all big eyes and straight nose and plush lips on a small mouth, all perfect facial shape but maybe leaning more towards the feminine side, at least Zhengting could remember some of the women at the brothel saying they’d die to have a facial shape like his.  
“So this is the man my cousin lost sleep for for the first time after so many years?” A soft voice, maybe it was a family trait, it was all too smooth and a bit warmer than Yanjun’s, which seemed to be a given considering his infamous title of an ice prince. “I admit, you look quite pretty. So how did he pick you up at a brothel when I did never see you around there?”  
Now Zhengting couldn’t help it, throwing a gaze at his sister as if to ask for help, she didn’t offer a lot of support, only nodded her head, signing him to already answer the questions, too far away to be like the pillar supporting his back, retreated to a little distance with the unknown guard at once. “No, I…” Lightly he furrowed his brows, turning his gaze to the prince, somehow he had taken quite the comfortable seating already, it was maybe a bit confusing, how this man he knew was younger than him so casually did all the things the scholar had dared him not to do, sitting down all casually, grabbing for one of the fruits in the bowl, throwing him an expectant gaze, but maybe it simply was because princes were only beneath the king so why would they care? “I was always around… It’s just that you never saw me, my prince. You didn’t look at the people serving the drinks.”  
There was an elongated sound leaving the royal’s lips as he considered this now, throwing the fruit around as he indulged in this realization, it was nearly upsetting, seeing one of the treats he had grown fond of being treated so carelessly, but even with a prince acting so casually, Zhengting knew better than to misbehave. “So you’re saying that if I had paid more attention to servants, I would have been able to snatch a treat like you from my cousin?”  
Hectic blinking, those weren’t words he had expected to hear from anyone ever before, making him feel oddly startled, throwing yet another look to his sister who was all but helpful, more focused on talking to that male guard about a set of knives than actually paying attention to him, and the thing was, he couldn’t even be mad with her, maybe this was the most of an interesting conversation she had had for a while now, always watching over him, making him consider to talk about it to Yanjun, about robbing someone who was but a girl of her joyful days as well.   
“Are you listening to me?”  
His eyes widened lightly as his head darted back, looking at the prince right in front of him, not sure how to handle this, reminding himself to bring it up later the day, when Yanjun was coming for his usual visit at dawn. “I am, yes,” he answered carefully, assessing the young royal attentively as he considered his next words, the kind that seemed to be awaited already, as based on that awaiting gaze he was faced with, “I don’t think it would have worked that way… Servants aren’t available for these… services usually. And you don’t strike me as the person who’d call for ownership if I may so, your majesty.”  
“Call me Xukun,” was the immediate response, making Zhengting squirm lightly in his place, the order too direct when he didn’t even call his royal lover by his first name yet, all too affectionate for someone who was supposed to keep his distance to a concubine likely, “You’re interesting. I can see why my cousin is interested in you.” Words were interrupted for a moment, the already abused fruit suddenly thrown somewhere and with fascination he had to realize that the younger male had just attacked his own guard, the fruit within a new hand, a grin passed on between those two, as if they were more than just noble and servant, it reminded Zhengting of those times of their visits, when Xukun had jokingly offered to pay his guard a night with a whore, always turned down with a gentle shake of his head, that gaze that was more of a big brother’s than a knight’s, it had been fascinating as much as this moment right now.  
“You’re also fascinating, yo- Xukun.” The name seemed more forced out now, gazing at the male again, biting his still swollen lip for a second, it was a decision made on a whim, suddenly leaning forward, one arm supported on the wooden ground they sat on, being closer to the prince, seeing the startle on the guard’s side, the way Cheng Xiao held out her arm to stop the male, all too caught up in the moment, but all he did was give the younger a soft smile, a smile that slowly turned bitter with his own words. “But I think I need to disappoint you in one thing, I never talked to your cousin before he took me in as his. I also don’t know why he chose me.”  
“Fascinating… Truly fascinating,” the prince muttered again, dark orbs burning holes into his face, it made him realize right this moment how everyone was still able to respect this man, this prince that was like a lotus blooming with, petals slowly undoing, unfolding, each of them as unique as this person’s traits, a person that went from dramatic to seductive to amused, who seemed like an entertained child now, who was playing around with his own warden as if it were but a friend, who found fascination in his own cousin’s personal life. “He never fails to surprise me… Ziyi! Let’s head back,” the younger called out as he, in quite smooth and elegant movements, moved up from his seating position, throwing the man clad in black a gaze, a silent order hidden in his eyes and the wiggle of his eyebrows, before he turned to the concubine on the ground again, “Let’s meet again tomorrow when I know more about you, including your name.”

It was a surprisingly sweet kiss, the way Yanjun replied to him and his display of affection, the greeting he had been used to giving out whenever the prince showed up on his door now, it had become a habit in the last days to rush over whenever he heard the doors open up, wrapping his arms around broad shoulders and only halting for a second to look at the older for a second before indulging in a kiss, something he would have done this night too if only it wasn’t for his hurt foot, having to still rely on Cheng Xiao who had waited for him to help him reach the door before she disappeared in the shadows, leaving him alone with the prince who closed the doors behind himself. It had been enough of an invitation for Zhengting to finally cup those cheeks adorned by dimples, lean in, a pause of a second, then he could taste it, the usual mix of fruits and tea as if that was all the prince was consuming for hours, making him smile softly while feeling as if all the blood in his veins had been replaced with sugary water, their kiss so utterly sweet, so caring, slow, affectionate, strong arms wrapping around his waist, tiny waist, the thought made him grin softly and apparently was enough to make the other pull back already.  
“You’re looking beautiful like this,” a gentle voice called out, fingers driving through his hair, brushing back satiny strands, making the younger’s expression nearly shine with anticipation, with joy, because this was the moment he was looking forward to every day, passing the sunny hours, wanting to return to this embrace of a few moments, the sitting together at the table and talking things that were useless than they were useful, all getting to know a person that made him more intrigued with every night passed. “Care to tell me why you’re so spirited today?”  
Parting further, solving their embrace, Zhengting had to admit there was a hint of relief when he felt one arm still around his frame, supporting him as he carefully made his way to the low table, the many sitting pillows on the ground, never parting until he had settled down comfortably and big eyes were directed upwards. “You called my waist tiny last night,” he pointed out, this little grin on his lips, looking still as if he were under a spell, helpless to his adoration towards the prince who sat down next to him, not the other side of the table, right there, with their fingertips but inches apart, making him move his own hand until they were entwined on the ground. “And you always call me beautiful. Will there be a time you’ll ever think I might be ugly?”  
“Never,” was the immediate reply, these lovely dimples showing up again, tempting Zhengting to touch them, his hand too soon attached to the older’s cheek again, thumb brushing across that little cheek valley, feeling a head lean into the touch, making him smile all the more, “And I did. Because it is.”  
Just then, as he parted his lips, ready to give another reply, he heard the little sound of someone knocking, doors sliding open, a stoic mask back to Yanjun’s face in an instant as if the past seconds hadn’t happened, voice lacking emotion as he just told about what to serve, the usual tea of jasmine they both seemed to favor already, the light meal, Zhengting observed it all quietly until the doors were closed again, eyes darting back to his opposite, thumb still caressing smooth skin, his words but a gentle breeze to interrupt the silence between them, “Your cousin paid me a visit today.”  
It were but a few words but they seemed to call for immediate attention, icy orbs burrowed into his, making a shiver run down his spine, making him wonder what it was between these two, one so overly curious, the other not liking the mention of the younger, it was something he wanted to ponder about, something he wanted to work out in his mind, but all too distracted when a hand moved down his neck, brushing aside creamy silvery silk, caressing marks he himself had left, digits sliding over each of them, it was a silent reminder, Zhengting realized that much, that he was only belonging to one person now, although he couldn’t entirely understand it, just why it needed to be emphasized, why there would be doubt about it at all.  
“What did he want from you?” A voice that was usually sultry, it sounded more daring this time around, like an underlying threat, but he wasn’t too sure, whether it was directed at him or that younger prince, making him worry now, whether it had been right to bring it up.  
“I don’t know… He said he was curious about me… That I made you lose sleep when it was the other way around… That I’m fascinating…” He felt his own words stop, his breath hitch, not because he didn’t know to explain it, something that might have affected him at first, it was still confusing to him too, why that kid had showed up, but mostly owed to lips that were glued to his skin again, making him tilt back his head, inhaling air all too sharply, making him wonder whether there even was any more of his skin left that could be marked as easily, a thought he regretted seconds later, it was as if his mind had been read, realizing right this moment that Yanjun had still been generous, only marking patches that could be covered up with clothing, never too high, never too low, all so perfectly covered up, and it was all broken now, feeling suction so close to his jaw, still hidden by his hair, travelling down slowly, only ever broken by that same servant again, another in tow, and right there he wanted to curse already.  
It might be progress that Yanjun hadn’t yet entirely pulled back, didn’t retreat as if these people carrying in drinks and food were fire that had scalded him, with only cold eyes tracing them, shushing them on without words, until they were gone again, a retreat, strategic, tea seemingly more important than his lover, pouring two cups as if that wasn’t Zhengting’s job originally, making him bite down on his tongue in regret to not have been as attentive enough on his own, care about this by himself.  
“Cut your hair tomorrow. It’s too long for my taste.”  
Those were the words he could quite clearly hear, the words that had been uttered by such devilish lips, while he raised his hand up to his neck, touching the new bruises dragging down his throat in a line, worn like a collar, nothing but to claim ownership of something, or someone, and never before he had realized there was such reason in markings, such feeling of a threat as much as it was satisfying, being able to show off to no one, that he was owned, that he belonged to this man right next to him, making him forget to breath for all but a moment, those had been words that were quite innocent at first, might be reasonable, his hair was too long, perfect to hide behind, to watch people from behind, only recently having made it a habit to tie it up with a string, to brush a fringe too long aside, but he knew without it being said out loud, that the order to cut his hair was but to show off these marks again, to everyone, to not give him an opportunity to hide them from anyone, because Yanjun knew he wasn’t able to resist these commands.  
“Your cousin will show up again tomorrow.”  
“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure with how I want Xukun to be like or how I can portray this image I have in my mind properly with words yet so I hope I didn't disappoint any of you yet  
> Anyways, send me things on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting) or follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t want you to be a nightingale,” ... “Because if you are a nightingale, you’ll spread your wings and escape me. Because if you are one, I just want to trap you in a cage and keep you all to myself so you can only be a symbol for my love alone and not make other people’s hearts bloom with the spring of desire.”

Zhengting hadn’t questioned anymore how Yanjun had been able to know about it, hadn’t asked much about Xukun for the remains of their evening, sensing how it would only backfire, with those marks still burning on his skin, aching on his sore throat, spots gently touched now before he moved his hand into hair, longer strands gone, it was short, too short, he hadn’t even dared look into a mirror, not after whoever it had been, someone they called a royal hairdresser or something, had shown up, bit by bit making his head feel lighter, dark strands falling down onto the ground, strands of hair merely covering his eyebrows now, no chance to hide, making him wonder, wonder whether it had just been to cover up these marks or the prince’s selfish wish to see more of his face. A heavy sigh escaped him, seemingly fitting the weather outside, it had started all nicely in the morning, the sun shining, making the morning fog sparkle, the day looking more bright, but just a while ago it had all broken down, like a rapture ripping open the skies themselves, clouds dark within moments, it had all resulted in a sudden downpour, the kind he was currently watching, had left his room with his sister’s help, still dressed down, merely the most basic of clothes on, sitting in the pavilion in the garden, a blanket spread over his lap, steaming tea next to him, jasmine, as if it would be enough to summon Yanjun again who might be out there, training with the falling droplets, with silky black sticking to his forehead, with the royal blue of his garments accentuating his muscles, drawing attention to his toned body, swinging his sword or whatever weapon it was, unknowingly he was already melting inside, smiling into his cup leaning against his lips.  
It was like this that he didn’t notice someone approach, didn’t notice until it was too late, until he felt cold and wet fingers pressing against his neck, the spots he had touched earlier, making him squeak in surprise, jumping lightly in his seat, tea spilling over his hands, one of them pressed against his chest next as if that would help calming his erratically beating heart, all while the person next to him only chuckled lowly as if that had been the most amusing of moments. “He must have been quite jealous if I look at you now. This looks painful.”  
Worse than the seething water was the touch to his skin, suddenly feeling scalding and uncomfortable, making him lean his head away silently before he tilted it back, looking at the figure in front of him, the sight he had imagined just seconds ago on Yanjun, black curls stuck to pale skin, shoulders looking awfully sharp in the light blue garments, silk drenched and sticking to bodily outlines. “Xukun,” he greeted him with a voice that was softer than he had planned, blaming it on the scent of jasmine that still filled his mouth, these flowery scents had always had a magical ability to themselves, just as he was sure he wouldn’t be able to resist the scent of water lilies on Yanjun’s skin, a thought that awoke dangerous pictures, of that body he had been able to see in dimly lit red and golden darkness, explored with his fingers, skin hot to his touch...  
“Zhengting,” he was pulled out of his revery to soon, eyes darting upwards again to look at the prince right next to him, standing a tad too close to not be considered intrusive, with daring digits that had returned to his skin, caressing the line of marks, moving down, no warning to them when pulling aside the collar of his clothing to reveal his completely bruised shoulder, no need to see it himself, the aching when moving his limbs, the startled expression of the servants when dressing him, it was always enough to tell him about it, just how beaten he must look, his lover’s claims made obvious on his skin, like a scroll that had been written on with lips and teeth, a tale of love and possession. “This new hair suits you. But I wish he wouldn’t show off so much.”  
There was a gentle smile dancing on his lips at the mention of this, lightly shrugging his shoulders, the roll of limbs apparently finally enough to shake off this certain intrusive hand, not enough to shake off this other person, settling on the bench next to him, the sound of rain hitting the roof, earth, leaves, flowers, the creek, it accompanied their momentary silence in which Zhengting just took in the sight, observing the prince that looked so unlike the cocky flirt he had seen him act as so often, that looked so unlike his cousin, all slender and slim, even thinner than he himself did, especially now that he had experienced the rain, it made him look soft and fragile, enough for Zhengting to turn around, lean over the wall that was his current backrest with the pavilion exposing them more to the open than warding them, the prolonged roof and water droplets falling straight to the ground without the disturbing wind enough to shield them, his voice easily carried through the yard as he called for a servant to deliver more blankets to them and another serving of tea, reminding them to help the prince warm up.  
“You found out my name,” he finally said when turning to his royal visitor, eyes focused on him only for a moment, hands busy to wrap his body further into the blanket as they darted around, looking for the dark frame of his guard, Ziyi, as he had now learned, standing in one of the few openings of the pavilion one might describe as doorway, mimicking Cheng Xiao’s posture of leaning against the pillar with his arms crossed in front of his chest, it was like an older brother mocking his little sister, it was something, as he realized now, he had never been able to and would never, because their worlds were all too different, but these too, they might actually be able to relate to each other. “You actually tried to find out about me, it seems.”  
“Because you’re fascinating,” the to be expected response was, accompanied by a light chuckle with these way too bold fingers approaching him again, except this time Zhengting grabbed him by the wrist in time, placing it down on the bench although that meant having to lean closer to the prince, careful eyes darting to his guard, glimpsing at Ziyi, at his sister, for some reason none of them did move, maybe because someone who hardly wore more than a pajama wasn’t all that intimidating after all.   
A slow breath, inhaling air deeply, smelling Xukun’s unique scent, it was like the woods, heavy and rich, elevated by the rain, entirely different to Yanjun’s gently and nearly sickeningly sweet scent, it was as different as their characters were, the gentle sense of control coming from the older cousin, the brave forwardness from the younger, he leaned in just a tad more until his lips were brushing against an ear that was still moist from the rain, “I’d rather you don’t try to undress me, Xukun. You should know yourself that this is something only one person is rightfully allowed to.” Soft but warning words, lightened by his soft smile as he leaned back again, parting his fingers from a wrist that had been all too thin to his touch, his long digits too easily wrapped around, he could only for a moment indulge in the sight of the prince looking startled, with ears and neck flushed red, he looked as if never before he had been treated this way, surprisingly, Zhengting himself had seen more often than not how the whores in the brothel had leaned in as closely, too close, asking for his attention, never had he looked as frozen as he did right this moment.  
Maybe Yanjun was slowly affecting him, a thought that made him smile as he filled his forsaken cup again, the frozen prince granting him the ability to freeze people, he knew it was laughable, was but an illusion he wanted to give in to, because all he had done had been acting more casual than he should have been allowed to, wanting to blame it on his prince, the gentle permission to just behave around Xukun however he desired too, because the younger would be lenient, was too casual for his own good, because the older would take his own concubine’s side, would defend if anyone dared accuse him of anything that was unjust, words that had warmed his heart, made it flutter like a mocking jay's wings.  
The arrival of the servants, two of them holding trays of tea, one placed next to the prince, another close to the male guard, yet another one with blankets in their hands, placed on a free bench, spreading one of them across the prince’s lap before they all disappeared in an instant again, it had bought the youngest of their round enough time apparently to get his act together again, because there was amusement spreading these plush lips. “Why? Are you afraid it might feel better than what my cousin did to you? I’m also curious about this body that caught his attention to the point of making you look like this.”  
A low hum was all Zhengting released at first in response to these words, buying time himself now, slowly nipping on his tea as if he had to consider these words first, words that would have made him feel all hot and burning alive if said in that sultry voice he drowned in every evening, that now made him shiver lightly when hearing them in another silky tone, blaming such reaction on the chilly air that was the weather surrounding them. “I don’t dare say anyone’s touch or gaze will feel better than his because I am his. But this is not an answer that would satisfy you, is it?” His eyes were nearly affectionate as he looked at the younger, all too attentive, having seen the light frown and the curl of his lips at the declaration of ownership sliding off his tongue, had seen the surprised glint when he asked that question, observed the slow nod coming from the younger that only made him smile more. “Since it is not something we will be able to try out, I don’t know whether you would be able to make me feel better than he does. But it would be different, you can’t have the same effect on me as another person does.”  
“You know, we could try it out,” reckless words were spouted, voice all too silky, too saccharine, it couldn’t be real, shouldn’t be real, but a dangerous glint within big eyes signed him that there might be a possibility the prince was eager to try it out after all maybe, with an audacity only youngsters could own, recklessness of kids that hadn’t experienced too much of the harshness of life just yet, or maybe they had experienced too much of it, turning them audacious because there was nothing more to lose. Except a prince had too much to lose, the esteem of his family, his bloodline, the throne, their list of places in waiting, never being able to claim the title of a king if they gambled too much, considering they might actually get that far with those ahead in line all having failed. “I could make you see how my touch feels different to his.”

Xukun was intrusive, Zhengting decided as he was still mulling over their conversation hours ago, these words that wouldn’t leave his head, made him think about just what exactly it was that prince had seen in him to become as fascinated with his company, promising to pay a visit the next day again, to not have him wait for too long, it seemed to be a tad too much to be just mild curiosity that had the concubine caught up in this mess like a moth in a spider net, impending doom taking the shape of a spider approaching him, the end, death, a clean cut. Their whole talk had been like that, with the prince declaring his interest, shamelessly flirting as if their roles had been reversed as compared to what he had seen before, as if he was the royal wooed by a noble prostitute, the thought making him sneer, it was all too absurd, how one prince showed his desire all that openly and seemed all that confusing while the other was always holding back and being all the more forward that way.  
One expressing his desire with words where skinship wasn’t allowed, bold sentences spoken where hands couldn’t touch, desiring eyes where lips couldn’t reach, while the other liked to use his hands, his lips, his tongue, claiming all that was his, marking his ownership, it was exactly such cause that resulted in suddenly a weight being dropped onto his lap, yet another shock within just a few hours, making him jolt and hit his head on the wooden pillar behind him, accompanied by a chuckle as if that was all he was supposed to be hearing as greeting all day long.  
Instinct made him reach out with his hand, brush back wet strands of hair that distorted the beauty of the person misusing him as pillow, proving all his assumptions right, the prince looked quite charming with his hair wet from rain that hadn’t stopped all day long, making him wonder by none of the two had looked for cover in this downpour to end up like this. All of his beautiful face revealed, it was only then that Zhengting leaned down to have his lips meet with Yanjun’s, smiling into the kiss together that seemed more gentle and calm than their usual greetings, all their desire and greed disappearing in such caring moment that had his heart consumed by a gentle fire, flames burning in a deep blue as the clothes his prince was wearing while soaking through the blanket covering his legs, making him wonder just how long he had been standing out in the rain to be quite as wet as he was now.  
“You’ll catch a cold if we stay like this, you know,” he muttered gently while still caressing that face beneath his, hot breath mingling, turning into little clouds of fogs with the evening chill, something he didn’t even notice because the moment seemed all too sweet, all too warm, nothing he wanted to be broken.  
“Just some more minutes… I feel tired.”

He still felt tired a whole while later, that was something that was obvious to Zhengting as he saw the sleazy movements of the older as he tried to undress within the cover that was the incomplete roof on the bathing hall, shielding only the area a few meters from the walls, it were but moments until he stepped closer to the other, halting movements by grabbing his hands before he started working on each layer himself, undoing strings and buttons until all upper garments were off the prince’s upper body, skin looking golden in the warm light of candles around them, and right this moment he couldn’t resist his own desires, palms flat against clearly carved abs, tracing them with his fingertips, exploring his body with his eyes as if he hadn’t done so just a night ago. “For always calling me beautiful, my prince is quite the eyesight too.” A gentle smile as he looked up, seeing the affectionate fire burning within black orbs that were supposed to be dark glaciers, nothing like the frozen person rumors made him out to be, it was making him wonder evening after evening, day by day, just how all these people could be so intimidated by a man with such a tender gaze before he remembered again, remembered that this was a sight solely reserved to him, a sight he had earned himself throughout the weeks they had spent together already, within the solitude of his room.  
“Because you are,” Yanjun approved silently, softly, warm palm pushed against a smooth cheek, areas that could be reached so much easier now that a huge amount of hair was gone, making Zhengting all the more confident in his thought of the haircut partly also having been an excuse to reveal more of his face to the eyes of his lover, the ones that didn’t even darken with desire despite his hands working on pants, undoing them and pushing them down, parting from the caress only to be able to kneel down and help the prince out of the trouser legs, a body all bare, goosebumps evident within the cool of the night.  
Gently he patted his calves before standing up, the hint taken but not followed, it seemed like the older had entirely different plans, bearing with the dropped temperature with a childishly stubborn expression when looking at the younger. “Undress first. I want to go in together.”  
How Yanjun managed to utter such words with such ease always surprised Zhengting, over and over again, for a second just looking at his opposite before he released a sneer of playful amusement, hands soon working on his own clothes, peeling them off with ease for they weren’t soaked, didn’t stick to his skin as much, always protected by roofs and covers, entirely an opposite to the deep blue silk that was but a wet mess on the ground, soaking even the creamy fabric of his own clothes.   
“Beautiful,” was all he heard once he had rid himself of all the clothes, once he felt fingers wrapping around his wrist and pulling him along, over to the hot spring, surface of the water disrupted repeatedly by the drizzling of the rain that had calmed down after hours of endless pouring, creating a mood on their own, tiny small and gentle droplets that were making their way through the steaming fog of the hot water, with water lilies dancing right amidst them, the scent seeming all the heavier at night, not the least worn down by the rain that must have hit them violently all day long, never disturbed, merely swaying ever so lightly when feet broke the surface of liquid, drifting away when two bodies submerged until warmth engulfed them up to the shoulders, hair and face defenseless to the smirk, it was nothing he was able to mind right this moment as he could only melt within the sight like the cold of his body did within their bath.  
One arm so easily wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer to his lover until he was forced to straddle his lap, the surface of stone smooth to his knees after having been polished by water for years, pressure never too harsh with water making his body feel light, relaxing in the loose embrace while feeling his skin burning wherever their bodies touched, his thighs grazing another pair of, his behind planted on those firm muscles, the fingers cradling his waist, watching how Yanjun’s free hand brushed back his wet hair, exposing all of his face finally, revealing it to his own invasive gaze, taking in the sight of it, these perfectly sculpted facial lines, he wanted to drown in them, could look for hours without getting tired, up to the point an unnerving thought crossed his mind.  
Maybe he was already lost, his heart already lost, claimed by this man who had already claimed his body.  
A fleeting thought, coming as fast as it left, especially when he felt a thumb caress the skin just above his hip bone, making him shiver not with the chill of the night but excitement alone, releasing a shaky breath, the touch all too hot within the heat of the water.  
“I always wondered what it was, this tattoo of yours right here,” Yanjun muttered slowly, eyes cast down as if it would be enough to penetrate the deep black of the water in the dark of the current time, get a glimpse of the fine black lines that were decorating his skin, hidden at such place no one could see but one he truly cared for, not a marking many people knew about, no, actually hardly anyone knew about it, always hidden all that well after all.  
“Nightingale.” It was the answer to that question that hadn’t been perfectly asked, it was but a glimpse at the face in front of his that made Zhengting know the answer wasn’t satisfactory, wasn’t enough, an answer that answered a question but also didn’t, an answer that wasn’t enough at all. With fingers playing with dripping strands of hair, his lower arms resting on broad shoulders, with the toned limb of his lover pulling him closer until his knees hit the back of the natural tub and made him spread his legs more to be able to sit closer, their lower bodies glued together, their chests yet parted so he could look comfortably at the man that was so perfectly up to claiming and stealing his heart, he went on, “Because I always heard them sing at night, felt jealous of them. They were free, they could just spread their wings and fly off… Not many people noticed it at hom- at the brothel, because they were too focused on words and laughter but if you stand close enough to the window, you’d be able to listen to them. Their singing. I always loved it.”   
A dreamy smile adorned his features as he gave up on resisting his desires, finally leaning in entirely, resting his chin on the shoulder he had previously used as armrest, nuzzling his face into the crook of that warm neck that was moist now from the steam of the water, smelling again of that sickeningly sweet scent of water lilies that seemed to be but perfect when worn by this one man. “They say that the nightingale is the sign of spring… I always loved that idea, a bird resembling the season of blooming flowers, of awakening nature, season of love… A bird that resembles love because I never thought I would be able to experience such feeling of my own. So I thought if I can’t be like a nightingale and sing and spread my wings and fly away, at least I could wear it on my body in the hopes that one day it will all come true for me.”  
Word by word, he could hear his own voice becoming more gentle, more soft, quiet, entirely fitting with the mood surrounding them, golden light that hardly illuminated their frames, thousands of stars sparkling right above them, constellations he couldn’t name, couldn’t see, he only knew there were uncountable little lights, uncountable as were all the moments he wanted to remember forever, these little seconds spend with Yanjun, memories he wanted to keep, never to be washed out, fading away, never ever, he wanted to keep them all.  
“I don’t want you to be a nightingale,” came the sudden confession, accompanied by lips pressing against his ear, against his neck, warming his skin, gentle, tender, featherly, it was but a caress, all that different to the scalding pain he had received the last nights, sweet pain of pleasure with purple and red and yellow and blue and green bruises that were blooming across his body as if he were a painting, as if those dry lips were a brush dragged across paper and saliva was the color that was washed away the morning after but burnt deep into his flesh to not pale away too soon. “Because if you are a nightingale, you’ll spread your wings and escape me. Because if you are one, I just want to trap you in a cage and keep you all to myself so you can only be a symbol for my love alone and not make other people’s hearts bloom with the spring of desire.”  
He wanted to respond, wanted to say of reassurance, wanted to say that it would never happen, that he will never leave, that he was already caught because this embrace was the cage that held him in place and made it impossible for him to leave, wanted to point out how even spreading his wings and being able to fly off would only end with him returning to this very place because it was where he had already lost his heart, a place that was chaining him up and not allowing him to fade away. But there were no words that left his lips, it was a different kind of confession that left him, were his lips pressed against their match, eyes falling close as he moved his mouth, slow, gentle, sensual, expressing all that he couldn’t with letters and syllables, it wasn’t that he needed to do so, it was what he realized when feeling the same sort of emotion poured into the contact by his lover at night, as if their heart was lain on top of their tongue, all emotions poured into this caress of their oral muscles, a confession in blandishment and gesture, with arms pulling tighter, with bodies being flushed against each other, with the world disappearing around them, all that existed, all that mattered, it was the heat of a body that was pressed against his, was the fire burning in his lungs until it was unbearable, lips parting to be pressed against patches of skin, gentle kisses and pecks placed on each of the marks adoring skin, was all that and more, was mouths meeting again, was fingers tangling, entwined, locked, was a travel happening in the flush of a second, robes carelessly thrown onto their bodies, the icy cold of the outside air, was rushed steps of stumbling down the distance to his room, lips never parting, hands never leaving another, was all to vicinity, all the support to his hurting foot, was arms lifting him up and carrying him, dèjá vu, it was like what had happened before, nights ago, the same scene, the same room, the same bed.  
It was possessiveness that had turned into gentle gestures, caresses of his body, rolling around on his sheets, air heavy with the scent of candle wax, of rain and small fire, of water lilies and love, desire, the sound of hot breath mingling, sheets rustling, the brushing of skin against skin, of kisses too deep and touches too long, with the sight of nothing but remains of water glistening on golden skin that attracted Zhengting’s gaze, of black orbs looking red with the reflection of burgundy fabric and golden flames, of beautiful rosy lips that called for his over and over again until all air was gone between them, until all he could think of was Yanjun, all he could do was whisper his name, feeling his body shaken up, muttering into kisses, groaning into pillows, crying into air, thrown around, a mess of limbs, tears filling his eyes because he wanted more and more, was insatiable with the growing harshness of movements, an act of making love turning into a display of senseless ownership, driving them both crazy, hot breath and heated bodies warming up the body, whispered confessions of desire and love blurring out the sound of rain that had picked up again while they were but paying attention to each other and this night the world might end, they couldn’t care as long as they had each other had their fingers entwined, with their eyes locked and messy smiles that disappeared with but another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roch, if you see this, I told you this chapter would be wet and I didn't lie
> 
> and you all know the drill, get updates on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) or send me questions and suggestions on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For someone so observant, at times you really are oblivious.” Words that were more like a tired snicker, a hand that moved up to mimic his own posture, with a lower arm wrapped around his shoulder, fingers reaching for his hair, silky short strands, now that they were cute, brushing them back gently, softly, to reveal all of his concubine’s beautiful traces. “Never noticing the effect you have on people even while just standing in the corner of your room… Did you know you’re quite infamous?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soft hours [open]  
> Yanjun in the morning is a whole blessing I would love to see
> 
> (cr) to Juni but keep [this](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DfRg8eMUEAEJO4o.jpg) in mind when reading the 3rd part of this chapter

Dèjá vu. It was but that as he looked at Yanjun in the morning, all warm red light illuminating his face, the sun breaking through red silk of curtains, coloring the room orange, making his dark hair look beautiful, like still burning charcoal, sparkling gold and orange amidst deep black, shining soft, it was always that tempting, always as attractive, these soft strands adorning his forehead, framing his face, it was the most of him that was visible as he was back to what Zhengting assumed his usual sleeping position, laying on his stomach, forehead resting against his arm shoved beneath a pillow, breathing more fabric than air, every some minutes turning his head lightly or lifting it up by stretching his neck to inhale more deeply, it were these short moments, when he got to see more of the prince’s face, that truly made his heart feel warm, soft, more so than he already was, had felt the weight of an arm around his waist since waking up, as if his lover hadn’t let go of him all night long, ever since they had passed out in exhaustion, drenched in sweat and sticky fluids, he could still feel them between his thighs, smeary between skin he was rubbing together, shifting his weight to turn onto his side entirely.  
Although he regretted doing it the moment he could not only see, could feel, could hear how the man next to him startled awake, just as he had done only two nights ago, turning his head, smiling softly, with these dimples showing, the ones that might be able to charm about anyone, not shown to everyone, only to these people special to him, sleep still sitting in his eyes and it was only a short glimpse, this small smile, a silent “You look beautiful…” and off he was gone again, breath calming, eyes closing, mouth relaxing, drifting into a soothing world of dreams and wishes that were unique to every person each.  
“You always say that,” Zhengting still whispered in response, moving his arm finally, his elbow resting on a bare golden shoulder, adorned by red marks, stripes, dragging down his upper and lower back, ever so visible evidence of their past night, sweet little revenge, the traces of his nails, exchange for all the bites and hickeys covering his own body since the first night spent together, when all of Yanjun’s interest had been marking what was his, claiming him in visible ways, showing it off, uncountable imprints that had taken hours to be left on his body, between kisses, broken by little words and compliments, an entire opposite to the leaving hours of darkness, deeply engraved still, with these hands still tracing his body in his memories, still feeling hot, still leaving burning traces, all the invisible claims, his heart, his insides, it had never before felt this good, such act, engulfing his heart in sweetly burning flames, as if all of the prince’s purpose in life was to make him burn, brightly like a star, heat scalding inside and out, with such fresh memories still clouding his mind, making it impossible for him to think straight. Each and every mark, they were like little stars lighted in the night sky of his body, burning matches on a canvas that was his skin, burning their ways, consuming him altogether, an arm wrapped around him that felt like an anchor to keep him sane, never letting him drift off even in these early morning hours, with sleep still making his eyelids heavy, something he wanted to bear with ease, wanted to last for just a bit longer, because all he desired right this moment was to engrave one of these morning memories in his mind, the sight of such a gentle looking prince, digits brushing through his charcoal hair, a soft smile on his own swollen and bruised lips.  
“Why me? Why choose me when you can have anyone in this country?” Zhengting hadn’t even noticed these words leaving his lips, voice soft, gentle, hoarse, his throat sore from all his yelling and groaning and whining and calling throughout the night, while his body was slowly being devoured by desire, greed, lust, feeling all cold in comparison now, but half their bodies covered in blankets each, it was still his first thought to cover the prince, pulling up the deep red silk, covering golden skin and turgid lines, fingertips gently sliding along them, following all his own traces, it was his claim of ownership but it made him wonder, hope that it wasn’t too much, wouldn’t get in the way of work, because Yanjun had so much more to do, so much more to move, than him who was only sitting in his room, in the gardens, out on the wooden panels, waiting for his foot to heal, so he could have more freedom again.  
“For someone so observant, at times you really are oblivious.” Words that were more like a tired snicker, a hand that moved up to mimic his own posture, with a lower arm wrapped around his shoulder, fingers reaching for his hair, silky short strands, now that they were cute, brushing them back gently, softly, to reveal all of his concubine’s beautiful traces. “Never noticing the effect you have on people even while just standing in the corner of your room… Did you know you’re quite infamous?”  
His gaze must have shown confusion, beneath heavy eyelids, orbs still cloudy from sleep and exhaustion and all his released desire, it was enough to draw another silent laughter from the royal, enough to make Zhengting think how he really was lucky, how his lover really must have been of godly descent, a chuckle that was all that soft, all that beautiful, making flowers bloom in his chest, as if all that was worth living was this small sound. “You really are… There are rumors about you, about a servant with the looks perfect to be a prostitute like them and it’s not like your heritage would have forbidden that from happening, there are many like you who would end up with such profession in this brothel, at least it’s a way to keep the titled bastards in check. But whoever it was, someone had pulled enough strings to keep you out of that business for good.”  
“Not true…” He mumbled slowly, realizing too late he had just denied his own prince’s word, should feel a pang of regret, but wasn’t able to, had done it too often, had seen the glint of surprise, the sparkle of affection, as if it didn’t happen all that often, and probably it didn’t, seeing the first time how he hadn’t been punished, hadn’t received anything but a raised eyebrow, he had slowly made it a habit, disagreeing with no holding back, because there was no need to, because it seemed like it was only all that more interesting to his lover, hearing his denials, his comebacks, his responses. “My position wasn’t good enough to have been made a prostitute… My mother told me once, when she visited despite not being allowed to, that I should be happy to live like this because even if I’m not cut out for the brothel anymore, at least I’d have gained enough experience to be able to work in one of the noble households afterwards.”  
“Your mother is a gentle woman,” Yanjun silently ignored, not even taking Zhengting by surprise, could only assume the prince knew a lot of people, not to mention it made sense, knowing someone who had given birth to one of his guards, a guard that had been assigned to his concubine instead, moving from the prince to a royal lover, he assumed anyone but Cheng Xiao would have disliked it, would have been disturbed by it, maybe she had been too, but he wanted to think it was their relation, their connection of blood, making it easy for them to become comfortable with each other. “She thinks of you a lot… Your sister said so recently, that she asks a lot for you, even requested to get to see you. Maybe you should visit her soon.”  
“Maybe…” If he was to be honest, the thought was scary, undoubtedly so, he had spent but the first years of his life in that household, until he had been old enough to be handed off, dropped into the brothel owner’s hands, working in the kitchen, cleaning, serving, tending to the noble prostitutes, it had been a slow increase of work, one that had made him see where he had been standing, had been more bright as child, gotten his head petted by these elegant women and men, compliments, treats, they had lessened with time, but it still had been his home, more so than the place of his own blood could be, yet it had all been eradicated, so easily replaced with this cage he had been put into now, a cage he didn’t want to leave even with the doors wide open, a place that felt the most home when he was in Yanjun’s arms like this.  
“You still owe me a reply though, my prince,” he reminded him a bit sheepishly, smiling with a tad of amusement, quickly fading, feeling how he was pulled closer again, in that ever same manner, with raw strength, such ease, their chest meeting, just a moment, could already feel Yanjun sliding onto his back, immediately following suit, snuggling to his side, head resting against a shoulder in a way that wasn’t comfortable, wasn’t uncomfortable, only able to enjoy the vicinity, with a stranger hand caressing his side, stroking his skin, making him feel as if his flesh was the most exquisite of fabrics, his own digits not too different, caressing the body of his lover, fingertips brushing along the hills and valleys of muscles, humming softly while inhaling the sweet scent of water lilies, the saltiness of sweat, the lingering perfume of sex. “As to why it was me you chose…”  
“Because I knew it had to be you.”  
So simple and yet it wasn’t, couldn’t, no one chose someone as concubine, someone to accompany them for years and more, a position that wasn’t to be undone, only to because of a whim, because of a sudden thought, so he gently nudged the royal in his embrace, told him to go on, to go further, and he did, “I think I first saw you when I was in the city… There was a small pretty boy, just walking down the streets, walking errands. A quite naive and focused boy, so focused he didn’t even look up to see someone watching him from a window. And then someone harassed him, an old guy, dragging him into a side street that was still visible for his spectator and this boy, I nearly sent down guards, he put up quite the fight and then just disappeared. And I thought I wouldn’t see him again but a few days later, when I was dragged to the brothel, there was this boy again, looking all naive and focused again and he didn’t even notice how I would always watch him and deliberately order drinks so he was closer to me again and all I could do was wait and watch because he wasn’t a whore he could buy and maybe it was better that way because I think I would have killed anyone else who dared touch you.”  
For a moment, Zhengting wasn’t sure anymore whether he was still breathing, could still breathe, all air gone from his lungs, eyes surprisingly big for his sleepy state, directed at the royal in wonder, confusion, startle, he couldn’t quite believe it, it was a story he knew, walking down the streets in the city, getting harassed, fighting, had earned him this piercing that was but a warning, unknowingly touched now, a piece of metal that was but a reminder, had told him to not do it again, a reminder, for the owner of the brothel, that this kid had made a mistake, two mistakes, a third meaning to get lost. “Are you sure you’re talking about me…?”  
“Are you questioning your prince?” It was a question that might have been a warning, a warning to anyone but him, could hear but the teasing tone, the little mocking touch to it, turning his head to turn his beautiful visage to look at another, their gazes locking, the world pausing, stopping in its tracks, it was all that had been needed, just a simple look, a glimpse, to make everything else fade away, a moment of leaning in, towards the other, their lips meeting and all Zhengting could do was mutter “I would never,” before his eyes fell close, drowning in the sensation, in the moment, wishing it would drag on forever, wishing it would last.

Maybe it didn’t matter whether it lasted or not, the important thing was another, was whether or not it would happen again, and it did, only a while later, as if they were tracing their steps of the last night, wrapped in merely robes to go to the washroom again, settled in the same spot as in the evening, except this time it wasn’t the starry sky that was towering above them, it was the soft light of the morning sun, making the water sparkle, the same thing, though, was the light drizzle, still hitting their skin, surely getting more intense later that day again, clouds dark high above, battling the soft pink hues of dawn.  
“Are you sure you’re well?” Yanjun asked softly, not even needing to explain further, it was all too obvious what he was talking about, abusing his lover all night long, again in the morning, had noticed the shaky legs when getting up, how he had leaned against him more, nothing to be blamed on the mishandled tendon of his foot alone.  
A low hum was the reply, exhaustion evident on his frame, he didn’t mind, because it meant he could lean further into the royal’s embrace, leaning his head against his shoulder, halfway into dozing off, just listening to the soft sound of water, calming steadiness of the prince’s breathing, but there was a lingering sense of waiting, expectation, making him raise his gaze to look at his lover who, in return, was looking at him too, with eager eyes, so he had to cave in with a sigh, a tired pout. “You don’t need to worry…”  
“Because it wasn’t your first time?” A question that wasn’t a question, more like a statement, rhetorical, as if he already knew, not wanting to assume things on his own, wanting to make sure, but it only made Zhengting’s pout disappear, biting his lip in hesitance, embarrassment, slowly nodding his head, softly. “I thought you had never been part of that business.”  
“Wasn’t…” A gentle whisper, soft, silence for some moments that seemed endless, not quite as soothing anymore, the warmth of the embrace, the heat of the water that had swallowed most of their bodies, lingering romantic sense of their night and morning, as if washed away by the smir of water droplets, a sigh gave way to his reply, arms tightening around a toned torso as if to look for comfort, “But some of them… The nobles that come by, they prefer to be in control and in return some of them want to be in control too. There had been one or two to have taken a liking to me, but they didn’t hurt me, never. You really don’t need to worry, the only one to touch me from now on is and will be you.”  
It had seemed, for nothing but a moment, Yanjun was willing to become aggressive, arms tensing up, calmed only when he was reassured, that it hadn’t been forced, not too painful, not forced, more so, by this one confession, just one more confession after all the many that had come up before, in the night, in the morning, made him release a noise of agreement, a gentle kiss to a damp forehead. “The only one?”  
“The only one.”

“Rough night?”  
He heard it clearly, immediately recognizing the voice and maybe he shouldn’t even be surprised anymore, Xukun’s daily visits, as much as they could be daily with but the third time, greeting him from behind, making it utterly ironic to Zhengting right this moment, comparing how the day had passed, how he had woken up next to Yanjun, this wonderful being, a wonderful morning, asking for Cheng Xiao to help him on his way out, needing a pillow this time around, sitting on the edge of the wooden panels that framed the house, beneath the prolonged roof, with his healthy foot dangling down, thin cotton of his pants already soaked with the lasting drizzle, his toes lightly diving into the water of the creek, busy pulling apart fruits to eat, the only reason his and his sister’s talk had ended, his wanting to eat, made him take a break on the family talk, asking her why she was talking to the prince, telling him about their family, what she had told him, not liking the thought that his lover knew all that much, not because he knew, but because the royal knew what he didn’t, knew his family better than him himself, it was frustrating, made him feel dumb.  
The last hours had been filled with that, this talk about their family, who was who, how they behaved, asking her for advice, whether or not he was supposed to pay a visit, how his mother was, it had been all that filled the space between them, first verbally, later without words, was entirely disrupted when she got up from her spot opposite him, made room for the younger prince, retreated to Ziyi’s side, their silent talk making a soothing background sound when mixed with the sound of water.  
“Hm, so it was? Did he treat you too rough? You know, I could treat you way better than he does, I’m not that much into…” There was a vague gesture, circling his hand in front of his chest, but Zhengting knew immediately what he meant, that it was about the marks he was still wearing, instinct making him reach for his clothes to pull them tighter again, cover some of these spots, and it didn’t go unnoticed, with big intrusive eyes watching it. “...this.”  
“I don’t think you have any right to inquire about our personal life,” he answered slowly, didn’t want to talk about it, how it had felt so sweet, so warm, never suffocating, never oppressing, never too much, it had been nothing but bliss, these sweet gestures, sweet words, sweet confessions, it warmed his heart still, lowering his head as he looked at the orange in his hand, carefully peeling it, splitting the slices apart, but he just wanted to hide his little smile, the flush of embarrassment down his nape, feeling heated, scalding, uncomfortable, because never had ever made him feel like that.  
“You start sounding like him, always blocking any questions that come up,” Xukun pointed out, propping his arm up, elbow against his angled knee, knuckles supporting his temple, it looked awfully relaxed, comfortable, as if this already was as much of a home to him as it was to Zhengting, someone who had spent so many weeks around already, had gotten used to this place, his new home, and it was just that, was home. “You could at least that that is the reason you’re needing a pillow right now.”  
“I don’t see what you’d be able to gain from such knowledge,” Zhengting tried again, wanting to turn down this so intrusive younger prince, his prying ways, because it wasn’t something he had asked for, his own willingness to reply to these questions, as if his mouth was running on auto-pilot and his lover’s cousin was the one in charge, it made him feel odd, endangered, as if he was opening up too much, more so than he should, and it wasn’t something he was used to.  
“I don’t gain anything from it.” It was a fast response, one that was nearly met with other words, a reply to shoot him down, but Xukun signed him to be silent, to shut up for but a moment, while he himself wasn’t quite, didn’t shut up, didn’t hold back, just went on, “But I’m worried he might have hurt you because he didn’t hold back. He is a harsh person, don’t be tricked by his cold face. He doesn’t hold back although he should so I’m afraid he’ll end up breaking his own toy in his greed.”  
Ironic, he wanted to call it but that, the way his feelings changed, flattered at first, that the younger actually cared, that someone cared, because he could only name two people who did, his lover, his sister, maybe even his mother who had guarded him from the shadows but was merely an image in his heart, of his mind, he didn’t even remember what she looked like, all too frustrating, all too hurting, but these feelings had changed too fast, hearing how someone was talked about badly, someone Zhengting cared for, someone he loved, because yes, he loved Yanjun, he had already fallen, hard, violently, he couldn’t change it anymore, and now it was too late, because he didn’t want to either, because he was sure that there was no way to revert these flames that had started burning within his heart. It were words of Yanjun being violent, someone who doesn’t hold back, someone who would hurt him, him, he nearly yelled that word in his mind, he couldn’t believe he had to listen to such thing, and maybe the worst hurting was by being called a toy, taking a deep breath, heavy with frustration, not even bothering to answer as he held out his hand, silently asking for his sister’s hand.  
To his surprise, it wasn’t his sister that helped him up, was a big and male hand, Xukun’s guard, Ziyi, he pulled him up with ease, despite his inability to put weight on his one foot, and it seemed to be enough, to make the youngest realize the situation, that he had just said the wrong things, surprise on his face when even his own ward was taking sides, the hurt too evident on the concubine’s face, the empathy, the hint of pity, on the soldier’s, the impenetrable pokerface of his sister, just observing the situation, surely just that harmless, waiting for a chance to report it all, with all the freedom she was granting the prince and his flirting antics, she had a feeling this was crossing lines.  
“Zhengzheng, I’m sorry,” the prince said immediately, scrambling to his feet, looking honestly sorry, but for what exactly, whether it was for the fact he had hurt someone, someone who was intriguing, because he had realized his mistake, just where to draw the line, when to stop, what not to say. “I didn’t mean it!”  
“Didn’t mean what?” Zhengting snapped, turning his head around to look at the younger, forgetting his position, that he wasn’t the one who should behave like this, was but a concubine, lower in rank, lower in position, yelling at a prince, yelling at someone who was just one step beneath his own lover, the second in line for the crown, someone who might, with horrible twists of fate, end up the king too. “To insult someone I love? To insult me? He isn’t someone who’ll hurt me but you just did. He did never say such a thing to me but actually tries to make me laugh. So why do you bother coming around only to hurt me now? Doesn’t that make you worse than how you try to paint him?”  
“Zhengzheng, it’s not-”  
“Don’t,” he butted in immediately, his face twisting in pain with the sudden realization, that he had actually hoped there was one more, someone he could get closer to, because as much as Xukun was intimidating, in his prying ways, making him spill all these truths, all these verities, erasing the filter between mouth and brain, it would have been interesting, getting to know him better, someone who was actually spending time with him, but now he had to consider it again, whether it had been a wrong impression, a wrong start, the wrong words, whether it was the prince’s real face, spouting mean words, but then his expression was saying otherwise, too pitiful, too soft, pleading for forgiveness with his eyes alone and it was just hurting him all the more, startling him all the more, because it was truly confusing, how these two didn’t seem to know each other well, yet they seemed to be close, with Xukun so easily walking around this house, with Yanjun advising him how to behave, as if they knew the other’s habits but never the character, half the knowledge but never enough.  
“Don’t try to apologize now. Because you hurt me and I’d rather you go.” Because he didn’t want to think about it anymore, didn’t want to doubt himself, his feelings, Yanjun, because if those words had been right, he was nothing but a fool, insecurities, lack of confidence, it was coming over him for a moment, seeming overwhelming, making him zone out for a moment, something that might have gone on, continued, until there was a hand heavy on his shoulder, lips close to his ear, a gentle call, soft words.  
“My pearl,” he whispered, tender sigh, it immediately pulled him back to reality, made him turn his head, look at the man right behind him, the prince who had come back, sooner than he had thought, or maybe it was that too much time had passed, because the skies already looked dark, because rain had gotten more intense, because moments seeming so short might have been longer than he thought. “Why are you waiting outside all alone? Shouldn’t you be resting inside?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Xukun snapped but trust me, I'll make up for it again  
> ....probably
> 
> You know how it goes, shoot me your thoughts on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) or ask me stuff on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...a summer that had passed too quick, too fast, a summer that had consisted of Yanjun and Yanjun alone, because that prince had occupied his mind, because that prince had occupied his evenings, had occupied his heart, because this prince might just be the most dangerous person he knew, not because he was cold, not because he was dangerous, not because he couldn’t hold back, not because he couldn’t control himself, but because he made Zhengting unable to do all that, ...

Minutes that had seemed like seconds and hours alike, minutes of one person moving around, moving another, setting up things, with a door that hadn’t been supposed to be opened, showing the inner yard, distressed by rain, loud, heavy, hitting plants and flowers, dripping into the pond, with a body still numb, a mind spaced out, Zhengting only came back when feeling warmth to his back, blinking slowly as he looked down, saw that one arm wrapped around his waist, saw a blanket cover his legs, framed by another set of toned thighs, pressing against his hips, keeping him in place, a gentle hand playing with his hair, and his eyes fell close when his head fell back, resting on a warm and supportive shoulder.  
“You’re feverish,” the voice gently called, fingers wrapped around his forehead, a voice so warm, so gentle, it made the younger feel lured in, lead into a trap and it was a trap he welcomed because this trap meant coming home, meant returning to this welcoming embrace of tenderness and softness and never oppressing, never suffocating.   
“Why were you standing outside like this? One of the guards came running to me, saying you’re in trouble,” the prince went on talking gently, always gentle, it made his lover stir lightly, moving his hand to embrace their fingers, resting on a stomach that felt warm through layers of clothing, felt warm despite the cold outside air, entwined and locked, covered by his second hand, as if to look for all the reassurance that could be offered, for soothing and support, for sweet nothings and little proofs of love.  
“Xukun…” He started slowly, pressing his eyes shut before parting lids again, glassy orbs turning to the prince, a gentle smile, soft expression, he couldn’t be upset looking at such face, couldn’t help adore his royal lover, so he raised a hand to caress his cheek, felt the reaction, how the older leaned into the touch, instinctively, naturally, as if that was all he had ever been supposed to do. “He said some things… And then I thought about them… And then you were there… Always there, always when I need it…”  
“Cheng Xiao said he insulted you,” Yanjun slowly started, as if the topic was still delicate, still fragile, nothing he wanted to touch, nothing he wanted to hurt with, but there was worry, oh so much worry, because he had been called over, rushed through the rain, because he had just seen him standing there, in but thin clothes, not moving, just breathing, hadn’t reacted to anything, not to his name, not to light touch, and his sister hadn’t dared, hadn’t dared touch someone who wasn’t part of this world, wasn’t around in his mind, so he had needed to, had done it, touching him, calling for him, moving him inside and dressing him warmly, grabbing pillows and blankets, sitting outside the rooms, looking at the inner garden, not the outer one, not the one with the pavilion, not the one Xukun usually saw, but his little sanctuary, shared with his lover whose room was right opposite, two out of four doors directed at this garden, two that would never be occupied, two that were the only ones that mattered.  
“Insulted you…” Words that were repeated and yet a denial, because it was where his focus was, where his priorities laid, and the concubine had his priorities set, could ignore being called a toy, but a plaything, because he’d become just that if it meant it was based on love, if it meant remaining as they were right now, cuddled up together, one embracing the other, remaining laughing together during dinner, their nightly routine, remaining sharing kisses, the ones as greeting, the ones out of desire, the ones to claim and he wanted it all, wanted the laughter and the kisses and the possessiveness and the confessions, wanted sweet nothings of love and the laughter of friendship, because he felt cared for and he wanted to go on, wanted to always go on, just wanted to experience it over and over and over again.  
“What did he say?”   
Calling him out from his reveries, with gentle fingers playing with his hair, revealing his beautiful visage, playing and twisting, curling and brushing, it was soothing in the simplest ways because it was but a simple touch with a great effect for it silenced his heart and settled his mind. “Said you can’t hold back… that you’ll hurt me… break me… Called me your toy…”  
A low hum, gentle, soft, underlying cold, as if he was considering the situation, assessing words and weighing consequences, a prince that was upset, not about being insulted but seeing the effect, seeing how it affect his lover, how it messed with an innocent mind, distorted and clouded, so he kissed a sweaty temple and whispered sweet words, “I would never hurt you or break you. I’ve waited for you for too long to throw it all away now that I have you. So don’t listen to him, don’t pay attention to his words. The me that is known to Xukun is not the me that you see. Did you know that you make me relax? That I can behave freely around you? Because you won’t try to deny my words because of my age, you won’t try to get the power I’ll hold in a few years time, you won’t try to poison me just because you were offered gold, you won’t suddenly leave me, won’t disappear and abandon me. So you shouldn’t bother with what he says, Kun doesn’t know anything about us and how we work, do you know that, my pearl?”  
“You know me too well....”  
“I know you as well as you let me, my pearl. Because I love you too much to not trust you on this.”  
“You love me?”  
“I do.”  
“And you trust me?”  
“I do.”  
“And you won’t leave?”  
“You should sleep now.”

Even after a week that morning felt empty, disappointing, cold, his bed too cold, he had hoped he could get used to not waking up alone, to seeing this beautiful face every day, whenever he woke up, waking up to a strong arm pulling his waist and pulling him close, but reality was all too different from dreams, with a fever still haunting him, with his foot still hurting, with his whole body sore from marks, he had been left with disappointment, receiving a greeting of another kind, a letter on his table, sweet words, sweet nothings, a short explanation, about a diplomatic travel, gone for a while, it might be some days, might be few weeks, it had tainted his mood for the worse and still was, now that he was alone and on his own again, with evening painting the skies dark outside, signaled to him by servants coming in to light candles, serving dinner, disappearing as fast as they came, and he couldn’t be bothered at all, with his arm on the table and his head propped on top, rolling a persimmon around on the wooden plate, it was all too boring, all too cold, all too empty, all too eerie, with Yanjun’s laughter and stupid remarks, with his flirty attitude and playful anger, with fingers playing with his hair and sweet nothings, it was all missing and making him feel just all the more alone.  
For sure, there were positive sides to it as well, he wasn’t sick anymore, his foot had gotten better, was allowed to at least go riding again, slow, Cheng Xiao didn’t trust him entirely yet, he had to deal with it, it was still the most entertainment he was able to receive, the scholar boring, his afternoons dull, his evenings quiet, it had been but a few days but the lack of warmth was all too evident, all too obvious, all too burdening, and it was frustration that made him hit the fruit across the room, because there was nothing better he could to do vent it, feeling sorry right the next moment, because it was to hasslesome, struggle worthy, to clean it up again, feeling sorry towards the servants who would need to clean it up, so he carefully moved over on it own, collecting the pieces on his own, soaking the juices with a wipe.  
He could’ve set there for minutes, looking down at the mess he had caused, he could only guess it was because the next time he looked up, startled by noise, seeing a dark frame outside his door, hearing it open, jumping up because it was all too familiar, was like their routine every evening, with the prince stopping by, coming for a visit, excitement rushing through his veins, searing loudly, screaming, yelling, couldn’t be ignored.  
It was all over in the spur of a moment, half stumbling towards the door, expecting to see his lover and faced with a prince entirely different, the young royal that hadn’t visited ever since what they might call a fight, stopping in his tracks, seeing how it wasn’t who he had expected, disappointment evident on his face and evident to others, he could see so by the expression of the guard behind, compassion, a smile that didn’t show on his face was conveyed with his eyes, reassuring, in its own way, making him wonder how a knight seeming so gentle, helping out others, taking sides, looking more like a babysitter at times, how such man had reached such spot, at such young age, what skills he must hold, how much he must have experienced, and it was distracting for a moment too long.  
“I wanted to apologize,” were words, ripping him out of his thoughts, making him focus again, looking at the younger, still looking sad, hurt, guilty, “Your guard told me to wait until you’re healthy again… And it gave me time to think it over so-”  
“Xukun,” Zhengting interrupted him gently, sighing softly, because he wasn’t angry, couldn’t be upset, he didn’t like to hold grudges, would rather forget, and there were still words lingering in the back of his mind, a gentle reminder, that what happened between him and his royal lover, what they talked, showed, how they behaved, it was just between them, and he had realized one thing in passing days, what it meant, to let people think what they want, to just go on, because a body covered in marks, because a concubine staying hidden in the house, because a prince with a reputation as cold, it would lead to all the wrong thoughts, better to be ignored, better to not be regarded, because people would think badly even if they were but a happy couple in public, because there were marriages looking all bright and brim on the outside, all dark and twisted in private, with violence in body and mind, so it was better the other way around, let them think it was bad, he just wanted to be happy, he just wanted to be close to the person he loved, so he had already decided, decided to let it go, to not be hung up, because it was just such human thing. “Sit down first.”  
A hand signing at the table, he watched how the younger got startled, surprised for a moment, before there went a ripple through his body, limbs set into motion, and he mimicked it too, one body moving further into the room, another carefully moving to the other, automatically supported by the guard still standing there, always compassionate, it made him smile immediately, silent words of gratitude, before he leaned forward, waving for a servant that passed by, asking for tea and some food, meeting a quizzical gaze, but he just smiled again, gentle, soft, he always was, could hear the little snicker, could hear how it would fit the ink on his body, because that was what his lover would say, something that would throw him into a playful fit, more laughter, and it made him feel but sad for a moment, because he already missed it, their playful bickering, and he knew he had to hold on, so he just kept his smile as he turned around to a prince that wasn’t the one he wanted but the one that was around.

For maybe it hadn’t been that bad after all, he realized that much some while later, tea had turned into wine, awkward suffocation into small laughter, it was surprising, ironic, how someone younger had to teach him how to drink, because in a brothel the servants didn’t drink, because around royalty a concubine didn’t drink, but right now he didn’t want to think in class and rank, just wanted to enjoy this moment, the talks he had missed while Yanjun was gone, because it would have been distraction, would have been entertainment, while his room felt devoid and his days bleary, so this was maybe the highlight of his week, seeing how his cup was filled again, somewhat certain it was supposed to be his action, to pour the cup for a prince, not have it the other way around, especially because it wasn’t even the one he belonged to.  
“I can’t believe you never before drank,” the younger said with soft laughter, ripping apart the momentary silence of the room, surprise, startle, for sure few people would ever think about it, that in a brothel, where vices of the bodily kind, foods and drinks and sex, were a daily given, that one of their worked had never before drank, because drinking what wasn’t theirs meant punishment, because going out wasn’t allowed, all too neat, all too organized, all too controlled, nothing like the freedom he was able to enjoy now.  
“I can’t believe I never see you as busy as Yanjun,” Zhengting was quick to retort, he had wondered about that at times, how it was too different, his lover gone in the morning, back at night, tired and exhausted, physical activities evident, because there were muscles toned from exercise, diplomatic trainings taking place, because he complained and whined, about draining elders and tiring talks, because he was gone now, gone because of diplomatic schedules that were already bothersome as was.  
“Because I’m not… They all just say ‘Yanjun can do it’ and ‘Yanjun learns it’...” With a sigh, the prince plopped down on the table, arms stretched forward, reaching the other end with ease, his expression bitter, disliking what they were talking about, but he still went on talking, whiny and complaining, as if alcohol was helping him run his tongue, satisfaction, that was what the older felt, because for once it wasn’t just his confession time, for once it wasn’t just him running his mouth, now he was finally hearing more about the other who had always lured the truth out of him alone. “I don’t exist in the eyes of my uncle… Because Yanjun is perfect and all he looks for in a crown prince so why even bother training someone else for that? I learn the things I need to and that’s where it stops, I don’t get additional tasks or excessive training like he does… Ziyi sometimes goes with me… But I’m not nearly of the level of my cousin… And even you… He has such a pretty concubine, he always gets what he wants, all the pretty things... All…”  
“I think it’s time I take him home,” a gentle voice from the doorway suddenly calls, shocking Zhengting, startling him, a little whine that was caused by the surprise, but it was but the guard he had just mentioned, the tall black frame, that had spoken up, managed to open the doors without any noise, so it wasn’t any wonder it had been unnoticed, until these words had been said, leaving the older only just nod his head slowly, observing the other with attentive eyes, collecting the younger, with such surprising ease picking him up, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and grabbing him by the waist, “The things he said now, I hope you won’t spread them around. He’s-”  
“...drunk,” Zhengting finished the sentence, smiling lightly, because he did know such behavior, had seen it more often than he would like, from whores and clients alike, had needed to clean their messes, so this was still a harmless case, reassuring, because he didn’t even need to take care of it on his own, didn’t need to tend drunk people, didn’t need to assess just how drunk the youngster actually was, only watched how he was taken away carefully, reaching the door already, it was only then he spoke up again, quietly, softly, “Ziyi?”  
The tall man merely turned his head, couldn’t face him all properly with someone hanging down his side, his eyes encouraging, inquiring, he realized it must be a habit, asking questions with these dark orbs rather than words, so he went on, asking all on his own, “Is that the reason they don’t get along well?”  
There was silence, heavy, suffocating, making him start to regret his words, wonder whether it hadn’t been too much, whether it had been a question he hadn’t been supposed to ask in first place, because the answer took all that long, wasn’t what he had wanted to hear, what he had expected to hear, “Good night, sir. You should drink some water before going to sleep or you’ll be in a worse state than him.”  
“Zhengting. Just… call me Zhengting,” he offered, wondering whether it had been too much, too audacious, but in the end, as he could see how the young prince behaved, how he showed up over and over again, like an overly attached puppy, craving attention, giving attention, at times it was adorable, at times it was intimidating, because he got out all the many verities from him.  
“Then… good night, Zhengting, and don’t forget to drink something,” the guard repeated gently, luring a nod from the older, all the reaction he needed, demanded, before they were both gone, disappeared in the darkness of night, leaving a lonely spirit alone in his home, with a cup fully filled and downed, again and again, until he found the remaining half of the bottle had disappeared, feeling the dizziness occupying his mind, blurring his vision, making his hand tremble as he reached for his tea, remembering these words, to drink some water before sleeping, and tea was as good as water, so he slowly drank it, emptied it, until it all was gone.  
Lonely… It was but lonely as he realized in his drunken state, remembering words he had heard before, the little invitation, about a room that was just on the other side of the inner yard, just a few meters away from him, and these doors that weren’t supposed to be opened, these doors that should remain closed, doors he should only use in a case of emergency, he regarded it quite well as emergency now, this unbearable desire, this insatiable greed, with wobbly legs and stumbling steps, moving along the wooden panels, supporting himself on the walls, towards dark doors, with no light shining behind, and he couldn’t care, couldn’t think, because he just didn’t want to be alone, didn’t want to be in his room that felt eerie, didn’t want to be surrounded by things he knew too well and that felt cold now that he was alone, colder than his prince, his lover, the man that stolen his heart.  
It felt welcoming, to be greeted by the scent he knew, sweet sickening water lilies mixed with the metallic taste of weapons, the spicy smell that was unique to his lover, carefully making his way around a room he had never before seen, trying to make out the shapes he could within the lack of light in a room engulfed in darkness, welcoming, warm, he let out a little sigh when he finally found the bed, the scent more intense, engulfing him, like the embrace he had so urgently craved for, no arms that weighed down his side but a blanket heavy, soaked with the smell he so urgently craved, a sense of familiarity, something he wanted to be used to more, something he wanted to to be a feeling lingering on, something that helped him doze off all that efficiently after nights of kicking blankets, restless in the remaining summer heat, a summer that had passed too quick, too fast, a summer that had consisted of Yanjun and Yanjun alone, because that prince had occupied his mind, because that prince had occupied his evenings, had occupied his heart, because this prince might just be the most dangerous person he knew, not because he was cold, not because he was dangerous, not because he couldn’t hold back, not because he couldn’t control himself, but because he made Zhengting unable to do all that, rendered him powerless, powerless in the face of his self-control, in his holding back, seemed all too dangerous, intimidating, because he wasn’t the way he had once been, wasn’t closed off, wasn’t alone, and not being alone anymore meant there were things to lose.  
“Come back soon…” He mumbled into pillows that wouldn’t reply, whispered into fabric that was lifeless, but speaking his mind, at times, even when it were words muttered into silence that wouldn’t respond, it was still better than keeping it all to himself, hoping, wishing, dreaming, that these words would transform, would morph into a nightingale, would search for the person he loved so it would chirp about his love, that the ink on his hips would become real to look for the person he desired, would fly, arrive, search and find, receive and tell, because the bird he carried on his skin remained a symbol of love, oh so deep love, love that had claimed his heart, a bird that could fly, a bird that could reach, could go where he couldn’t and in his lovesick heart he wanted to believe that miracles happened, that his wish could be conveyed, that somehow, maybe, a nightingale close to his prince heard his thoughts spoken into a delirium of alcohol and drinks, his thoughts that but phrased the desires he held within, that these thoughts would be received, sent forward, so a man that was somewhere entirely else would still be able to know about his love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it pains me to know that this chapter is shorter than what I am used to but I sent off Yanjun so this is my fault alone
> 
> get updates on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) and ask me about endgames on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wanted Yanjun to come back, because he missed him, because he loved him, because he couldn’t bear this sense of abandonment.  
> Because he couldn't bear his own guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it took me 5 days to update, I'm utterly sorry!

Just like before, merely a week between such occurrences, a week that should have passed quick but had been way too long, long and longer, because he had been lonely and missing, craving to hear the voice he couldn’t, to feel the touch he wanted, to be in the company he lacked, all too impossible and lonely, but with Xukun showing up a first time, they settled soon into a somewhat casual routine, the second prince showed up in the afternoons, when both of them were done with studies, with Zhengting’s personal scholar gone and his brain smoked, as if all his thinking abilities were like rats exiled from houses, exiled by setting controlled fires, the smog settling within buildings, all rushing out and scrambling away, and it felt all too tiring to only ever go from studying in the morning, over loneliness in the afternoon, to finally reaching emptiness in his bed and ending up stealing pillows from a room that wasn’t his to enter to simply be able to inhale this uniquely addicting scent.  
Days passed until he found out more, how Xukun was kind of the same, would study in the mornings, learning about war and diplomacy, wanting to learn poetry but learning weapons, needing to rely on himself alone to learn fine arts, the things he actually admired, confessing how he admired Zhengting, such beauty, such elegance, wanting to own him too, and the older could only smile it off, countering with another question, about sports, fighting, listening to stories of getting beat up and always lacking the skills, and whenever it itched the concubine to ask about his lover, ask where the difference between the royal studies of two princes were, how they’d do in a competition, up against each other, how the prince would see it all, he had to bite it back down because words were stuck in the back of his mind, the little whines of all the things Yanjun did and received, the things he set his eyes on and got, that he didn’t dare bring him up all too often around the younger anymore.  
There were also a few other words of wisdom stuck in his memory, years older, coming up from time to time lately, whenever Xukun showed up at his door, approached from behind while sitting right outside his room and near the little creek, had tea with him in the pavilion in the outer gardens, words one of the whores at the brothel had said to him once, when the beautiful lady had been drunk, sitting at her dressing table in her room where she told him to wait, talk to her because it had been a rough night, but all the talking had been done by her, going on and on, with a melodic voice, speech never slurred and movements never erratic, everything perfect and controlled, no one would have thought she were drunk if not for the flush on her cheeks and her cleavage, a beautiful rosy tint, and young innocent teenage him shouldn’t have felt attracted, so instead he had focused on her words alone, avoided his gaze and arranged sheets.  
_“Every relationship has their own dynamic,” she had laughed, livid and jittery, but all too soft, always a voice that had to be pleasing to the ears, and it had been pleasing, quite so, a voice that would drown sailors, released by a siren parting her lips, “Did you know that? And finding out about dynamics and what people want and what all these men coming here crave is all we ever do. Except sleeping with them.” She had laughed again and turned around in her seat, walking over to her bed while peeling out of her clothes, all expensive silk with beautiful adornments, carelessly dropped onto the grounds until there was but a nightdress left, sliding beneath blankets and curling up in bed, bright eyes still looking at him, watching him, like an eagle with a mouse, watching how he picked up vulnerable fabrics to neatly put them aside again._  
_“Do you know why we’re different from the brothels in town?” And she watched, always watched, how he slowly shook his head in denial, because he didn’t know, hadn’t ever gone to one, because those few times he had ever left the brothel and its outhouses and gardens, he could count them all on his two hands within the nearly twenty years of his life. “Do you want to know?” And with these eyes still on him, all dark and daring, with all the power a woman could hold and by the gods, he knew how much power they held, saw it when generals became butter when entering their halls, saw the most infamous scholars, known for poisonous tongues and harsh words, turn into poets spouting but sweet words, and with these very eyes, still prying, still watching, she watched him, watched and waited, until she saw him nod his head._  
_“Because we learn about these dynamics. We learn about what the people coming here want and crave, we create a dynamic they want and get them hooked because we’re not just a brothel to have them fuck us like dogs. Some of them come here so often and never saw a bedroom because they don’t want the body but the mind, did you know that?” She laughed, and back then it had sounded like divine beings singing, charming, wooing, it had made him distracted for all too long, didn’t notice the exhaustion in her eyes, the dark circles, because even like that, such woman had still been charming. “What I want to tell you is, if you ever manage to get out of here, when you make friends or even find someone to love you, just never forget about dynamics… Because every relationship is unique and you need to find out what they want from you…”_  
And it had sounded so easy when said by such pretty lips, with such beautiful melody, but as reality had knocked on his door, when he had been ripped out of his lonely life, he realized it wasn’t easy at all, had wondered whether it was him to control the dynamic or others, and it seemed so obvious, how Yanjun had been the one in control, not in obvious ways, not in oppressing ways, but by always asking things, initiating things, encouraging him with gazes and letting him try, by always letting him back out, he was like a tree, offering his branches to a single nightingale, letting it sleep and eat, was like a pond, deep and refreshing and cooling and all that at once, letting a fish live inside and protecting it, because Yanjun was all that, was all about holding out his hand and waiting for him to take it, was placing kisses on his skin and waiting for permission, he was in control but he had never controlled, and Zhengting had fit into this dynamic because he had loved it.  
It was so obvious how Cheng Xiao looked for all and nothing, there were times she was soft, was worried gazes and gentle words, was a little sister he could pet on her head, was wise in her advice and told him the rules, rules of a world he didn’t know, and sometimes she was so far away, with her gaze locked and her face stern, was nothing more but a guard protecting him, she let him control because she had to listen to him, she let him lead because he was her big brother, she allowed him all this and that and yet she was honest, didn’t hold back to tell him off, didn’t deny him when he had done wrong, and it was all too obvious she had made sure he would stay put, rest, recover, because his foot still hadn’t been too well, and that was their dynamic, listening to another like spirals running down columns, because they were twirled around each other and had their own flow and if only she wasn’t his guard but merely his sister…  
He sighed and jumped on, looking at the prince a few meters ahead, could only see his back, moving gently with the slow steps of his horse, all beautiful white and dark spots, as if to tell tales, about imperfections of a prince with an innocent hard, so childish and naive it was easy to dislike the one above him, just wanting praise and to deserve his spot and he couldn’t, because the king didn’t see him but only his son, and even Zhengting, even him, he only saw that son, only thought of Yanjun, his lover, his prince, and he kept thinking of him, until that younger prince burst into his room, declaring they’d go for a ride, get some fresh air, would show him the palace, and he had all too readily agreed, had begged his sister for permission, his best puppy eyes, because his foot wasn’t well but he could walk, could go these short distances, they would ride slow, no need for too much weight on his sole, and that was their dynamic, that she had agreed because he had needed it, had allowed him, accompanied by her and Ziyi, but not without last words, quite comical ones, because he had still needed to dress properly.  
With Ziyi and Cheng Xiao both behind, their horses all too much like them, all tall and black with long legs and shining fur, all soft brown and elegant, with a white line down the face and perfectly braided mane, and right there he forgot about Yanjun, could only inhale the soft scent of late summer flowers blooming, fresh air and greens in his nose, silent at times and talkative at others, and it was this moment he considered just what the relationship between them was.  
And it seemed to be such a confusing relationship, such a difficult dynamic, because there would be days it was easy, when they were just sitting next to each other, drinking tea, each focused on their own thing, and there were those it was difficult, when the younger showed signs of jealousy, pointing out how Yanjun didn’t deserve him, how he couldn’t understand how someone so gentle was with his cold cousin, how he could choose better, could choose Xukun, and these moments he silently had to bear with, because he knew he didn’t need to tell, didn’t need to mention how it was all that different, that Yanjun wasn’t a scary lover, wasn’t dominating in any bad way, and there were times the prince became shameless, told him about his lips being kissable, tried to touch his hand and hold it, reached over for something and let skin brush, one day even, when they had drunk again, he leaned in for a kiss, much to the older’s luck, he had been too drunk to even aim right, way too far off with his pursed lips and making it easy to dodge.  
But the worst was, despite how the younger was most often easy to deal with, never too much, mostly still holding back when excluding his mouth, always too easily running it off, he still couldn’t figure out what he wanted, just why the prince had come to him, talked to him, hit on him, there was no obvious reason to it, there would be no secret confessions of love, no long harbored crush, it either was that much easier or that much more difficult, and he couldn’t even tell what the younger’s initial motivation to come to him had been, whether it had been to upset Yanjun, curiosity about his biggest rival’s newest interest, toy maybe even, depending on whether they could even be called rivals, disappointment about not having been able to find what the older prince had been able to, more so, it had been a place frequented somewhat regularly, yet he had never been able to find this gem himself, had instead been the one to overlook it, get such thing snatched from him, and by the man he was jealous of nonetheless.  
Because he couldn’t understand this initial motivation, because he missed this bit of motivation, compared to Yanjun, his beloved, the prince admitted to it before he left, made it obvious, easy, an information he couldn’t just fake, compared to Cheng Xiao, so easy to understand, a motivation utterly business, but Xukun was a riddle, a mystery, and he didn’t like riddles, they confused him, were too much for him, he didn’t like holding back, doing things behind someone’s back, he wanted to be straight forward although he wasn’t even himself, because for years and years on he hadn’t been allowed to be exactly that, needed to be quiet, stand in the corner, and now he slowly needed to crawl out of his shell, slowly and surely, and he would do the same to this kind of new prey.

____

 

“Say,” he finally said, hours later, settled outside his room, their backs against the walls, enjoying the silent time of night, blankets lazily draped over their laps, one each, and even without looking Zhengting could sense their guards, Ziyi who had merged with the shadows, all black clothes and black hair in black darkness and if it weren’t for his pale skin and the light of the moon, he might as well have been invisible, not moving, and his own sister, just sitting a few meters down, resting her back against a wooden pillar, her eyes on them, careful, attentive, like a babysitter hired by his royal lover, but her ears, he knew that much, were elsewhere entirely, waiting for danger, listening to the smallest of noises, because nights like these were dangerous, but he didn’t care, because it felt good, felt comfortable.  
A quizzical hum was the only response, telling him to go on, to ask whatever he wanted to ask, while Xukun was already busy, filled their cups again, the warm alcohol that was burning down his throat, poured into a little container, telling him to go on again and he waited but a moment, waited until they could clink their drinks together, to then down it, a last spurt into courage, giving him the kick he needed, to utter the words he wanted, to finally ask, “Why did you show up that day? After I spent my first night with him… It felt as if you had chosen that day specifically but why?”  
For the first time, which seemed surprising, after a summed up amount of a dozen days of meeting now, the three before, over a week now, he heard Xukun laugh out loud, not the small chuckle from usual, that amused grin, little entertained huff, it was all different all times, but now, in this kind of setting, for the first time he heard some sort of proper laughter, startling him, making him wonder whether his question had been all that stupid, all that naive, maybe he shouldn’t even have asked, was ready to take back his question already, when the answer came just in time, “Did you know that your coming here was escorted by a lot of rumors?”  
It seemed their roles had changed, now Zhengting was the curious one, questioning eyes directed at the younger, nipping at his next drink, could feel the drowsiness and dizziness that came with such thing, such liquor, but he held it in well, because this question, the one he so urgently had needed to hear an answer to, the question that had bothered him for days now, because without these words, without an explanation, there was no way he could ever understand their odd kind of relationship.  
“Around that time, there was a rumor of a spy. But it couldn’t be within the palace, all the people who enter here need to be registered at the gates one way or another, either they show their permission for trespass or an invitation or someone needs to go and fetch them. Which doesn’t mean assassins don’t find their way in but… you know,” he laughed, shaking his head lightly, black curls flying around before settling on his forehead again, making him look younger, more gentle, naive, with alcohol flushed cheeks and pouty lips, “So where else would they get to hear everything? About politics and internal affairs and what not? Where do people drink and spill secrets?”  
Eyes that might so easily look like a deer’s, like a baby’s, tender expression and innocent color, they were now harder, calculating, made the older man realize just how dangerous even the second in line of the crown could be, traits different to the ones of his lover, or maybe he was just another great actor, someone who might be able to read into it well. “Brothels…”  
“Brothels, right,” Xukun agreed, tilting his head back and having it meet with the wall, little smirk on his lips still, “At least this kind of brothel you were in, where it isn’t only about sex and drinks but also distraction and entertainment. And a short while later, so very fast, he actually gets himself a concubine in a brothel? Isn’t it suspicious?” There it was again, this laughter, and slowly he started to wonder, in his analyzing mind, whether it wasn’t a laughter of disbelief, with himself, with reality, with this world, with such reality. “I thought to myself, ‘Wow, he did it again…’ But then the rumors went on, saying it wasn’t a spy but a bet between kingdoms, sending their most beautiful child to the most unexpected of places so Yanjun needs to find him within a certain time to settle the engagement. And then I saw you…” A soft sigh, dreamy expression, as if his self-control had slipped for a moment’s time, all masks had broken down, it was way less graceful, not nearly as smooth as it was with Yanjun, it was like a mirror being shattered, revealing someone’s true self, the helplessness, the truth, honesty, it was like the woman in love with the moon looking for her lover every night, dreaming to be close again, adoring him, and it was tying ropes around his heart to pull them tight.  
“I came to visit him, a while before that day,” the prince started slowly, licking his lips for a moment, downing another drink, before his eyes fell close and a smile showed up, “Everyone wondered what this hidden concubine of my brother would look like, why he was kept a secret from everyone, and all these rumors… All we knew for sure was that that concubine must have been so utterly beautiful because he never fell for anyone, never chose anyone before but then suddenly there was someone so they had to be beautiful, right? And you really were… Talking and laughing to your guard, you looked so bright… Like the sun or a star… Polaris… And I just was so curious, about you and why he chose you and how he would someone who is so bright like you… He’s like the darkness and ice, he never likes anyone or chose anyone and then it’s someone who’s like you… I really was just curious. That it happened to be that day, it was coincidence. But the lack of sleep was evident on his face.”  
“Xukun,” someone called out from the side, out of the shadows, gentle and soft but all that dominating, reprimanding, with Zhengting’s eyes darting towards the guard, having stepped slightly forward, over to Cheng Xiao, more tense in her position, as if she was ready to jump in between her brother and whatever threat there was, even when it was directed at the prince, and he saw the uneven pair exchange a look, a silent agreement, and both settled in their places again, a moment too short to actually distract Xukun from his drunk blabber, going on immediately, “And then I actually met you and you were like a real star, all bright and glowing… I don’t know why you stick around with him, why can’t you just choose me?”  
He had to list it all over again, all the surprised that took place ever since the place he first met Yanjun, all the weird happenings, confessions, words, situations, to have this be first, could only look at the younger in shock, hearing such inquiry at such unexpected time, wanting to fault it on the alcohol, despairing, gaze darting towards Ziyi, still hidden in the shadows, Cheng Xiao, all eyes but never ears, at the prince again, and he could only feel guilty, because it made him happy, made butterflies flutter in his stomach, made him want to cry out in distress, because it wasn’t Yanjun who had spouted such words, because it was someone else to make his heart race like this.  
And it were these thoughts alone that were needed, enough to distract him, make him space out, until there were lips pressed against his, all thick and plump, all moist from alcohol and licking him, pushed against his own, moving gently, and he hated himself for it, for actually replying to it,his fingers itching to raise his hands, grab the younger by the neck, to push him against the wall, because there were all these hidden desires, all suppressed, kept low, because his lover was gone and his needs had been awoken, greed, hunger, and he would have done it, would have demanded more, if it hadn’t suddenly stopped, had ended with big eyes, startled, with a female hand on a slender shoulder, a male hand on a slender forearm, there was danger in brown orbs and a threat in black eyes, but the ways it took, with these doe eyes directed at him, telling him he had crossed lines, and warning eyes directed at his sister, he realized right there it meant trouble, and Xukun must know too, carefully leaning back and getting up, gently asking, “None of this had happened right now… I’ll apologize, I’ve drunk too much.”

He wanted to cry, he wanted to whine and rant and let it all out, still drunk as he wobbled around, past the inner garden, to a room that wasn’t his, because he knew he was at fault, had dealt with the silent treatment from his younger sister, ever since the younger prince had been gone, had dealt with it, sent her home, kept on drinking, liquor and water along, until he had washed away the taste of a kiss he hadn’t been supposed to receive, hadn’t been supposed to reply to, and as he dropped into a foreign bed, a bed smelling like his lover, like the person he craved to kiss, to touch, to feel, with body against body and skin against skin, with hands roaming his limbs as if he was the most holy at times and yet the cheapest whore, adoration and dominance all at once, with teeth biting him love and lips sucking him ownership.  
Those were the lips he wanted to taste, the lips he wanted to feel on his skin, tracing the paths they had taken with his fingers, through thin layers of silk with layers of clothes already stripped, left behind in his own room, only in the least of his garments, cuddled up in a faded scent of his lover, mixed with his one, tangled and mingled, and he buried his face deeper into the pillows, inhaling all he could, sickeningly sweet water lilies, metallic taste of weapons, spicy scent of sweat and manliness, and he should feel guilty, for getting turned on in a bed that wasn’t his, for having a hand that wasn’t his lover’s slide between his legs, grabbing himself hard, bare skin against bare skin, grunting into fabric, calling for a man that wasn’t around, drowning in memories too old, trying to remember the contact of skin too faded.  
It was all brought up by force, how lips had traveled his body, kissed and sucked and bitten and marked, making him hurt in pleasure, satisfaction, making his legs tremble, how these very lips had been hatched to his, with his body feeling stuffed, invaded, gasping loudly, louder, arching his back, how hands had controlled him, caressed him, stroked him, grabbed him and thrown him, onto his back, onto his knees, his side, on top, he whined more desperately, growing and increasing, overwhelming, until it was all too hot, all too much, and he wanted to find relief in it, wanted to indulge further, when it all got thrown drown, toppled over, trampled down, because there was this kiss, so sweet and innocent, naive, drunk, questioning more than demanding, and with a sensation still lingering, with lips still hot, with his mouth craving for more, more than just a little touch, he released, sullying sheets that weren’t his own, hand wet, fingers sticky, breaking down again beneath the cover of blankets because he hadn’t meant to, had just wanted to sleep and yet wanted to do this, because he missed him, missed these hands, missed these lips, missed cold jokes and warm laughter and heated nights.  
A mess, all of it was a mess, and he wanted to punch something but he had no strength left, with his limbs heavy from drinking and his legs trembling from the thought of lips biting hardened flesh of muscles tensed, leaving evidence to a night well spent, he wanted to punch and break, because he knew he wasn’t supposed to think like this, wasn’t supposed to feel for a man that wasn’t his, wasn’t supposed to be wooed by words he shouldn’t have heard, and he could only whine and whisper and plea and plead, that Yanjun would be coming back soon, would occupy his mind again, because he only wanted to feel the embrace of strong arms and a warm chest pressing to his back, with lips breathing hot air against his sensitive ear, because he didn’t want to sway because of loneliness and liquor, because it wasn’t what his lover deserved and he wanted to risk.  
He wanted Yanjun to come back, because he missed him, because he loved him, because he couldn’t bear this sense of abandonment.  
Because he couldn't bear his own guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you expected this to be soft and fluff - ha!
> 
> as usual, updates on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) and all ears - or eyes - on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and fire burning in ice that were supposed to be cold, blazing, hot, and it wasn’t soothing, it wasn’t warming, it was a punishment of being eaten up alive, with flames tearing at clothes and scorching silk to turn it black, and it wasn’t directed at him, it wasn’t his punishment to suffer, it was a realization cold like bathing in winter, in water half frozen and chilling his bones, fire and ice, and he wished he had never seen.

Waking up in the morning, with Yanjun’s scent still surrounding him, invading his nostrils, clouding his mind, he couldn’t help but smile, all forgotten the things he had done in his lover’s bed, how he had touched himself, jerked off to the thought of his prince, how much he had actually drank, it didn’t bother him at all, mostly because he wasn’t able to think of anything when he just wanted to cuddle into pillows, pull them to his chest, bury his nose in the fabric smelling of another person, soothing his aching heart, lonely, yearning, with his hands reaching around the bed, fumbling to find something to cuddle, all blankets and sheets and warm skin and firm muscles and, winding back, firm muscles and warm skin.  
He actually had to force them open, his eyelids feeling as if they had been foxed together, stuck and heavy, needing to blink several times, processing the deep blue and purple hues of the room, curtains fluttering with a breeze that seemed to come from nowhere, he knew it wasn’t, knew it must be the one of the doors being open, maybe the one to the inner garden, since there was no sound of feet shuffling reaching him, a sound he would’ve known, a thought that was all but kept, seeing what he had craved for days now, seeing the mess of black hair, a face hidden somewhere in silky fabric, and he didn’t hold back, didn’t take his time to stare, to appreciate the sight, of how the prince would only move his head every some minutes, taking a deeper breath, no, he wanted to see it immediately, forgetting all manners, all rules, all about behavior, as he scrambled up from his position, energy of a young puppy getting a treat, crashing his weight against Yanjun’s.  
The reaction came immediately, the older rolling on his side, pulling him close, his own barely clothed self pressed against a half-naked prince, clinging tightly, inhaling the scent he had so often smelled and never enough, because it wasn’t intense enough, strong enough, and now he had it again, felt warmth scorching through his body, felt his heart come to ease, settling within an embrace he had missed so much, tangling their legs, wrapping his around toned thighs, pulling him as close as possible. “I missed you… missed you so much…”  
Low chuckle, making his heart flutter, his lips tugging into a smile, pressing them against golden skin, over and over again, little kisses that were like a butterfly’s flap, making that snicker prolong, until digits moved up, tracing his spine, palming his neck, driving into his hair, to make his head tilt back and eyes met eyes, locked, intense, a teasing grin and sultry voice, “I noticed. Sleeping in my bed at night when I’m not around, I should be scolding you for this. But I couldn’t imagine any better way to be greeted when coming back home than having you in my arms.”  
Lightly his eyes widened, looking at Yanjun for a moment, startled, sorry, guilty, chewing his lower lip, trying to come up with a proper explanation, an excuse, but words about having been drunk and lonely surely wouldn’t suffice, wouldn’t illuminate why he had done what he had, and it seemed like it was all to obvious, easy to be seen, because it was followed by a small laughter and shake of a head with beautiful black strands flying around, “Hadn’t I told you myself to go here when you miss me? I’m just glad you decided to last night.”  
And he was sure he could melt right there, that he was but wax in his lover’s hands, because seeing the prince’s gazes, doting, gentle, adoring, it warmed his heart and itched his fingertips, wanting to touch, feel, make sure this wasn’t just a dream, felt his lips burning with desire, tingling, blazing, so he didn’t hold back anymore by driving his fingers into a black mess, keeping him in place as he leaned in, greedy and sensual and desiring and yearning, lips meeting lips, moving and licking and biting and exploring, and with positions so easily aligning, with Yanjun on his back and the younger on top, back arched, craving for skin on skin, craving for more, and it seemed like the older was all too willing to give him exactly that.  
Breathless and panting, finally pulling back, lips parting, wet, glistening, tongues tracing their own each, and Zhengting slowly moved up, into a sitting position, straddling a sturdy pair of hips while looking at the exposed upper body of his love, hands roaming around, soaking up warmth like a sponge would with water, tracing lines of muscles and veins, all too focused, all too captivating, blind to the eyes that explored his body and hands that undid his upper garments, but a few strings that had been tied up until the silk slipped down his shoulders, stopping at his elbows, beautiful wrinkles adorning his slight curves, all ignored, all too focused, all golden skin beneath his palms and love in his eyes.  
“My pearl,” a gentle voice, teasing, playful, it called him out of his trance, gaze travelling up until theirs were locked, his own quizzical, meeting dark orbs, broken, because they travelled down his body, to the sheets, a mess, stains, a grin on plush lips and dimples looking dangerous, like water whirls to suck him in, make him drown, his heart stopped, cheeks flushed red, because he had been caught, found out, and he wasn’t just let off the hook, “Just how much did you miss me? Weren’t you able to hold it in for one more day? Or did you think of me more often than I know?”  
“That…” His tongue felt heavy, meeting these knowing eyes, working well, to not have him think straight, not have him come up with an excuse, hands working again, peeling him out of the sleeves, throwing the piece of clothing aside, caressing his sides, tracing muscle lines with his thumb, shivers running down his spine, numbing his tongue and making it hard to phrase words, “Thought about you a lot… Missed you… But that was the only time… just this once…”  
“Show me.”  
And his eyes widened, looking down at the prince, still with this cocky smirk, as if he knew exactly, just what it did to him, how difficult it was, to have to do it, show off, but they were spelling chants, binding him, trapped, making him a puppet with ease, clouding his mind, because gazes felt like touches, burning on his skin, just like his actual hands, rubbing his sides, a few last times, moving down, settling on his thighs, grabbing them, groping them, looking for his sensitive insides to rub, until he was gasping, panting, until his own hands were busy, sliding down his front, chest, stomach, fading inside his pants to throw wood into fire and his body in heat, nails digging into golden skin, scratching on abs, supporting, clawing, as noises grew louder and people closer.

There were new marks on his skin, adorning his neck and his shoulders, his back and his chest, aching in only the sweetest ways, bruises on his thighs from being grabbed to hard, marks of nails, harmless compared to those on Yanjun, bloody scratches down his back, because it had been sensual, violent, loving, claiming, all too much and all too little, until they had settled in hot water and with sickening sweet weighing down the air.  
“Your visit,” he started slowly, playing with some flower petals that were drifting around, swimming on the surface, they weren’t lilies, looked like roses, white and yellow, velvety to his touch, but something to occupy his hands, while his hand dropped back, sliding further into the water, comfortable with his back against a warm chest, hands keeping him in place, locked and resting on his stomach, tied to strong arms circling his waist, “How did it go?”  
A low hum, considering, some kisses placed along his shoulders, neck, before they were gone, gazes meeting, a gentle smile, before Yanjun let out a sigh and pulled the younger closer again, “I need you to do something.”  
“Hm?” Lightly the concubine raised his brows, watching the older with quizzical eyes, head turned, inhaling his scent, despite the solemn mood, serious words, there was an underlying ease, gentleness, as if touches were words, confessions of love, relaxing and loving, warming and protecting, he wanted to stay like this forever, in this hot spring and surrounded by his lover’s favorite flowers, in his arms, with lips on his neck and whispers in his ear. “If you’re asking me to touch myself for you again, I won’t be able to. You already exhausted me too much…”  
“I won’t,” the prince said with amusement, well aware he had, from morning to noon, it was past lunch time already, with all that time spent in bed, busy marking skin and claiming what was his, until they had both been exhausted, for lack of sleep for one, dehydration for the other, calling an end to it, taking a break, catching their breath, changing location, but the amusement didn’t last long, silence heavy on them for but a moment, before words were said again, “I need you to go to your family. Talk to your mother and her husband and ask them to make you a member of their family officially and to nullify your title as husband. You need to.”  
Despair, lacing through these words, it was tugging at the younger’s heart, making it difficult to breath, because he didn’t understand, had pushed it back, tried to avoid it, ignore it, because he didn’t want to think about his family, not on his own, and even now it made him tense, but why was it, just why, that he was supposed to be desperate, sad, frustrated, that he, the one was supposed to be afraid, wasn’t the one to sound so distressed, so he let go of the petal, let it drift away on surface again, to reach for something beneath, caress these hand resting on his skin, trying to soothe the older, silently, quietly, awaiting further explanations.  
Zhengting knew him, knew that after a while, after some calming down, there would come more words, without any pressure, without any questions, to just take it slow and with ease, he knew and he was right, because some minutes had passed, with but the sound of water and wind, and his voice reverberated again, “It was for a peace treaty but you might know that it’s not done with just signing some papers.” As if action calmed him, his hands were parted, undone, one finding their match, two contrary sets of digits tied up, entwined, while one was raised, driving through brown strands, playing with them, twirling them around and curling them around knuckles. “In this case, I’ll need to marry one of their daughters. The king didn’t care, whether she’d be my first wife or my third so I still have some time to prepare everything. So you need to be taken in and become part of nobility so I can wed you first.”  
Fight, flight, and freeze, he had learned that just a few days ago, were the reactions of a cornered animal and human alike, to raise their fists or start running or just stay in place, and right that moment, after hearing such plea, he was sure he was victim to the third, muscles tense, lips parted, staring at his lover, because this was nonsense, he hadn’t heard right, a matter of impossibility, with his mouth dry and knuckles white, he really didn’t know how Yanjun was able to bear with his tight grip, must have been painful, before he suddenly flailed his limbs, tried to get away, with water splashing around and droplets flying, trying to escape a situation that was too much, messing with his mind, seemed to unreal to be true.  
Strong arms, merciless hand, grabbing him, pulling him back, until he was breathless and on the older’s lap, his eyes frantic as he looked around, everywhere but him, overthrown by a situation he hadn’t seen coming, keeping him down until he was calm again, didn’t flee again despite hands parting from skin, cupping his cheeks, making him look down at a face too beautiful and eyes too prying, knowing, never cold, he couldn’t understand it anymore, couldn’t comprehend, how anyone would ever call him cold, frozen, icy, when he was all but that.  
“Zhengting, my pearl - marry me.”

Alcohol, this time, wasn’t meant to celebrate, the liquor delivered to him when he was alone again, calming his mind and numbing his thoughts, hands gentle on the brush he held, writing away and sealing papers, because with whatever demon had possessed his tongue, he for sure still couldn’t understand it, how he had been able to reply, crazy enough to agree, accept the offer, a devil in his mind and a demon on his shoulder, and he had said yes.  
It had been not long, he had merely sent off the letter, a request to his mother and her husband alike, the man that had kicked him out, called him a bastard, denied him the warmth and comfort of a family, had sent him off, ripped him out of his mother’s arms and hands, and with a body too small and thoughts too simple, he hadn’t remembered anything at all, hidden in the darkness of his past, as he only knew his life as it was, having grown up in a brothel and not a loving home, but maybe it had been better after all, that home wouldn’t have been loving, wouldn’t have been worth much, because there was a man who hated him and a woman who was desperate, with a sister that had been sent away, and to meet her like this, with ease, with comfort, maybe it had been better after all.  
The painful truth, though, was that he was sure he’d succeed, no matter pride, no matter hate, this man would take him in, would call him his blood and flesh, a son, when he was all but that, because it would be tempting, sufficient, to become the father-in-law of the future king, because power and influence and money and gold, it was enough to get to all their heads, to make them lose their standards and ditch their ethics, and he knew, because men were easy and petty and women were obedient and quiet.  
Staring at the remains of his writing, at ink and a brush dipped black, he wasn’t sure what to feel, joy, anxiety, fear, excitement, because there was a reason for each, and it was too tiring to decide, to figure out which would fit, because all he could think of were intense eyes, burning bright and with love, focused on him and him alone, and it made his heart flutter and his veins burn, his lips tugging up, little smile, that was only covered by the cup he raised to his mouth to drown liquor again, to ease his heart, beating heavy and fast, and that smile didn’t go, didn’t disappear, only grew brighter when he heard the sound of a door, head whipping around, only to break down, a shattered mirror, disappointment, because it wasn’t Yanjun, because it was a face distorted, a grimace, pained and broken and confused, emotions he had himself, on a visage flushed read, covered in sweat, chest heaving and falling, rushed, hurried, words stumbling out, a mess, “You… Yanjun… Rumors… it true?”  
“Xukun,” Zhengting called out softly, rising from his seat to walk over, catching sight of Ziyi, eyes that were telling tails and promising peace, about dragging off the prince, with but a word needed, but all he could do, easing the guard, denying requests, was showing a smile, hands gentle as he placed them on shoulders, slim to his touch, a perfect fit, registered against his will, rubbing away all the rush and stir, trying to brush off whatever had stressed the younger to such extent, stroking and caressing, until he felt trembles subside and breath calm down. “Let’s sit down first and then we can talk, alright?”  
He wondered how it always worked, to just look at the younger with honest eyes, care, warmth, because he only nodded his head, ready to walk into his room, but the older just shook his head, turning the prince around to make him sit outside, on their usual place, inches above the creek, and where the prince still wore his shoes, he could dip his bare feet into the water, watch his toes break the surface, although it hurt a bit, having to sit on hard ground instead of soft cushions, because his hips were sore and his lower back aches, maybe too obvious, because there was a gentle touch to his shoulder, just seconds later, man in black, up close Ziyi really looked better, signing him to move up a bit so he did, feeling a pillow pushed beneath, easing his sitting and rushing blood to his cheeks.  
“Thanks,” he whispered, not missing that amused glint, sure that the guard had caught on with ease, a small smile that he couldn’t watch for long, because a warm hand was placed on his thigh, pleading eyes focused on his face, begging for things he didn’t know, desperate, sad, and so way too close, with images of a past night coming up, images of a face too close and the wrong pair of lips against his, distracting, feelings of guilt, and force was needed to erase them from his mind, find something new, focus on something else, so he did, “What rumors are there about Yanjun and me?”  
As if these words were a bucket of icy water, immediately Xukun’s head became heavy, dropping low, focused somewhere else entirely, and somehow, with some feeling of guts, he would bet it were his feet, watching the water part around his toes as he had done moments ago, until silent words were spoken again, “About marriage… Apparently he went to see his father earlier and a minister came out, cursing at him because he’s being stubborn again, about marrying a whore and ditching a princess and some people heard, it’s currently spreading around like wildfire. That a letter was delivered by Xiaoxiao from here to her family house didn’t help the situation either.”  
Which meant, although it wasn’t said by the younger, that some people had caught on, to his relation to a certain family, or maybe they hadn’t, because he didn’t know, except for that ride with the prince, except for some riding with his sister, he hadn’t left the house and its gardens and for sure hadn’t talked, because no one even looked at him, a stranger in a place so huge, with royal families ignoring him where he ignored them, because he stayed hidden in a house that wasn’t his, because no one bothered to come see a concubine, the toy of a prince they thought had a frozen heart, no one had but Xukun, and now this boy was devastated and broken, looking like a dog kicked out, and memories of words came back, confessions of some sort, admitting to feelings and attraction, and now his heart was broken, a star far behind reach, glowing in the hands of a man he didn’t like, trapped in chains, held down, caged, because what else could it be, with a prince as cold as ice and a heart as vivid as dead rose leaves.  
A heart that was no burning bright, ready to fight, because he could see it, could imagine it, even without a king known and a father seen, he knew what a fight it must have been, how stubborn this love must seem, with icy words said and demands made, about a marriage that shouldn’t be allowed, because he was but a peasant, royal blood that had not been acknowledged, and they all knew, he knew, Yanjun knew, and for sure the king knew too, and this fire, burning strong, wild, bright, it had devoured an innocent hard and wrapped Zhengting’s heart with thorns, looking at eyes so sad, broken, disappointed, and his lips parted for words not to be released, because he was unable to, didn’t know how to soothe this kid, how to offer solace, how to calm him down.  
“Did he force you?” A sudden question, a stern gaze, and thorns dug into his heart, ripped at flesh as he slowly shook his head, because his royal lover would never force him, wasn’t able to, wouldn’t dare to, and eyes only seemed to become unreadable by the second, a whirl of emotions he couldn’t recognize, too many, too fast, it was making him dizzy too easily. “Then why did you agree? Knowing he is like this, why did you agree? Why didn’t you choose me when I can offer you the same? Because I’m not good enough? Because you disregard me the same way my uncle does?”  
A voice that grew louder, more desperate, thorns ripping and tearing, and time froze, a moment halted, because these last words were but broken sobs, because eyes stern had broken again, glassy, watery, with tears wriggling out and running down a beautiful face in single traces, and it shouldn’t be fair, how this prince looked so pretty, even while crying, and maybe this beauty was making it all the harder on him, because he hadn’t wanted it, hadn’t wanted to hurt a heart so pure, naive, just wanting to do well, to get recognition, and all the attention he had given and presented hadn’t been enough, would never be enough.  
“Xukun,” he said gently, leaning forward, hands tender as he cupped his cheeks, brushed away these tears, glistening on his fingertip, a tragic reminder of what he had done, making one happy and breaking another, but just once, this once, he wanted to do it, wanted to go for what he craved, wanted to feel the warmth he never had, “Xukun, look at me, look into my eyes.” Patient, repeating his words, until big eyes were directed at his face, locked, a gentle smile, soothing, as he hoped, and thumbs brushing beneath his lashes, erasing wet traces and wiping away tears, “He didn’t force me, he never would. And it has nothing to do with whether I’m-”  
Words that were broken, ended with a gasp, when he came crashing onto his back, sight blocked, black and glimpses of nude, breath, he wanted to breathe, but all he received was wet and sweet, a tongue brushing against his and he whined, not because he liked it, not because he wanted more, but signals were sent and taken wrong, a kiss that was nothing alike to the last, it wasn’t sweet, tempting, didn’t taste of liquor and love, this was raw, desperate, exploring and exploiting, taking what wasn’t his, and he didn’t find it in him to push this kid away, hands clawing at his own clothes, eyes falling close, thinking about a morning not so far away, of dedication and love and greed and ownership, distracting his mind while letting the younger act, not cruel enough, he couldn’t bear it, pushing it off when water dripped onto his face, one droplet followed by another, and it was this moment he learnt about despair, that it tasted bitter and sad, that it wasn’t satisfying at all, because it was burnt and bland, like sugar gone black, so he didn’t move, didn’t react, until he was able to breathe and inhale air all over again.  
“Sorry, I’m sorry,” the younger hiccuped, whined, sobbed, with shoulders trembling, and finally he moved, unclenched his fingers and reached up, wanted to pull him down, a hug, an embrace, until he had calmed and fallen asleep, but before he could do so, before he could repair the mess he had caused, that little weight was lifted off him, a shadow against the blinding sun, and fire burning in eyes that were supposed to be cold, blazing, hot, and it wasn’t soothing, it wasn’t warming, it was a punishment of being eaten up alive, with flames tearing at clothes and scorching silk to turn it black, and it wasn’t directed at him, it wasn’t his punishment to suffer, it was a realization cold like bathing in winter, in water half frozen and chilling his bones, fire and ice, and he wished he had never seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention I love cliffhangers? Because I sure do
> 
> curse me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) and yell at me in my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting) inbox


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...until all they had was a bottle of liquor and two glasses, and their original topic returned, dark eyes watching beautiful hands pouring another round of drinks, touching glasses, and the questions returned, “Why were you so happy before? You didn’t greet me like this in a while.”

Silence, heavy, weighing, it was uncomfortable, not like an early morning, gentle smile, little pecks, it was loud, thrumming in his ears, feeling deafening without any noise, without words, maybe he could hear breathing, if he listened well enough, but Yanjun breathed silently, stealthily, and if he didn't look up from time to time, not daring to go higher than shoulder limes, he wouldn't even know about a chest heaving and falling, wouldn't know whether it was someone alive or not.   
He had sent the doctor away, the prince on his bed, he had grabbed the little case from a young man, a new one, it wasn't the one to have treated his foot, big eyes, looking like a puppy, trusting, naive, but Zhengting had done nothing but slam his door shut, had closed it, without any word said, greetings exchanged, because he hadn't been in the mood, in the right state of mind, had but needed the tools, and the little sound of surprise, confusion, he had drowned it out, there were other thoughts important, thoughts he needed to focus on, it was a lie, it was but one, thoughts of one person alone, and despite his still aching foot he had rushed, kneeled down, seated in front of his lover, no, fiance, to look at his hands, bloodied, bruised, it pained his heart.   
“You should've gone easy on him,” she whispered finally, silent, too silent, not even knowing whether he had been heard, eyes not raised, afraid, anxious, because it was a gaze he didn't want to see again, fearful, frightening, not because Yanjun was, not because he wouod get hurt, no, but because it hurt, seeing such expression, knowing he was the cause, he never wanted to hurt him again, see him like this again, because it only backfired into his heart.   
“He deserved it,” was but the single reply, three words, enough to hurt, eyes averted from the blood carefully wiped away, revealing burst skin, ripped, torn, always the knuckles, memories of a bloody mouth, punch after punch, each silently taken, no reaction to defense, it had been a sight too pitiful, painful, he wanted to curse him out, had wanted to run in, had wanted to yell at Xukun, to just finally raise his hands, to defend himself, but he had silently taken it, not gasping in pain, stumbling, standing straight again, like a punishment he had silently borne, dealt with, accepted, maybe he had needed it, physical pain to distracting from the aching of a heart, but Zhengting, he had just wanted to stop it, had wanted to run forward, to stop Yanjun, a bloodstained devil, ghost of revenge, if only Ziyi hadn't stopped him, an arm held out, blocking his way, and he had wanted to scream.   
But Ziyi shook his head, denying him, gaze stern, tight, grim, his expression was hurtful to see, as if every punch was taken by him, feeling with a prince he couldn't protect, because that was a matter between men, needed to be resolved, and what right did they have, to get in, to disturb, disrupt, and that guard had understood, unlike him, he couldn't comprehend, until an arm was dropped, his way was free, could run, lunge himself forward, arms wrapping around a body he knew like his own, blocking his limbs, caged, trapped, trembles of anger, jealousy, fury, slowly subsided, and he didn't look, didn't dare look, buried his face at a shoulder strong, because looking at Xukun would've hurt, would've ached, seeing a face only beautiful bloodied and bruised, red traces, smears, swollen, discolored, he didn't want to see those eyes, broken again, because it hurt, ached deep in his heart.   
For a moment he forgot his work, could only remember that moment, these broken eyes, until a hand caressed his head, played with his hair, and he really wondered who needed it more, consolation, soothing, he feared it was him, guilt eating him up, he should've prevented it, should've denied that kiss, never allowed it, but he had, it was his fault, his mistake, he shouldn't have, because it was once too often, one too much, should have drawn lines, should've stopped in time, should've.   
“It's not your fault, my pearl,” words that came from afar, took time to be processed, until lips pressed against his forehead, temple, kissed away his sorrows, soothing, warming, traced his cheeks, his jaw, ghosted along his skin, met his, a kiss, gentle, soft, but he was desperate, despairing, needed the solace, gentle touch, “It wasn't you.”   
Eyes looking up, sad, confused, aching, and words were repeated, words he wanted to believe, words he pushed aside, shook his head, because Zhengting couldn't bear it, couldn't accept words when he knew, he hadn't been right, he hadn't done what was right, but he should know, gently reaching for hands, placing them on knees, so he could go on, erase the traces of his faults, the one that were visible, obvious, wiping away fresh blood, just why didn't it hurt, moving hands like these, with skin torn open, how didn't it hurt, just how his prince could silently take it, deal with this pain, how he managed to bear wounds that could be seen, when he couldn't even deal with the wounds in his heart, hoped that by applying ointment to wounds, maybe it could be applied to his heart, filling holes he had torn, hoped that by bandaging them, wrapping them up, carefully, between fingers, around his palm, he would be able to wrap up his heart, prevent wounds from bleeding, wounds that weren't his, wounds he had caused, wounds that weren't seen, wounds that were his, he hoped and he begged and he prayed.   
He wanted to think it was better, when he was finally done, the numbing ointment on beautiful hands, the silencing effect on his heart, closing lids and storing things away, clearly neatly, careful, in taking care of things that weren't his, a medical kit that wasn't his, clothes that weren't his, because Yanjun's hands were useless, shouldn't be strained, strings and buttons undone, until the prince was unclothed, a habit, sleeping naked, he already knew, pushing the older back, into the sheets, before he followed suit, undressing, putting on light sleepwear, covering his skin as if it were his heart, clothed, hidden, crawling beneath sheets, crawling into arms, an embrace, warmth, solace, it was a realization that came now, that Yanjun was a sanctuary, a safe spot, a place to hide, to protect, guard, a place made only for him, and words that were repeated, again and again, accompanying his dozing off, echoing still in his dreams. 

Standing in front of a door that nearly looked like his, yet it didn’t, his hand raised, he really didn’t dare to knock, would rather go back to the morning, no matter how short, go back to a quick kiss and sweet words and promises to take care, to not overuse hurt hands, and pay attention well, maybe he would like to skip the hours of teaching and studying about things he didn’t know, with a scholar looking like he had just bitten into a sour lemon, Zhengting somewhat suspected it was due rumors, either those of their marriage, something that made him shy just thinking about, or about the fight, because that’s what his sister had said, that a bloodied second prince coming out of this house had attracted attention, no matter how well Ziyi had tried to cover up, said man now standing next to him, had taken him out of Cheng Xiao’s care, lead him around until this very room, giving him time silently, not stressing, not saying anything, but he could feel his intrusive and gentle pair of eyes on him.  
“Was he very upset?” He suddenly asked, instead of knocking once again, lowering his arm, gaze directed to his side to watch the guard, making him feel funny, because most times the man clad in black was just standing in the shades, silently, but something about him was soothing, that gentle smile, soft eyes, how he always seemed to care, he really couldn’t imagine him as fighter, someone merciless enough to kill all these assassins wanting a royal’s head, cut off, dead, it just didn’t fit, so knowing it was true was all the worse, made him not want to think about it, how these hands that treated him so kindly were usually wrapped around weapons, didn’t even want to think about the horrible kind of training routine needed on a daily base, but maybe because of who he was, with a rank possibly rising, he was treated just like this, gently, nicely, way unlike what enemies of this country would suffer.   
There was no reply immediately, only a little sigh, shake of his head, it might not have been a verbal answer but enough of one, because he had managed to sort it out well, Xukun wasn’t feeling well, it shouldn’t even come as surprise, because he hadn’t even looked well, with all the bruises and wounds on his face, not to mention the hurt in his eyes, it was still tugging at his heart to just think of it, lips parting to ask again, another question, but the taller shook his head, denying any further inquiries, maybe leading to a proper response, but instead of such, an explanation, a run down of the previous night, how these two had spent theirs, all while he had treated his lover’s, no, his fiance's hands, he received an apology, confusing, startling, and he didn’t know what for, because Ziyi hadn’t done anything wrong, never had, becoming obvious all too soon, when the door was pushed open and his sight revealed to the inside.  
“...treat it again later,” was the last thing he heard, words suddenly broken, conversation interrupted, but where his ears were focused on the inside, his eyes were still focused on the guard, big, startled, because he felt oddly betrayed by someone who had always treated him well, nearly pouting in childish dislike, but the sudden call, the hesitant saying his name, it distracted him, made him look at the prince instead, looking better, but he still looked horrible, with glistening creams spread on his face, surely to aid the swelling and discoloration, little dark spots of herbal ointments to treat cuts, support healing, disinfect, he knew because he had used the same kinds before, just the previous nights, and before he could even find words to reply a strong hand was placed on his back, pushing him in, doors closed again, and he wondered whether Ziyi had done this for him or his prince, because both might be scared in their own ways, though, Zhengting was scared of the hurt in innocent eyes, the younger maybe just because of his own feelings or another round of beating.  
“Maybe I should leave,” a third person said quietly, two sets of eyes focused on him, and where the prince looked startled, maybe afraid, afraid of being left alone with his one-sided love, the oldest looked sorry, only now realizing the situation, the food on the table, the few medical equipment, slowly it dawned on him, just where he had met this youngster before, looking as adorable as a tiny puppy, the night before, when he had come to treat Yanjun too, except he had ripped the little case out of his hand, now pursing his lips sheepishly as he looked at the new one, shaking his head slowly.  
“No, you should stay, it’s me who interrupted you,” he denied gently, bowing his head lightly before he stepped closer, crouched down next to the prince, analyzing his swollen and bruised face for a moment, hesitating, before he reached forward to gently pat his head, play with his hair, caresses soft and gently, because he didn’t want to hurt him anymore, see the pain in bright eyes, eyes that looked anywhere but at him, as long as he could, before Zhengting grabbed his fine jaw, turning it his way, and it ached, it hurt, because a naive gaze seemed still broken, robbed of their innocence, and it was his fault alone… “Xukun… I think you need to stop growing any more feelings for me… I don’t want you to get hurt because of me again.”  
“Oh!” The little sound from behind his back broke the moment, their gaze, because they both turned towards who he suspected was a doctor-in-learning, eyes even more innocent than those of the prince, as if there would only be sunshine and flowers in anything seen, naive and bright and utterly endearing, “You were the man from yesterday! The one who didn’t let me see the first prince! And who everyone talks about because they never get to see you!” Words that might have been insulting, offensive, but unfortunately, and Zhengting had to agree, they were true, he hadn’t even given that kid a chance to look at Yanjun, just slamming the door shut, now making him feel guilty, but such bright facial expression, with sparkling eyes and all the enthusiasm held, it was utterly impossible to feel upset.  
“Nongnong,” Xukun interrupted him, shifting his weight, as if he wanted to move, to look at his friend, but reconsidering it because of the caress, it was wrong, he shouldn’t feel content, but with another hand on his hand he didn’t want to part, didn’t want to move away and lose the touch, “Don’t bring it up… What people are saying about Zhengting is only said from jealousy, it’s not like they even know him.”  
“Nongnong?” Zhengting repeated, lightly raising his eyebrows as he adjusted his position a bit, still needing to turn his head to look from one to the other, but at least, now that he had turned, half his back wasn’t shown to the unknown one yet, the one who quickly introduced himself, Chen Linong, not even an adult yet, but he was indeed a doctor in training, tending the smaller wounds of the royals, helping out at the medical house, he really fit that image well, with eyes so bright and a smile so light, it must be working better than any pain relief ever could, wished he had seen such expression the night before, when he had seen him at the door, something to take the burden off his shoulders and wash him off his guilt. “Zhengting. The rumored concubine of Yanjun, I guess.” He let laughter follow his own words, hoping the alleviate the heavy mood, not wanting it to get dark, serious, because he just wanted to make this visit quick, had squeezed it in, between needing to study all these new things and having to go to his family.  
“There are many rumors indeed,” the youngest admitted, not in a shy way or cheeky or teasing, he just stated it, with a little smile, as if he was delighted to finally find out truth for himself, to see what others hadn’t been able to. “Many say that you must be quite beautiful to be hidden away like this but others say it’s because the prince is such a rough person that he doesn’t want to show the results of his nights spent with you. But since they never called for us, I was hoping it was rather the first.”   
Disturbing, words were disturbing, even more so said with such bright expression, confusing the oldest for a moment, not knowing how to sort it, align such thoughts in his mind, and he felt pathetic, for just a moment, throwing a helpless glance at Xukun, merely shrugging his shoulders, brushing it off, so he wanted to too, tried to, “No, he’s a very gentle lover, you don’t need to trust such words. It’s me who doesn’t want to go out, not him locking me in.”  
He could see it both, the slight surprise on the doctor’s face, the darkened gaze on the prince’s, neither wanting to agree with him well, and seemed all the funnier, considering one had actually suffered the cruelty of a jealous man, not really supporting his words, proving them right, so he didn’t mention it again, turning his head towards the royal, patting his head one last time before he lowered his hand. “I only wanted to ask you to stop, Xukun. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong ideas or anything… But I think if you want to visit again, we need to set some rules. No more kissing and provoking fights, alright?” Small, his smile was small, and he knew it was but a pitiful image of his usual expression, gentle and bright, but at least it worked, seeing the little nod following, all of a sign he needed and wanted, so he heaved himself up again, brushing down folds in his clothes as he was standing again, turning towards the door, ready to go there, if not for the hand holding on to his wrist, stopping him, with pleading eyes.  
“Are you leaving already?” Such desperately pleading eyes, making him want to stay, biting his lips, watching how the plush pair on a beaten face parted in need, need for attention, for affection, he couldn’t figure it out, just what the prince craved most, whether it were gentle words, little touches, whether it was the role of a brother or a lover, because one was impossible to grant, already taken, to be overwritten by a higher standing soon. “We didn’t even get to talk yet.”  
“I’ll come by tomorrow,” he promised, grabbing a smaller hand, softer, it didn’t hold weapons everyday, didn’t wield swords, didn’t work hard, was softer than his, so much softer than Yanjun’s, it made his heart ache because everything was so soft, this prince was soft, and he had actually hurt him and broken his heart, “But I need to go now. Cheng Xiao’s family… I received a letter from my mother in the morning, they’re waiting for me to have some tea together. I shouldn’t leave them waiting.”  
“So soon?”  
“So soon.”

It was still in his mind even hours later, that it had been so soon, how easily they had all agreed, just a day’s time, and he had known, it was impossible not to know, because people were vain and this man had been drowned in greed, desire for money, influence, power, he couldn’t care, because there had been other things that had been more important, even now as he was mulling over them, poking into a bowl of rice, it must have gone cold already, waiting for his lover, he knew it wasn’t long anymore, he must have been seen already, probably taking his bath, he really hoped the servants helped him wash himself, with the bandaged hands of his, so he wouldn’t need to wrap them again right there, before dinner had started, a dinner that was already served when his company was yet missing.  
Stabbed and stabbed again, until there was finally the familiar noise of the door, immediately jumping up, whipping around, throwing his body into an embrace he craved, hearing the little huff, too much power used, the two of them nearly falling over, but who would care about that, whether they came tumbling down, he’d just have an excuse to cuddle close, with their bodies pressed tight to each other, he smiled, cheerful, pressing his lips against their match, greedily, softly, greeting his lover the way he was taught, felt hands sliding down his frame, his sides, his hips, grabbing his thighs, enough of a hint for him to jump up, cling onto the stronger body like a monkey baby, carried back into their rooms with their lips never parting, door pulled close, they were alone.  
Somehow it was funny, the little time they had spent showing affection, touching and kissing and grabbing and stroking, how it was enough to understand each other so well, the little pat to his legs and he lowered them again, standing on his feet, pressing closer, kiss getting deeper, it was a sweet taste, of fruits and jasmine tea, a taste that felt like home, because he was greeted by it each and every night, whenever he went to the door, trapped the older in his arms, the kiss that had at first been so new and unusual now was a habit, something he looked forward to, until their lungs were burning and their lips bruised, swollen and red, cheeks flushed as he pulled back, licking the glint off his lips, looking into a perfectly amused face, eyes gentle and soft and telling tales of admiration, a touch to his cheek, brushing back his hair, it was supposed to be more gentle but the bandages felt irritating, bothersome, blocked skin from skin and he hated it.  
“You’re so happy today,” Yanjun mumbled gently, pressing a last kiss, a quick one, to his lips, before he grabbed a slender wrist, pulled him to the table, signing to sit down, for dinner, time together, and Zhengting was quick to pour them some tea, followed by some liquor, earning himself some raised eyebrows from the older, not questioning why there were drinks, rather questioning that there were some in first place, after months of never drinking together, now they suddenly would, arising further questions, “Did something good happen?”  
He hummed lowly, agreeing, but not replying as he revealed food to sight, a silent signal for the prince to start eating, before dinner would actually get cold, all work gone to waste, not to mention he was hungry, after a day of running around, rather, visiting more places than he was used to, talking to more people than he knew, because he had stayed alone for too long, even when he had achieved this freedom he denied, not going out when he could, rather staying inside, he was aware it would change soon, too soon, because it all happened too soon, and he should feel nervous, scared, but it was all the opposite, making his heart flutter and whirlwinds of butterflies sit in his stomach.  
They were a few bites into their dinner, silently, with fingers touching in the middle of the table, with small smiles and gentle eyes, grinning whenever their gazes met, lowering their heads again, but his earlier reaction had not yet satisfied the prince, another question following, inquisitive, “I heard you visited Kunkun today. Is that why you’re so happy?”  
Slowly he shook his head in denial, taking a sip from the alcohol, his eyes glinting as he watched his lover, saw the little grin go further, didn’t need no words to know what was going on, that there was amusement due to his own growth, because he had been so timid at first, so different now, wouldn’t have dared joking with his eyes back then, now he did, looked at the royal with playfulness, lowering his cup to finally reply, “No, not because of that. He didn’t really look good… You call him Kunkun?”  
“In private. In my thoughts,” the older admitted, looking thoughtful for a moment, considering to tell or not, and he did tell, distracted himself, telling about old stories, when they had still been close, before the serious life of adulthood had come upon them, little stories and snippets, lasting long enough for them to finish their meal without realizing, until all they had was a bottle of liquor and two glasses, and their original topic returned, dark eyes watching beautiful hands pouring another round of drinks, touching glasses, and the questions returned, “Why were you so happy before? You didn’t greet me like this in a while.”  
Again, Zhengting only hummed, downing his drink before he moved over, crawling around the table, with cheeks already flushed, eyes slightly dazed, too little practice in drinking but all the more affectionate, as he climbed onto his lover’s lap, arms resting on strong shoulders, a quick kiss, another, then he finally parted his lips to talk, “I wasn’t happy before you showed up. I was still upset but then you came and I felt too excited to tell you good news.” Pursing his lips, watching how eyebrows were raised, quizzical, serious, feeling how arms wrapped around him, picked him up, liquor and dishes left behind, walking past curtains, a new part of his room, bed, felt the soft mattress beneath his body when lowered onto his back. “We’ll get married soon.”  
Quick reactions, emotions fleeting, from surprise to joy to love, lips pressing against his, slowly, gentle, long, until they both longed for air, needing to let go of the older when he sat up, looking down at him, and where their eyes were locked, never looking away from their opposite faces, hands were busy, careful, undoing clothes, less layers covering the prince, all pushed down shoulders and landing on the floor, his own spread along his sides, not yet pulling out of sleeves, looking like beautiful adornments to his bed, until he felt air hitting his bare chest.  
“We’re getting married?” Yanjun repeated, unbelieving, stunned, and the younger rolled around in bed, peeled himself out of his clothes, kicked off his pants and was only dressed in undergarments, crawling beneath the blankets, watched how the prince carelessly pushed away the now unneeded sets of silk, least behaving like a royal spoiled by servants, more like a husband, his husband, and he grinned into his pillows like a small girl in love, watching her first love, currently stripping of his remaining clothes, lower garments, until he was entirely naked, sliding beneath the blankets as well, limbs soon entangled, bodies close, tight. “So your stepfather agreed to adopting you?”  
Slow kiss, another, a content grin, a little smile, but then he remembered their talk and a low sigh escaped the concubine’s mouth, pulling back his head to soon bury it against a warm chest, nuzzling close, wanting comfort and solace and affection alone, fingers soon crawling his head, calming him, soothing, no need for words, for explanations, but the calming came soon, “People like them - like us - they will all be like this… He sees an opportunity like this and makes use of it and sometimes it will make us feel worthless because we’re nothing more than a tool in their eyes. Sometimes you need to turn it around and make them their tool too. Didn’t you ask him to accept you into their family just so you can marry me?”  
“Did,” he admitted silently, closing his eyes, pressing closer, until he was sure he could fold into his love, melt into Yanjun, because that was all he wanted, all he craved, to become one, with their words and thoughts, with their bodies and hearts, and with every passing day they reached closer to such result, humming, smiling, “We’re getting married…”  
“We are.” And he could hear the contentment in a low voice, silent, felt lips against his forehead, a little kiss, making him feel satisfied, well kept, warmed his heart and eased his mind, heard these two words once again, accompanying his dozing off, slipping reality, into dreams of love and touches and caresses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Admittedly, I don't like this chapter too much, but I mentioned all I needed and I didn't know how to do better...  
> please don't be disappointed too much
> 
> updates on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) or bother me on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...but in moments like these, when they took a bath together, when no one could interrupt them, with wards guarding the doors outside, making sure they were alone, when they woke up next to each other, after dinner between the three of them, after sharing a bed with only his love, it seemed almost perfect, as if nothing could interrupt them at all or ever. “So you like her? Do I need to be worried about my pearl being snatched away?”

Early mornings, Zhengting grew to appreciate them more and more, didn’t even mind how he was always awake first, merely because it meant he was allowed to look at his love again, smiling softly as he played with soft black strands, a habit of mornings like these, with both of them still dazed from sleep, and it was like every other morning too, involved Yanjun slowly waking up, pulling him close, until they were a tangled mess beneath the cover of a blanket.  
“You do know that you look beautiful every morning, my pearl,” the older started, brushing back strands of hair to see the face in front of him better, playing with them, pressing kisses to forehead and temples, all gentle and all soft because mornings like these were supposed to be soft, mornings after falling asleep to beautiful news, “but will you tell me why you got that worried look on your face?”  
Words that were emphasized as a thumb brushed against skin between his eyebrows, smoothing out wrinkles, it made him feel guilty, eyes looking at his lover right in front, pursing his lips lightly, waiting for a kiss that was soon to come, was all soft and gentle, didn’t last long because his thoughts were exposed with ease, “Is it about that talk with your family yesterday?”  
It should make him feel uncomfortable, how easily his mind was read, his worries figured out, but somehow it was easing, to know that he didn’t even need to bring it up on his own, so he just sighed, slipped a bit further beneath the blanket, now able to hide his face at a warm and broad chest, inhaling the sweet scent of water lilies, it always lingered for long, a scent so unbearable unique to his lover, surrounding him while taking baths, as if to always remind him of the person he was supposed to think about, and the thing was, it actually worked, because with that scent surrounding him, he would never be able to forget about the prince, and it wasn’t even that he wanted to, too happy like this, within that warming embrace, finding solace about worries that shouldn’t even matter but mattered too much.  
“I should’ve comforted you better last night, my pearl,” the older muttered, pressing small kisses to the crown of a head, playing with hair gently, caressing where his lips couldn’t reach, all gentle and loving, all of the opposite of what people wanted to make of him, “I’m sorry. For someone who isn’t used to a world like this it might be difficult to understand and hard to handle. I’m sorry for making you go through this.”  
Not yet able to talk, looking for the right words, all Zhengting could do was shake his head, thoughts playing ping pong in his mind, pushed from one side to the other, slapped around, trying to form the right words about a topic like this, topic he guessed could be considered sensitive, but to him, who had seen too much already, he guessed it wasn’t all that sensitive, he should be used to it, the exploit of information, had heard all these stories about it, had seen generals laugh about it while downing drinks, had seen rich kids grin triumphantly, discussing how they had tricked people again, what tricks their fathers had used, but between observing and being involved, he figured, there was a difference, had always been the difference, although he had realized it before already, between seeing people getting intimate with each other and experiencing it himself, but he had realized and forgotten right after again.  
“You tried your best,” he whispered finally, he was sure of that, his prince was gentle, soft, truly the fabric of fairy tales, but to someone who always kept a tough front, who showed his pokerface, glared at strangers, it might be difficult, soothing people, offering solace, but he didn’t mind, because the effort was what meant enough to him, made him smile, planted little kisses to warm skin, before he hid his face again, closed his eyes. “It was me who agreed to it. I knew about what would happen. I already knew before going there.”  
A little hum, that was all of a response he received at first, making him ease more into the comfort of strong arms, was sure he would be able to doze off again, within the safety of this place, a place, a person, that was home to him, that was all he needed, all he wanted, making him sigh in content. “Do you want to talk about it? You met your mother for the first time since a long time, didn’t you?”  
“I did.” It was enough to make the younger surface again, looking at the prince with thoughtful eyes, didn’t protest the rolling around, now half lying on his lover who was on his back, resting his chin on firm muscles, drawing little patterns on smooth skin. “She looks beautiful… You wouldn’t suspect she’s the mother of two at all. Cheng Xiao definitely inherited her looks, too.”  
“You’re also beautiful,” Yanjun interrupted with ease, content with the little smile that showed up too soon, digits driving through silky strands, down to perfectly sculpted cheeks, couldn’t resist to sliding his thumb across plush lips, such as parted immediately, sucking on the fingertip for a moment, teeth gnawing on it like a little kitten, a puppy that was toothing, he just silently dealt with it for a while, only until he broke silence again, “What about your stepfather?”  
“He’s…” Lightly the concubine frowned, trying to find the fitting words to describe such man, a man of whom he held no memories from his earliest childhood friend, a man who had disregarded his mother’s pleading, had never adopted him, a man who had kicked out his own daughter, merely for she wasn’t able to give life to a child, a man who was all that, a man who was weak to the temptation of power and influence, a man who looked exactly like someone who would do all these things, intimidating, serious, it wasn’t necessarily someone he wanted to call his father, and maybe his face had spoken about all that, because eyes portrayed all the emotions, the ones that couldn’t be released by the tongue, enough to lead to more caresses of his face, showing affection in the simplest of ways.  
“You won’t need to see him again after the marriage. Then you’ll be part of my family, not his. And in a few years he’ll need to transfer you the position of the family head, then no one can bother you anymore.” And it sounded so easy, as nothing could come in between them, if only it was always that easy, making him swoon, even in his lying position, smiling softly, because there was something about these words said, so easy, untouchable, as if nothing could harm him if only he was with Yanjun, stayed with him.  
“Then we’ll be our own family,” he corrected with a little smile, a family that was home, a family he had never had, a family he now wanted to have, with his soon-to-be husband, with his sister, in this house that was theirs, as long as he could wake up next to the future king in the morning, admire his face and beauty, spend his evenings falling asleep guarded by warm arms, wrapped around his body, that was all he wanted.

Without noticing, one week passed, another, and slowly his life seemed to return to normal, or what he believed to be normal, ever since that one spring day, with cherry blossoms blooming, cherry blossoms that had long since withered and fallen, a summer so blissful, so slow, so relaxed, consisting of afternoons at the creek, evenings with his love, slowly leaves had turned golden and red, the shades of fire, intense and bright, were falling from trees with the slightest breeze, and with trees preparing for winter he was preparing for one fateful day.  
Noon had barely passed, with the small lunch after his schooling, the kind of teaching that had turned from basics to palace manners lately, preparing him for a wedding that was soon to become, with fabrics he had been ushered to choose for his clothings, all white and gold, all innocent and soft, with a family seal hung up on his bed, dangling between curtains, he had received it shortly after the agreement to his adoption, sign of his officially belonging to that family now, the heir to their name, at times he looked at it, wondered how it would have turned out if only he had received it upon being born, whether he would have met Yanjun, would have found his love, how it all would have played out, and always he decided it was better as it was now, because he had learned things on his own, had experienced different things, it made it easier to treat it all so humbly, to regard it as gift, a gift from above, a gift only for him.  
The rustling of leaves, of feet stepping onto the crumbled pieces of nature, attracted his attention, considering the time, it could only be one person, with their relationship finally having evolved to the better, no more incidents, back to peaceful afternoons of the beginning, of sitting outside, talking, about this, about that, with a name on his tongue as he turned around, “Xukun, didn’t I tell you to-”  
His words got stuck in his throat, faced with a woman instead of the prince, all too different, a woman he hadn’t seen before, he was quite sure so, hadn’t even seen her around the palace on his few strolls, more daring with his changed status, with his name more known, the fiance of a prince to be king, but not this woman, dressed in clothes he hadn’t seen before, unlike what he knew of this country, still elegant, still royal, so there was only one solution to that riddle in his mind. “You’re-”  
“You’re really as beautiful as rumors say,” the stranger interrupted him, with her smile bright, a charisma similar to the one he experienced every evening, every night, the kind of aura he wasn’t able to escape, making him bite his lips, waiting for more words to follow, “I can see why he’d rather choose you than me. You’re charming.”  
A little noise of recognition escaped him, words making all the more obvious of who she was, the woman to become Yanjun’s first wife, pang of jealousy in his chest, but he wasn’t able to keep it, seeing her bright smile, eyes void of all malice, with only curiosity and gentleness displayed, it was too easy to like her already, although he knew, without even asking, without needing to see, that she could be dangerous, that she was the same as his love, vicious, cold, that it was her decision to show him such side of hers, and it reassured him all the more, eased his mind. “I didn’t know rumors can reach this far…”  
Her laughter was bright, addictive, just like the one he heard every night, made him smile gently, he couldn’t help it, waiting until she calmed down, shaking her head, “They do. At least with special cases like these. I’m sorry for coming here without former notice, my father wanted me to attend the wedding and to get on good terms before the peace treaty between our countries is ensured too.”  
“Does Yanjun know you’re here?” Zhengting asked curiously, lightly tilting his head aside, before he remembered better, that they were still out, standing around in the gardens, muttering a silent apology as he signed her to follow, leading to the small pavilion he liked so much, whatever servant had been watching them, waiting for them to settle down, they were quick to work, with tea served within seconds, needing the smallest of words from him, a little ask for small treats, to ease the princess after her long journey.  
“Not yet,” she answered as she took a seat, not looking like a princess at all, unlike the women he had seen before, nobles sitting all neat and proper, she made herself comfortable, the very same way his sister would, telling tales of how she wasn’t some kind of fragile lady, innocent, gentle, no, she had a certain feel of strength to her, fascinating indeed. “I think we caught up to the messenger quite well. I also didn’t look for him yet, I was more curious about you since you’re the one I don’t know yet.”  
He couldn’t help but smile, she had charme, made it impossible for him to dislike her, entirely, but it made him uncomfortable still, this woman he couldn’t assess just yet, a new surprise, he always seemed to get surprised, one new thing thrown at him after another, didn’t seem to be evil, rude, but it was a change of situation, he knew, because there would be someone new in this house altogether, someone he didn’t know, someone he’d need to know, because in a few weeks time, just some while after his own wedding, they’d both be part of the same family, it was unsettling, made him nervous, to know he couldn’t enjoy his time of newly weds all alone, all quiet, so his smile, unknowingly, turned into a pout.  
“Zhengting!” A call suddenly interrupted them, startling him out of his thoughts, and he had to give it to the princess, for not calling him out on his reveries, how he had just spaced out, drifted into his own world, drowned in his own thoughts, but only silently observed it, sipping on her cup of tea, it only made her more sympathetic, made him feel bad for even scorning her attendance.  
Arms wrapped around his frame with ease, with a sense of natural right Yanjun for sure wouldn’t enjoy, clinging to his frame as big eyes looked at the stranger, assessed her, and right the next moment Xukun was sitting up straight, bowing his head politely, lips pursed as he realized his mistake, how he had misbehaved, maybe given away the wrong kind of first impression, but whatever thoughts the lady had about such situation, with someone hugging the man she had her lost her position as queen to, even though Zhengting himself wasn’t too sure of his own title now, for sure he wasn’t a queen, wasn’t a king either, didn’t know what he would be called, it wasn’t a first, if he believed into what his lover had said, that a king would marry a man first, but it happened seldomly, was the reason why it wasn’t forbidden, on a beautiful face no reaction was noted, only slightly raised eyebrows, parts of her face still hidden behind her cup.  
“You must be the princess betrothed to my cousin,” the youngest slowly started, careful, as if he suddenly was aware of his position again, his role within this country, knew to behave better than an excited child, “It’s my honor to meet you. Did someone already notify Yanjun of your arrival?”  
Silently she shook her head, showing that charming smile again, and Zhengting had to wonder, what kind of power she hold, what control over others, because even the younger seemed to ease down, comforted by that smile, made him wonder, whether he also saw some of the crown prince in that woman, that gentle side he must not have seen for years, whether it was all that easy actually, but he didn’t question it, only silently observed, their interactions, talkings, topics he couldn’t understand, could only sip on his tea, watch the leaves still falling, noises drowning out slowly, drowning in his own mind slowly.

“She’s like you, you know? Jinna, I mean,” he mentioned some days later, comfortably seated between Yanjun’s legs, sweet scent of water lilies, calming warmth of hot water, tilting his head back against a strong shoulder, his eyes observing the beautiful features of his fiance, features that seemed to become more attractive by the day, as if the approaching day of their wedding made him glow inside out, appealing and attracting, he just wanted to watch him for eternity, wanted to stay like this for eternity, with heavy hands locked and resting on his stomach, his own playing with the water surface, with the fallen leaves in red and gold that had been carried in by the wind, adorned the water, made it seem more beautiful. “You resemble each other.”  
“Do we?” Easily came in return, little smile on plump lips, looking inviting, so he pursed his own slightly, immediately receiving what he craved, getting the gentle and soft peck he had asked for, with eyes meeting, making him feel content with the moment, the house seemed to have become more busy lately, but in moments like these, when they took a bath together, when no one could interrupt them, with wards guarding the doors outside, making sure they were alone, when they woke up next to each other, after dinner between the three of them, after sharing a bed with only his love, it seemed almost perfect, as if nothing could interrupt them at all or ever. “So you like her? Do I need to be worried about my pearl being snatched away?”  
It was a teasing question, as if they both knew it was impossible, that nothing could ever part them, no way, and maybe it was because they liked to emphasize just that, because Yanjun had done exactly that for several evenings now, ever since the princess had arrived, with her personal guard of three, sweet nothings every night, that Zhengting would remain the only one, the sole person he loved, that he would never part from him, never disappear, never leave him behind, and he knew it was the truth, that his royal lover would never lie, that, even if there was someone else, even if there were many other people in their lives, there would only be one in their heart.  
“I love only you,” he thus said with ease, turning around in the embrace, repositioning, taking a seat on strong thighs, his knees brushing against hips, smiling softly, pampering a beautiful face with little kisses, travelling down, licking away little drops of water, ghosting skin with his lips, teasingly nibbling on flesh, all just signs of affection, not leaving marks, before he rested his head on a shoulder so strong again, a perfect fit, a perfect rest, a perfect spot for him alone. “How could she snatch me away? I only am interested in you.”  
“Even if she’s similar to me?” The older asked, with hands caressing the small of a back, tracing his spine, all gentle, all soft, as if it was glass, breaking apart if handled too rough, like a flower, falling into petals if not treated with care, all gentle and soft, all dominating and protective, made him feel at ease, made him feel at home.  
“Even if she’s similar to you,” Zhengting agreed, closing his eyes as he allowed himself to be lulled in, dozing off a bit, with caresses and tenderness, the little display of affection, with his body pulled close and a face nuzzled against the crook of his neck, making him smile against moist skin before he pulled back, parted, stepped into the deeper parts of the spring, signed his prince to follow, and he did, because they both always followed, would go wherever the other asked, and maybe Yanjun had hoped for love, for gentleness, affection, but instead his leg was kicked away, hands on his shoulders meaning to submerge him, but the younger should have known better, should have known not to tease a fighter, was the one pushed beneath water within a moment, all for a moment, never forceful, pulled close immediately again.  
“You’re playful today,” the older pointed out, feeling limbs wrap themselves around him, feeling his former concubine turn into a little monkey baby, weight increased and lightened all at the same time, depending on where the water ended on their bodies, smirking, watched how eyes widened, just a second before they were both underwater, eyes that were still wide open, searched for his within the dark of the water, the lights from outside hardly breaking the surface, making him grin, a kiss, gentle, slow, not lasting too long with water in their mouths and no air in their lungs, emerging again with their lips still touching, a kiss so sweet, a kiss so slow, neither of them wanted it to end.  
“You’re also playful tonight,” the younger whispered into the kiss still, just before he could feel them falling again, a small screech, yell of joy, being all he could release before he hit the water again, this time not breaching the face, merely feeling droplets splashing into his face, saw a charming grin and endearing dimples, made him laugh softly before he moved closer, clinging to a strong body again, felt his own lifted up, carried around, until they were back to their original spot, with the younger still straddling his lap, snuggled up and close, laughter still on their lips, tugging up the corners of mouths, truly, it was a moment so utterly perfect, an evening utterly filled with love, and Zhengting never wanted it to end.  
An evening filled with low hums, with sweet nothings, with gentle kisses, short and soft, until it was impatience that painted their actions, with their mouths lingering a second too long, bites a bit too hard, touches a bit too demanding, until it was the older to lose his patience eventually, little curses, grunts, lifting the younger out of the water, walking to the walls, but there was no endurance to deal with clothes, was but some fabric wrapped around their stuck together bodies, covering up their bare state, enough to make the short way over to one of their bedrooms.  
Close to the door, so close, but with self-control lacking, if he thought about it, he wasn’t even sure when he had last spent a night with his prince like this, because cuddles and soft kisses were also enough, until their greed was awakened, greed enough to make it too hard for him to part his lips from a warm neck, gently biting skin, kissing, sucking, could already see the lights from his room from the corner of his eyes, sighing in content, with hands ready to pull open the doors, one hand as more than enough to keep their covering fabric in place, but it was something entirely different to interrupt them.  
The sound of a shuffling steps, a stifled laughter, his head immediately snapped around, faced with the amused visage of Jinna, leaning out of her room, with a grin on her lips, amusement, as if she had just been told a joke, it made her all the more likable, he thought, because she never judged, never took offense, even when seeing her future husband with another man, she didn’t protest, didn’t complain, she just smiled at them, as if the sight of their love was endearing to her, as if she enjoyed seeing it, and somehow he thought she did, and maybe for that reason, how she accepted it so easily, how she was kind to the both of them, would always just smile, tell them to not feel disturbed by her, he could so easily accept her around, could see her as sister, of some sort.  
“Enjoy your night,” she said this time again, before she left her room behind, left them behind, disappearing in the dark, left him looking after her, until there was a rough bite, teeth digging into his shoulder, making him squeal in surprise, faced with the amused expression of his prince, sparkles in his eyes, dimples on his cheeks, looking charming, beautiful, making him smile too, “I thought you wouldn’t get snatched, my pearl.”  
“Am not,” Zhengting protested immediately, pouting, a pout that was soon kissed away, a kiss that was soon turned into joint laughter, breathless chuckle with their lips ghosting their match, laughter that filled the confinement of his room, with a door finally falling close behind them, with fabric dropped, with steps carrying them to the bed, falling down together, lips crashing, bodies pushing, pressing closer, and laughter was soon replaced by other noises, by confessions of love, by skin against skin, by breathless moans and little screams, by demands for more, by smiles, by laughter, and as he looked up, looked at the sweaty face of his love, looked at orbs burning bright, reflecting red and gold, reflecting the color of curtains and candle flames, looked at glistening skin, with marks of his touches hidden from inquisitive eyes, at lips swollen and bruised, from kisses too long, too rough, too greedy, he really thought that this was perfect, that his life had become perfect, that it couldn’t be any better.  
Trembling hands, parting from heated skin, reaching for chiseled cheeks, cupping a beautiful face, eyes looking up, with all the love and endearment his small heart could hold, body yearning for more, for touches and caresses of love, for marks of ownership and belonging, skin burning with every touch, marking invisible lines of fingers brushing against his flesh, they accompanied his little whisper, the little confession in the middle of heat and greed and desire, the only words that mattered at a moment like this, “I love you, Yanjun. I love you with all of myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fast update, sweet update and I'm getting closer to the end too so I hope y'all are prepared for this to be over and done with soon  
> Also, including Jinna is my way of paying tribute to her debut (and because she's Yanjun's twin, we all been knew)
> 
> meet my rambles on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) and send me suggestions for works following this one on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And maybe, just maybe, he thought of that nightingale as lucky charm, a bird he had inked into his skin for naive reasons, yearning for love, for freedom, to spread his wings and fly away, he had received all that, he had received love, between family and friends, had received a love consuming him entirely, like fire swallowing houses and fields, like the sun brightening the day, a love that was all that and so much more, ...

Red and gold, memories of nights spent with oppressing heat, intense greed, desire, with kisses burning hot, memories of nights so warm, offering safety, an embrace so tight, an embrace that was home, but now it wasn’t colors of his room, with red silk hanging from the walls, around his bed, parting different areas from his room, offering privacy, with the bright gold of candle flames, of adornments and accessories, dropped on the ground where he would usually hastily undress, laying on shelves, waiting for him to put on, red and gold, they had turned into his everyday colors, into something surrounding him, feeling like home.  
It was a striking contrast, between his room and Yanjun’s, between Yanjun’s and Jinna’s, the former he was familiar with, the latter he had only seen on rare occasions, but the room of his betrothed, it was calming, reassuring, with deep blue hues, with weapons hung up on walls, leather and metal caught on glimpses, personally, he thought it wasn’t entirely normal, to have armors all neatly aligned, properly hung up, unlike his own room, where the clothing for court was hung up, beautiful garments, as if to show off, but it fit his prince, the blue, the armors, the weapons, the smell of iron and leather, it had an impression so cold, of a man ready to strike down whoever was daring to oppose him, except to him it felt like home, the scent of metal and sweat, mixed with the intensity of water lilies, it was the same as was his lover, it was spicy and sweet, cold and soothing, it was the color of ice and the color of the sky, it was making him freeze and feeling free, because it was like the man he loved, stern and stoic but gentle and kind, was like leather that was stiff but soft, was like weapons that hurt the hated and protected beloved.  
In Yanjun’s room he felt at peace, felt at ease, those rare evenings they weren’t at his, when it was a particularly late night, it had become a habit, that instead of waiting in his own room he was already seated in a blue bed, hugging pillows instead of another frame, with some last candles burning, until the royal arrived, with the scent of water lilies, with his body bare, skin revealed as was his heart, unveiled to but one person only, sliding beneath the blankets to have their bodies mold into a mess of limbs, with hearts beating as one, in perfect sync, it was the moment he loved most every day, when they were finally together again, united with a loving kiss, gentle and slow, deep and sensual, the interlude of a perfect night.  
Jinna’s room, as he had found out, was in warm orange, bright yellow, and glistening gold, it was consoling, bringing up the mood, just like that woman did, but just like the sun, staring these same colors, it could also be dangerous, flaring high, burning hot, scalding skin, and he had seen such intensity, when he had observed her once, watching her train with her guards, fluid movements and unbearable strength, he had asked his sister for advice too, to rank these abilities, too fast, too strong, the future wife of his betrothed was on a level of her own, so to never get on her bad side, that was what he hoped.  
But it was funny, with each their rooms being unique, with each their characters being unique, they still worked so well, as had been proven repeatedly, during these shared dinner every other day, with characters alike, with humor equally cold, the royals sure were a pair, could’ve passed as siblings, as twins, so to him it was easier, to love one, love both, in different ways, because Yanjun was the one he desired, but Jinna, she was like an older sister, made him feel safe, was company just right, on these afternoons they spent in tow, without any tension, without any feud.  
Or, mostly without any feud, as he realized after some time, whenever Xukun and Jinna met, met because of him, met because both tended to spent their afternoons with him, afternoons filled with laughter and joy, until these two met, and he could only observe, how Jinna observed the prince with doubt, how Xukun observed the princess with spite, but he never pried, just kept his lips locked tight, tried to lighten the mood, and he thought it was merely for him, for his sake, to soothe him, that they never had a go at it, never picked a fight, tried to laugh for him, smile for him, because, in the end, that was the ability he held, without even knowing so, without abusing it, he made people cool down, keep their calm, because no one wanted this specific noble to cry, be upset.  
That he was a noble now, it was still all too new to him, going from a bastard, working in a brothel, a servant, despite his heritage, to a concubine, a supposed toy, a doll held by gentle hands, from a lover, treasured, kept warm in an embrace, to a noble, adopted by a man who hated him, with a talisman hanging from his bed, and eventually, in but a few hours, with his heart beating fast, he would be a royal, would be a married man, would be the one for his love, the first, not the last, but he would always remain the first.  
Now these colors, the ones that were his everyday love, these bright and warming colors, intense and arousing emotions, they were on his body, hugging his frame, accentuating his every curve, the fine lines of his body, a broad belt hugging the slender of his waist, freely flowing silk, testingly he turned around, like a child, wanting to see layers of clothing flutter with the spin, he felt expensive, worth much, he felt his heart beat fast, he felt beautiful, worthy to be adored, and he wanted to be just that, wanted to be adored, wanted to be worthy, of love, of it all, of this marriage that was to ensue.  
“You look beautiful like this, pretty,” a voice suddenly said, making him turn his head, looking at the woman clad in flames, in yellow and orange and adorned with gold like his, with dangly earrings and thick bracelets, the same charm hanging down belts, similar hair ornaments, it made him smile appreciatively, because they were so different and yet the same, it made him feel some sense of accomplishment, some sort of bond, made him feel as if they were all that close. “Are you ready yet?”  
A deep breath, a slow shake of his head, because he wasn’t ready, couldn’t be ready, yet he couldn’t await it all at the same time, wanted the end of it to come, the moment they were alone, when they could be close, could enjoy a new stage in their life, and he yearned for that, but prying gazes, sly hands, they intimidated him, made him nervous, in a world that was all that new when it shouldn’t be, a world that never had been supposed to be his and now would be, a world that was all that but never something he had thought was made for him.  
“You don’t need to worry, pretty,” Jinna reassured with a smile, went over, closer, her arm wrapping around his waist as she lead him forward, towards the door, and it was funny, how she was smaller than him, seemed more delicate, with her slim figure and pretty smile, but right that moment she was his greatest support, steadied him, like a pillar to lean against, “Because you love him. So it will all go well.”

Slender band of gold, it was glistening on his finger, right beneath the red knot of silk tied around his digit, a tradition, he had been told, to symbolize the red string of fate, connecting the two of them, because it was a marriage of love, along with that ring, sparkling ruby embedded in the middle of it, shining red like the curtains surrounding them, sparkling bright like the smile on his lips, never fading, even though he was breathing heavily, exhausted still from making love, bodies moving against each other for what had felt like hours and more, and if not for his physical exhaustion, he would love to have a go at it again.  
“You like it that much?” The older asked gently, reaching up with one hand to meet its match, their red ribbons a striking contrast to skin tone, golden and white, it made him smile even brighter, nodding eagerly, because he loved it, loved the sight of it, loved seeing the same piece of jewelry on both their hands, proof of their bond, proof of the words they had spoken just hours ago, promises of years to be spent together, in days spent well and worse, in days of health and sickness, of good and bad, of peace and fight, of fortune and poverty, sticking together in anger and frustration and jealousy, staying with each other in laughter and joy and bliss.  
“Like it as much as I love you,” he agreed after some seconds of just staring, looking at metal meddling with silk meddling with skin, all that beautiful, all that ethereal, all that enchanting and bewitching and fascinating, and he wished he could look at it for eternity, forever, but a sight way more beautiful caught his eyes, looking at Yanjun, at golden skin glistening with sweat, looking like a deity taking human shape, and such deity was all his now, had promised to be, had proven he would, with countless marks adorning his skin again, with bloody red streaks on a strong back, and if only possible, his smile grew even brighter, leaning in for yet another kiss.  
A kiss that turned to last longer, deeper, until a slender frame was pressed against a sturdy one all over again, with limbs tangling again, digits driving into hair, tugging and pulling, and greed awoke within him all over again, pressing closer, drawing closer, until little mewls escaped his lips and into the kiss, little mewls that aroused a chuckle, amusement obvious, but instead of the embrace tightening he was released, receiving a little shake of a head in response.  
“You might love me a lot, my pearl,” Yanjun slowly started, with his hand sliding forward to cup a chiseled cheek, caress it, driving his thumb across shiny and swollen lips, smooth to the touch, a bright red after hours of kissing and marking and kissing all over again, hours of proving love and declaring ownership, hours of all this and all that and hours that could never be forgotten because it had been the first hours of them being a married couple for real, the first hours of their engagement, the first night, feeling like their first time, intense all over again, “But I have my limits too. You need to give me a break to catch up first. Or do you not think they have enough proof in the morning?”  
“Idiot,” the younger immediately called out, slapping a toned arm, muscles that had recently grown more defined, thicker, and he would lie, would definitely lie, if only he said he didn’t enjoy it, that he hadn’t felt fascinated, surrounding them with his digits, feeling them up, just as he did now, as if he wanted to soothe the skin he had previously mistreated, but there was a knowing glint in burning eyes, a glint of knowledge, a glint that told about having seen through him and his ambitions, “Didn’t you promise to make love to me all night long? Yet it’s you to ask for a break?”  
One thing, though, he had to agree on, how there was definitely more than enough proof of this nightly contraction of marriage, with sheets sullied and blankets messed up, his body, more so, telling tales of it all, it was dirty, filthy, and he was sure he shouldn’t enjoy it as much, but he did, he had, yet he wondered, whether they would actually check, whether they were going to look for proof, as was supposed to be tradition, but he was not a woman of noble standing, he had not been a virgin to leave marks, they had spent nights like this, several like these, already before, and none of them had left him craving for anything more.  
Despite the exhaustion, though, he couldn’t stop smiling, moved along when Yanjun rolled onto his back, with his head resting on a still heaving chest, eyes scanning the red of the curtains drawn close around his bed, erasing the outside world entirely, so it would be only them, only their love, only their words, only their gazes meeting and fingers entwining, scanning for the two golden amulets, hanging down between the red of silk, one carrying the symbol of his family, still, the proof of his adoption, that he was the heir to his clan, the future head of their house, and another, of the royal family, the dragon swirling in a circle, a gift on their marriage, carrying ruby eyes, rubies as red as his ring, because red was the color he had received, red was the color he was to carry, red was the color of his blood and his heart and the ribbon tied around their rings.  
“I’m really yours now,” he whispered, softly, slowly, starting to plant little kisses against still heated skin, biting teasingly, until he felt the low rumble of laughter vibrate against his lips, making him look up, look at a beautiful face looking all the more beautiful, making him wonder about rumors he had once heard, about women becoming more beautiful when falling in love, whether there was a reversal of that, in which the one who was loved was becoming more and more ethereal by the second, because every day he looked at Yanjun anew, every evening they met, whenever he directed his gaze at such visage, he felt his heart beat faster, more intense, was sure these feelings he held were only growing by the second, because he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, all there was for him was his prince, his lover, his man.  
“Didn’t I declare you’re mine the first day I touched your face?” The older asked, pushing himself up onto his elbows, looking down at the beauty resting on his chest, looking and waiting, until their gazes met, flush building on pale cheeks again, faint, hardly notable, but with ears glowing, bright red, and he didn’t hesitate for any second more, grabbing the taller to throw him around, so he was on top again, whispering against the bloodshot organ, “I wanted to make you mine since that day I saw you on the streets. I called you mine on that day and showed it to the whole world during our first night. So do you really want to anger me by saying you’re mine only now?”  
Words that were low, threatening even, they sent shivers down Zhengting’s spine, and he knew, he was so very aware of it, that anyone else would feel intimidated, scared, because they didn’t have his kind of trust, faith, a love rooted so deep it was impossible to be dug out, so he only smiled, tried to ignore his reactions, how hot whispers against his ear, his way too sensitive spot, weak spot, was making his body respond, giving away how he felt, with his breath hitching, his heart thumping fast. “I’ve… been yours since that first night,” he whispered, closing his eyes, his back arching when teeth dug into his lobe, tugging at it, making him moan.  
“And do you think I’m yours?” Another question, a question that wasn’t a question, that was a demand, an order to have the right answer prepared, to reply in the way desired, and the younger knew, wrapped his arms around strong shoulders, his legs around thighs, trying to get more proximity, except he was so easily held at bay, kept in check, so he could only pout, pout as he looked up at that amused expression shown.  
“Ever since you first saw me,” he breathed out, slowly, and there was that little sparkle again, shining in eyes burning dark, with desire and greed, burning bright, with love and affection, and he wanted to drown, wanted to drown in their sigh and all the endearment they held, eyes that were already thinking of how to reward his words, and the reward he received, starting with a kiss so sweet, so slow, so sensual, a kiss that would slowly lead to more, it was the only reward he could ever ask for.

His favorite place, just a few steps away from the door to his room, sitting on the edge of wooden boards, right above that little creek, it was odd, how much he favored this spot already, to be able to look into the gardens, observe nature, the nature that now was his, this garden that was his, because whatever belonged to Yanjun, whatever belonged to the king, one way or another, somehow, it would all be his, it all was his, was his like he was the prince’s, belonged to his husband, owned the man in return, making him smile just at the thought.  
Thinking back, about earlier days, days when they had still evolved, when they hadn’t been close, days in which he had thought of being a bird, trapped, caged, with doors open but never escaping, never flying away, because a caged bird knew only that, knew only his cage, was afraid of the outside world, and he had been just that, he had been afraid, knowingly or not, but he had been just that, with permission to leave, so many ways to escape this house, escape this place, but he had never wanted to, didn’t want to meet new people, other birds, didn’t want to see, the world, other cages, because he had felt content, had just craved his owner’s touch, voice, attention, had only wanted to feel loved.  
But now he did feel just that, he felt loved, the proof so evident, visible, obvious with the golden band on his finger, memory of words spoken, promises given, promises that warmed his heart, promises that resounded in his ears, in his mind, made him smile as he looked at the ruby, the color of blood, of love, of passion, of wrath, of fire burning bright because his heart was blazing, flaring up, thinking of Yanjun alone.  
That smile of his, shown on his face, tugging up his lips, it must have been quite evident, because from the corner of his eyes, he could see how even his sister, sitting so close, with her back against a pillar, grinned behind her hand, as if she didn’t want to let it show, his sister, he had offered to help her case, to have her back with the family officially, just how he now was, to no longer be discarded by her, their, father, just because she wasn’t to be married, but she had denied him, had said it was more fun like this, guarding him, spending time with her brother, teaching him new things, acrobatics and riding and threatening to make him go through the hell of running, just in case someone were to come for him, to hunt him, just so he would be able to escape, but he knew better, knew her intentions, that it was but sisterly love, the desire to catch up on all these years they had spent apart, because guarding him, being around every day, it was reassuring for them both.  
Not that he minded, he would have missed her too much, once she was gone, because she was a part of his life too important, meant too much to him, more than he would have ever thought, to grow up apart, it had been reassuring, to know it wasn’t enough, to make it impossible for them to get close, forge their bond, and one day, he promised that to himself, he would thank Yanjun for all that, for allowing him to feel loved, appreciated, treasured, by that man himself, but also to find new people in his life, people who loved him, people he loved.  
One way or another, every person he knew, every person that meant something to him, it was only thanks to the prince, to get to know Xukun, to get to know Jinna, it was only thanks to the man he loved, to get a younger brother, an older sister, not related to him by blood as was Cheng Xiao, because she was still unique, special, had a certain spot to herself in his heart, but tied close by a bond forged, people he didn’t want to miss in his life, people he wanted to see every day, see them smile, hear them laugh, feel their warmth, each in their own way, they meant too much to him, meant so much to him, they made his life worth living and more treasured than gold to a dragon.  
And maybe, just maybe, he thought of that nightingale as lucky charm, a bird he had inked into his skin for naive reasons, yearning for love, for freedom, to spread his wings and fly away, he had received all that, he had received love, between family and friends, had received a love consuming him entirely, like fire swallowing houses and fields, like the sun brightening the day, a love that was all that and so much more, a love that could only be his, had received freedom, because that cage was still open wide, the door never closed, was removed, so he could never be trapped again, but he wondered, wondered just for himself, just in his mind, whether he had needed to cage himself to be set free.  
The more he had refused to be free, had searched for comfort in warm arms, had found solace in an embrace, the more he wanted just that, craved it, the more he had felt relieved of all shackles, had felt feathers grow, because love, in its own weird and twisted way, it set one free, and only by knowing he was safe, was kept well within that hug, pressed tight against a stronger body, pulled closer, he was able to take steps, closer and closer to that door, stepping out, flying free, because what tied him down had set him free.  
It made sense, in its own ways, in twisted and crazy and nebulous ways, he was sure it made sense, that he was like a ship, could only set sail with a haven to return, that he was like a baby bird, could only learn to fly because he had a nest awaiting him, and he was sure, eventually, he could become this nightingale, could be a person that stood for love, because some way he already was, with a story to unusual to tell, a story of going from a position so low to a standing so well, going from a person discarded by blood to a person taken in by love, and he wondered, thought to himself, whether one day it would be a story to tell, a fairy tale, so others could dream, could dream in ways he had never dared to, because he had been deprived of all hope, had been afraid to imagine, to think, because whatever he’d paint in his mind would only be washed away by reality.  
But dreaming, in the end, maybe he should have done it before, so he wouldn’t be afraid, would have been more daring, forward, should have tried to be like that nightingale he loved so much, singing songs of love, flapping wings in freedom, but maybe, just maybe, it was right the way it had been, played out, because he had experienced firsts with the man he loved, had learned to open up with those who loved him, but in the end, all these maybes and what ifs, they weren’t needed if just he was happy, if just he could smile, and he did smile, brighter, when he felt the scent of water lilies wrap around him, engulf him, when he felt lips pressed against his neck, when he heard sweet nothings whispered into his ear.  
“My pearl-”

“I love you, Yanjun, forever and ever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You expected me to give you a quality end? you thought, because I can't write ends
> 
> get to know about future works on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zzt_dadting) and send me your thoughts on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dadting)


	12. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the future holds

“Minghao!” He yelled loudly, yelled at his son, and he still couldn’t believe it, even after years of having taken him in, a stray kid, with eyes so bright, mischievous, he hadn’t been able to turn him down, this kid he had seen thrown out by his own family, right in front of his eyes, kicked out like he had once been, discarded by his adoptive father, merely because they didn’t share blood, and this kid, as he had gotten to know, he had been just the same, discarded by his family, kicked out, because he wasn’t entirely the same blood, hadn’t been accepted, and he hadn’t hesitated, hadn’t bothered to ask, had just grabbed that small hand and helped him up on the horse, and Cheng Xiao, she had silently watched, she had already known, and she had rolled her eyes.  
His sister, she had accepted it immediately, but his husband, Yanjun, what a hassle it had been, all about pouting and making puppy eyes and acting cute, just so he would agree, would agree to adopting this child, with conditions, because they had to be met, because they both knew, that only the children he had with Jinna would be the ones allowed to take the throne, and he hadn’t cared, hadn’t been bothered, had only been unable to leave this kid alone, and he was sure he wouldn’t have won, because the royal was stubborn, stern, and worried, Zhengting had known, that it was worry, concern, because the burden of royalty was high, was worse than aristocracy, but who could resist, who could deny, the sparkling orbs of the person they loved, more so when there was a traitor, when Jinna supported his plea, because the two of them, the two men, they were married too, deserved to call someone their son, their child, and slowly, surely, his resolve had been broken and torn down.  
Once again, with more of a threatening tone, he called for his son, running around, chasing Xukun’s cat, a battle of agility and speed, this darn little cat, he had bought it himself, had gifted it to the prince, had told him to wait, to be patient, because one day, for sure, he’d find someone to love more, someone to replace himself in that gentle heart, and he thought it had helped, because the younger had grown attached to that kitten, had raised it well, always took it along on his visits, as if it supported him well, kept him steady, but the way Ziyi had rolled his eyes, whenever the prince seemed overly affectionate with the pet, it hold him that it might be a bit too much, a distraction that was an escape, trying to get away from reality, away from the sadness of a rejected love.  
Ziyi, he thought, had hit it rather bad, to still need to look after that kid, two kids, because as he had heard, Nongnong and the prince were quite the handful, playing and joking and laughing and fooling around, and he appreciated them all, loved them like his brothers, with a family that slowly grew, because relationships got better, between Xukun and Yanjun, between Xukun and Jinna, and he could only feel glad, felt relief, because his family had grown, further and further, into two younger brothers, an older sister, his son, and he couldn’t be any happier, couldn’t ask for anything more.  
“Don’t scold him too much,” a voice whispered lowly, making him squeal, with warm air hitting his ear, always his ear, he wanted to whine about that, hit a certain someone in return, but he only found himself going weak, melting into an embrace so warm, holding him tight, making him feel at ease, at home, his home, “Kunkun needs to decide when his cat has had too much. So let him play around a bit, my pearl.”  
And the owner, the one who had received that cat from him, he only huffed, as if he was bothered by that display of love, rolling his eyes, and it was Jinna to react, to cover is big eyes, as if he was a child, not deserving to see all that, smiling, because sometimes she truly felt like a sister rather than Yanjun’s wife, caring for him, looking out for them, making fun of them and their so called cheesy ways, but there was a sparkle in her eyes, warmth, because it was love, and sometimes Zhengting had to wonder whether it wasn’t difficult, spending one night a month together, when they didn’t feel attraction, didn’t love like this, but it was the burden of the crown, and as long as his love came back, dealt with his whiny ways, his pout, because he had missed the attention, had missed sharing a bed, because he was as childish as this, he wouldn’t be able to mind, to protest, more so than just in his baby-like and teasing ways.  
“You’re disgusting,” was followed by a sound to express just that, several sets of eyes darting towards the origin of such words, faced with Minghao’s young face, distorted into a grimace, and it was just seconds before Zhengting was running after the kid, yelling about how to behave, with the brightest of smiles on his lips, because this was their little and messy family, a family filled with laughter and joy and bliss, a family that would always grow with time, because he wondered, because he knew, the more people he loved the freest he would feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, I added a last one!  
> Just a little bonus, because I wanted to show what their life would be like a few years later, I guess?
> 
> And I wanted to say that I appreciate all of you who stuck around with me, who read this and came to enjoy my characters because I loved them a lot and I loved writing this and I'm sure this'll be the work most important to me for a long, long time.  
> I really want to thank you all, those who read it, those who commented, those who left kudos, or showed their appreciation otherwise, thanks for reading, thanks for staying updated, thanks for loving it because I hope you did, I hope you enjoyed it well and loved to read!  
> Actually, I don't know how to express myself well, I just want to show my gratitude but I'm bad at it, I hope you all just know how grateful I am for all the attention and love I received.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank Roch/@zhengkunelitist for making me do this  
> Usual note, tell me what you thought on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zhengjunist)


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